Hello, Friends, On Saturday morning, I shared an update regarding the devastating impact of Hurricane Helene on our community here in western North Carolina. I’ve received an overwhelming outpouring of kindness, support, and well-wishes… in the best possible way. Thank you. In the two days since that update, I’ve had more time to survey the … Continue reading Helene Aftermath: Long Update, Monday September, 30 2024 →

I am so grateful to be sober. I’m grateful for lots of great meetings this weekend, for celebrating my friends, for honest conversations, for reflection and not being alone. I’m grateful to be an alcoholic, I’m grateful I get to help people, I’m grateful that every day is a new day where I can start over. I’m grateful for my family, my puppy, a short week this week, for coffee and music and rest.

Gooood morning my friends (:

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend! I have off from work this coming Friday and really should’ve taken today because your girl is TIRED. I’d love nothing more than a full day of nothing and/or a full day of cup filling activities. Send me to Friday please.

Also, before I launch into today’s rant, I think it’s the perfect time for my obligatory you don’t have to drink speech. Some of you know that fall time is always a weird one for me. Everyone’s drinking beer on the street, there’s a gazillion pop ups and October fest (that’s supposed to be spelled with a K, I think? Am I even an alcoholic?!?), Halloween, that weird day before Thanksgiving, Santa Con, Christmas, New Years Eve. It all can be a super uncomfortable time and while I will say this many times throughout the upcoming holiday season – they are all just days. Just another 24 hours that we CAN, and we WILL get through because there is nothing so bad that a drink won’t make worse. If anyone ever needs help or just wants to chat, I am always always open.

Now onto the rant – I heard a wonderful speaker Saturday morning who said 3 three things that I actually wrote down for the first time in a really long time.

People wear their spirits on their face. I love this and I think it’s so true. But it got me thinking, what does the spirit on my face look like right now? And if looks like what I think it does I need to crack down. I undoubtedly need to crack down. 

Switching spiritual levels making it hard to connect. Now he said this in the context of other people who are drinking or using and when they are drinking or using their spiritual levels are so up and down. And again, it got me thinking about the speed in which I, a sober person, have been switching spiritual levels lately.

Really understanding who I am so I can be of service to other people. And finally, the one that hit the hardest. This year has been hard, this year has not been my best sober year, life has gotten big, and I’ve let myself get so wrapped up in things that aren’t my program, specially myself and my self-will. But what’s been in my face the most this year – I don’t accept myself. Just about the only thing that I do accept is my alcoholism. How can I be to service to anyone else if I can’t honestly say that I love and accept myself?

One of those meetings that really hit me in the face you know. And that’s okay it’s just another reminder that I need a reset. Not just ‘you can start your day over at ANY point of the day’ reset. A true, take care of myself so I can take care of others, 90 in 90, 4th and 5th step, let go and let God reset.

Any maybe some of you feel that way too so I hope that we can do it together. Because as someone who used to always say we never have to do anything alone – I seem to somehow have forgotten that.

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Xx

Jane

I’m grateful for a rainy morning at the farmers market. I’m grateful for a day being mostly myself. I’m grateful for a quiet Sunday morning. I’m grateful for catching up on sleep and waiting to see what comes next. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

Good Morning, Friends, As some of you may know, my area of western North Carolina (Swannanoa) was hit hard by record-setting flooding and high winds from the remnants of Hurricane Helene. We live in a rural, somewhat remote part of Buncombe County, and while we were prepared for power outages, downed trees, and general disruptions, … Continue reading Aftermath… →

I’m grateful it’s Fall. I’m grateful for the streaks of blue in the gray rainy sky. I’m grateful for the things and people who got me here. I’m grateful for everything that’s new. I’m grateful to have found myself. I’m grateful to be sober today.

song of the week:

I have loved this song for quite a long time. Way back in the late 90’s, early 2000’s, I was working for an insane internet company and pretty much everything in my life was thinly-disguised chaos. I was at the height of my alcoholism and was living a double or triple life. It was impossible to keep up with all the lies and they eventually overtook me.

My few lucid moments every day were in the car every morning, driving to the office. I was alone and alert and mostly sober at that hour (I was not at the pancakes and sauvignon blanc phase, yet). Did I reflect on the error of my ways, look into my heart and see what was missing, what was gone? No, I cranked songs like this one to earsplitting levels and sang along:

In case I’m not being clear, I didn’t just sing this song, I belted this one out.1 Is it weird to say I believed in this song? I believed in this song. If you’d like to see the visual representation, this is maybe the coolest sequence (I think) in any sports movie I’ve seen:

Why am I so drawn to this song? You know my tired theory by now, I get super attached to songs that end up telling a part of my life, capturing some of what I was, or who I was, at particular moments. For me, the songs I like and listen to over and over, tell some part of my story—sometimes in advance.

