I am so grateful to be sober. I’m grateful for my family, for Tim, for my friends, for my sponsor and for AA. I’m grateful for service commitments, for an early morning, for rest and new books. I’m grateful for a little me time yesterday, for prayer and for a fresh week.  

Gooood morning my friends (: As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend!

I am here bright any early with a pup curled up next to me (not so much as curled more like angry my laptop is on my lap, and he is now so he is resting directly on my arm so it’s impossible to type). Anyway, he is OUR new dog, and he is the sweetest boy. He’s a crazy pup who is currently eating off the tail of his favorite crocodile toy but you know..puppies.

I couldn’t be anymore grateful for this sweet, wild, precious animal we brough home. And who doesn’t want to hear about puppies first thing in the morning??

But what I really would like to share today is my HORRIBLE Friday the 13th experience. The day started out fine – do I was Friday the 13th? Do I not? Do I make jokes about it all day – yes. We hadn’t brough home Ori (the pup) yet so he was all I could think about and truly Friday the 13th was just another day.

And then…there was a bee. A bee that landed on our net thing that lets us keep the balcony doors open and the bugs out. And the bee was almost stuck on the net. I was worried it was going to get inside so I flicked it, and it landed on the balcony door that was only partially cracked so I went outside through the other door to push the bee door open a little more.

I’m very afraid of bees so I was only focused on the small, winged stinging animal UNTIL I turn around and THERE WAS A DEAD BIRD (not a pigeon bird guys like a beautiful Golden Finch) DEAD ON MY PATIO FURNITURE. Automatically it was an omen.

So, I’m LOSING my shit and I call Tim to tell him he needs to dispose of this dead bird when he comes home or else I myself am going to dive off the balcony. Not 5 minutes after discovering the dead body I get a phone call from a ‘No Caller ID’ phone number.

The universe was really coming for me. That was it – if I answered that phone call for sure it would just be heavy breathing on the other line and then we pan to my personal episode of dateline.  

In reality it was the school I registered to take a class at calling to tell me that the class I signed up for was canceled due to low enrollment.

Now I am almost three years sober and I still had to call my sponsor to have her remind me that HP has absolutely NO PART in the dead bird. HP doesn’t deal in that witchy stuff. Now maybe they did have a hand in the class things – maybe I need to think bigger more out of the box.

I’m definitely bummed that class gave me a ton of hope – but I can always register for a new one.

So, the universe and HP were in fact not out to get me. I told me therapist the other day that my spirituality boils down to believing even when I don’t have faith sometimes.

I believe that there is a reason for the canceled class – I’m working on the faith that something better will be on its way.

In the meantime, we have a happy pup and no more dead birds so that sounds pretty okay to me.

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Xx

Jane

Our friend Alan (W2AEW) has just posted a video showing the process of building, adjusting, and aligning the CFT1 5-band CW portable transceiver. If you’ve been thinking about building a CFT1 kit, this video will help guide you: Click here to view on YouTube. Thank you for making this tutorial, Alan!

I’m grateful for a sunny morning. I’m grateful to watch the storm that’s coming. I’m grateful for adventure and the way the world keeps turning. I’m grateful for all the surprises. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

Many thanks to Rod (VA3MZD) for sharing the following guest post: Operating POTA from the interior of Quetico Provincial Park CA-0359 with a (tr)uSDX By Rod Murray (VA3MZD) In a previous guest post here on QRPer I gave a brief history of my introduction to Ham radio and specifically POTA and my experiences activating local … Continue reading Navigating Quetico: Rod’s POTA Adventure with the (tr)uSDX →

As always there are lots of links within the article. Click one! Click them all! Learn all the things! by Vince (VE6LK) In August and September 2024 I was travelling around Southern Ontario for some family matters and, naturally, I brought my radio kit with me to squeeze in some radio therapy stops along the … Continue reading Castles and Trains at Dundurn Castle NHS →

I’m grateful for the joy in my heart. I’m grateful for a Friday morning. I’m grateful the excitement I feel when I get up. I’m grateful for chances to live a new way. I’m grateful for seeing it was up to me to write the story. I’m grateful to be sober today.

song of the week:

I am so ahead of the curve this week. I’ve known the sotw for many hours, maybe even since yesterday. I had handy little notes on my phone (these are typically aha! type revelations that are completely unintelligible when read later). I was perilously close to having an outline. That’s how far gone things are.

My love for Stevie Wonder has been very much over-chronicled here. But apparently, not enough to stop me today. Today, being Friday the 13th, and me being very, very superstitious and loving the number “13,” it’s adorned jerseys, return addresses and it’s always my go-to if someone asks me to pick a number. You may think Friday the 13th is spooky and scary; it’s the opposite over here. There is a literal boatload of bad-ass, pirate, Friday the 13th energy over here.

Speaking of boatloads of bad-ass pirate energy, I’m getting to spend time with my son during this run-up to his deployment. Of course, it’s bittersweet and of course, I’m emotional and more than a little scared. But it’s building a bond between us that hasn’t been there for a long time. This is what I mean by how tricky the Universe is, using something that seems kind of bad and sad to build something beautiful.

I was lucky enough to have dinner with the Lieutenant and his lovely girlfriend earlier this week. After dinner, we needed to transfer my delayed Father’s Day gift from her apartment to mine. The gift? A very cool, actual shell casing fired from the 5-inch gun on his ship. What does this look like?

The shell-casing is heavy and kind of awkward to carry (it’s about three feet high). We determined we would visit Ralph’s on 1st Avenue for ice cream on the way to my apartment. As we ate our identical “small swirls in a cone” we talked about the amazing journey he’s been on since joining the Navy. I pointed out how much he had changed, how he had grown. Then I told him all the embarrassing stuff I’ve been writing about him, about how proud I was of him.