Most of my music consumption occurs within my library of Spotify playlists—so aside from the usually pretty lame Spotify recommendations, my exposure to new music is a bit haphazard. When I hear a song I like, I usually know right away.2 I’m not always sure about why I like the song, what it is that compels me to listen to it over and over. A lot of times the sudden emotional attachment to the song doesn’t make sense. For example, beginning sometime in the sixth or Seventh Grade I used to listen to this song all the time (on the record player), later I would quietly sing it to myself on my long, solitary nocturnal walks around Iowa City. It didn’t make sense for 15 year-old TBD, but it does now:

Also, Burt Bacharach is not a very good singer and neither was I, so I could definitely pull it off.

I think part of my problem, one of the factors that contributed to my very long struggle with alcohol, was the too-early development of a “F*** me? No, F*** you” attitude. At some point, I determined that there wasn’t that much that really mattered. I’m not sure how I got to that point, I read a lot of existentialist stuff in junior high and high school and maybe some of it took root. Part of it was the message of Scandinavian Lutheranism, “you shouldn’t expect that much and then you’re going to die.”

That’s how I began to approach life. As a young lawyer, I’d take any assignment, worked preposterous hours and was always ready for more. At some point, I began to see my value in terms of how much I could take, how big a burden could I carry. Then I went to the insane internet company and did the same thing x2 or x8. I was like Dennis Quaid in that fabulous sequence from “Any Given Sunday,” although I wore “13.” And like Dennis Quaid in that movie, my devotion to this religion of nothingness cost a great deal. But like Dennis Quaid in that movie, I got paid quite a bit and that somehow seemed to answer the question of why I was doing this.

For me, a big part of the journey has been coming to understand the emptiness of my life before. All of the glitz and glamour end up meaning very little. I keep coming back to “Signed, Sealed, Delivered:

The things I remember, the things I cherish, are not the amazing dinners at places where no one can get reservations or selfies at Instagram travel destinations, they were playing basketball with my son on the Fisher Price hoop in the basement, helping my daughter with homework and while getting yelled at.

I realize now that the moments that matter are when we, and the others in our lives, see and value us for who we really are, at that moment.

As a young lawyer, I used to frequent a very swanky bar in the lobby of our very swanky building. The impeccably tuxedoed maitre’d used to greet me with open arms and an exuberant, Iranian-accented, “Counselor, it is so good to see you again.” While this felt great in the moment, well, let’s just say it doesn’t have much staying power. What does have staying power is when I have the courage to simply be me, let go of the pretensions and aspirations, and then see what happens next.

The Big Book suggests that one of the nasty culprits is the alcoholic ego; the delusion that we are the directors of a great show that will come off to great acclaim if only all the morons and idiots will do as they have been instructed. What I have come to realize is that the life I was meant to lead could not even start until I gave up this very wrong perspective on my role in the world.

It was not until I let go of all of my efforts to determine the life I was going to lead, and also set the roles of my co-stars, that I began to see how I really fit into this whole thing. Until I gave up my made-up construct for the life I thought I was supposed to be living, I couldn’t begin to live the life that was actually meant for me. Until I let go of everything not meant for me, what was meant for me couldn’t find me.

My life is simple and quiet. I work a lot and I love going to the office. I cook and go to the movies and read; I skulk around bookstores and used record stores. I love wandering around the Met or Central Park. I’m there when my kids call. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much, but when I sip my very strong coffee in the inky darkness that engulfs the pirate balcony in the early mornings, all I can think of is how satisfied and content I am. There’s not much I would trade about my life right now, and trust me, this all didn’t happen on account of my planning and wisdom.

It took a pretty rough bounce, or seventeen, off the bottom, to dislodge the notion that I was capable of managing my own life in a way that would bring happiness and peace to myself and the people I loved. That this is exactly what is transpiring now is not because my plan has finally come to fruition, it’s because I finally accepted what is, learned what I can change, and came to see the rest as a gift meant to guide me from point to point in my very interesting life.

Emptying myself was what it took to empty the seeming inexhaustible sea of flinty Sauvignon Blanc. Seeing and feeling the emptiness of my life, as I was leading and directing it, was what let me let go of the false gods I’d been worshipping. I probably haven’t been to the newest, trendiest restaurant downtown, I’m probably not getting my tux out of the closet for a gala any time soon. Perhaps you would look at my life and think it seemed a little too quiet, maybe it would even seem empty. There was a time I thought that way, too, and it drove me to a lot of desperate, unhappy, self-destructive places.

Here’s the secret I know (but maybe am not supposed to), the Universe is busy filling that cup. What is meant for me is about to happen, that’s the belief that fills my heart and sits with me on the subway on the way home from work. It’s that belief that helped me recover from nearly 40 years of alcoholic drinking. It’s that belief that keeps me sober—and happy.

What is meant for me is about to happen. Probably for you, too.

Happy Friday

As always there are lots of links within the article. Click one! Click them all! Learn all the things! by Vince (VE6LK) In August and September 2024, I was travelling around Southern Ontario for some family matters and naturally I brought my radio kit with me to squeeze in some radio therapy stops along the … Continue reading Big ships and 78GHz by chance! →

by Matt (W6CSN) The Mountaintopper MTR-3B is a popular QRP portable HF transceiver that has a bit of “cult-ish” mystique about it. The radio seems to hit the sweet spot of size, weight, performance and capability desired by so many portable operators. While I have operated the MTR-4B, and quite like it, I have yet … Continue reading New Mountain Topper MTR-3B Details →

On Monday, September 2, 2024, my good friend Vlado (N3CZ) and I spent Labor Day morning playing POTA. Our first activation was at Lake James State Park, using the new CFT1 QRP transceiver. It was a lot of fun–you can read the field report and watch the video by clicking here. For the second activation, … Continue reading QRP POTA: Pairing N3CZ’s Homebrew Transceiver with the TennTennas 49:1 EFHW! →

I’m grateful for a beautifully crisp and sunny morning run in the park. I’m grateful for seeing the first dusting of snow on Mt. Blue Sky. I’m grateful for keeping an optimistic mindset during a period of experimentation. I’m grateful for being more comfortable in silence. I’m grateful for noticing the conversational tone I have with myself be more gentle and constructive. I’m grateful for my dog’s bouncy gait, especially when he’s excited. I’m grateful for shares about maintaining emotional sobriety during the good times and the bad. I’m grateful for the courage and resilience of day counters. I’m grateful for the laughter and reflection during one of my favorite comedian’s new special. I’m grateful for learning to take things in stride more easily these days.

At a meeting this week an older gentleman in a cowboy hat and boots gave a heartfelt share about the status of his spiritual condition that has stuck with me. He spoke about how his integrity was recently put into question and that deeply irritated him. After working through his “justified” anger and wounded pride, he engaged in some deep soul searching. Why was he so distraught? He concluded his spiritual condition wasn’t strong enough.

Initially he felt after decades of sobriety that integrity was something he had in spades. He had mastered control over it through practice and it gave him great pride believing this. However at some point such thinking slowly lead him astray. He started interacting with his integrity in inauthentic ways. The pressures of holding onto it as his spiritual fitness flailed made him cut corners in efforts to maintain the veneer of its existence. When he was eventually confronted about it, his bubble burst.

After considerable reflection he realized how messy his relationship with integrity had become. It was never a trait for him to wear with unbridled gusto. That merely surfaced a bunch of other defects. Integrity was something that, in its purest form, belonged solely to his Higher Power. He was ultimately just a vessel for it. As with all his attributes, they were not for him to own, control, or project. He was a channel through which these qualities flowed. His primary goal was to move out of the way and keep the lines of communication open and regular with his HP.

I’m still working to deconstruct this fellow’s very pithy message, but one point that clearly jumped out to me is the necessity to keep my spiritual condition in tip top shape. Sure it can be a tedious process, but that’s the job of an emotionally sober alcoholic. Nothing happens automatically, I have to do the work. I have to do it when it’s rainy, I have to do it when it’s sunny. Just like I run daily to avoid physical attrition, I have to engage in sober routines daily to avoid spiritual attrition. And I of course need to be open to learning how sober routines can be expanded or redefined as life progresses. Maintaining sincere energy around my spiritual growth will be a lifelong journey and, at least for today, I feel ready.

The other point he made around being his Higher Power’s vessel really got the gears in my head turning. Alcohol made me spend way too much time on self. I blocked out everything in favor of listening solely to the delusional voices in my head. Being in AA has gifted me the ability to now take inputs from a plethora of constructive places – meetings, the Big Book, close fellows, spiritual activities, etc. – and siphon the wisdom gained from them to perform the next right action. I have to avoid taking sole credit for those actions because when I do I’m in danger of letting self creep back into the mix. Instead a beautiful consortium of things influence my life, which taken collectively is how I define my Higher Power working through me. As a result I count myself as a very grateful and a very blessed vessel.

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Many thanks to Jeff (VE7EFF) who shares the following guest post: 2.5 km Trek into Wrinkly Face Provincial Park, BC, CA-4307 by Jeff (VE7EFF) My goal this summer is to do more backpacked-in POTA activations. This is my 3rd POTA outing over the past week.  Being in Canada, I don’t have much time left this season to … Continue reading Trekking into POTA Heaven: Wrinkly Face Provincial Park Activation →