We were taking turns carrying the shell casing down First Avenue and eating fast-melting, soft-serve ice cream at the same time. We got a lot of looks as we were walking. This could be because of the shell-casing or my son’s Hollywood looks. He was asking about my gig, how much fun I’m having, how hard I’m working. He laughs when I talk about picking up my Door Dash dinner from the delivery racks in the lobby, along with all of the fleece-vest wearing, young bankers.1 He gets a real kick out of me living the law firm life again (as do I). That’s when I shared this observation with him:

We get to write our own narratives in life. We get to write our own story and it is never too late to pull out another sheet of paper and start a new chapter.

I realized I’d lived a life where I had seen a lot of things in this old world, fancy swanky things. But when I touched them, girl, they meant nothing. I realized I let other people write the story of me, or I collaborated and tried to write a story I thought they would love. That never worked. It took me sixty years to figure this out, but realizing that I get to write the story of me this time is profoundly exciting and liberating and just so incredibly cool.

Anyway (getting back to the sotw), it took me a while to really like this song and it doesn’t have a backstory (yet), like some other songs might have.

“Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” typically interpreted, is about someone who maybe made a mistake (or several) and disappeared for a while and then maybe realizes the error of their ways and hopes that there is maybe a way back. FYI, this is also the plotline for The Partridge Family’s incomparable “Echo Valley 2-6809”

You can ask, as I am now, why wasn’t this the song of the week? Too dark, that’s why. Although, if I was going to be doing karaoke in the next 48 hours, this would definitely be the song. Anyway, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” is a much more upbeat song, and I personally prefer the “C’mon Baby” attitude expressed therein.

Anyway, despite “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” being about feelings for another person, and a desire to get back together with that old flame, well, that’s not what comes up for me when I listen to this song now. By “listen to this song,” I mean putting on my airpods, heading out for one of my walks (and I could literally be anywhere in the city) and then having this song on repeat while I weave my way through the clueless and careless pedestrian sheep that clog our beautiful sidewalks.

This song is about something else for me these days:

I’ve done a lot of foolish things, that I didn’t really mean.

Ha Ha Ha Ha. That is the story of my life. I love all of the classic Stevie Wonder screams in this song, they add a layer of exuberance, like the one that comes after the “done a lot of foolish things” line, and then he adds “didn’t I,” to drive the point home.

There were an awful lot of mornings where I literally couldn’t stand to look in the mirror. There was no exuberance in the early mornings back then, I had a mandatory date with a barstool at 8am and I’d try to look down while I brushed my teeth and did what amounted to “pulling myself together.” When I did catch a glimpse? Haggard, pale, red-rimmed eyes, a puffy face—I really didn’t like what I saw, what I had become.

That’s what’s different, when Stevie screams,

That’s me talking to myself these days. And you know what else? Where I was, where I had to go, has about zero to do with where I’m headed.

I’ve done a lot of foolish things, that I really didn’t mean, I could be a broken man, but here I am.

Happy Friday.

by Teri (KO4WFP) After an interesting and successful activation at Fort McAllister, I turned my sights southward and further back in time to Fort Morris Historic Site (US-3717). Fort Morris Historic Site contains earthen fortifications that date back to the Revolutionary War. The site is simpler than that of Fort McAllister. Fort Morris was built … Continue reading The POTA Babe Learns Some Lessons →

Yesterday morning, around 12:00, I picked up a DHL parcel containing the Venus SW-6B. I was so eager to test it in the field that I dropped my lunch plans, took the SW-6B home, opened the box, and quickly attached Anderson Powerpole connectors to the supplied power cable. I didn’t have time to do anything … Continue reading The New Venus SW-6B QRP Transceiver: First POTA Activation and Field Test! →

As always there are lots of links within the article. Click one! Click them all! Learn all the things! ? by Vince (VE6LK) In August and September 2024 I was travelling around Southern Ontario for some family matters and naturally I brought my radio kit with me to squeeze in some radio therapy stops along … Continue reading CW Three Band Activation Among the Giant Timbers →

I’m grateful for my dog’s daycare giving me time to focus and have some space to complete some important tasks. I’m grateful for attending a NYC meeting I haven’t been to since I moved and seeing the same fellows showing up and remaining sober. I’m grateful for the reminder that grappling with my darkness has allowed me to go into the dark with others. I’m grateful for an event that I was nervous about going as well as it could have. I’m grateful for being financially solvent enough to afford yesterday’s grocery haul. I’m grateful for the fresh feeling a new haircut provides. I’m grateful to be sitting in my papasan with my dog curled up in a ball next to me writing this and feeling content about where my life has settled.

It has been a while, but I got the chance to attend T.B.D.’s weekly Zoom AA meeting, Anyone Anywhere (Tuesdays at 7pm ET, Meeting Link: https://meet.google.com/dpt-zrog-btv). If you haven’t had the opportunity to join it is a wonderful little sober group where we authentically share our thoughts on what we have read in the Big Book that week.

For the past many months we have been going through the diverse array of personal stories in the back. Without fail each one has touched me in some meaningful way. Even if the writer’s circumstances are vastly different from mine, there is always the emotions around alcoholism that ring true 110%. I know that pain, I know that desperation, I know that hope, and I know that serenity. One day I’d like to engage in the personal exercise of ranking the stories for myself. It’ll be interesting to see how they evolve over time depending upon where I am in life and in sobriety.

The “solution” part of these stories is what I look forward to the most nowadays. While the drunkalogues are certainly spicy, I feel so inspired when I hear these strangers I’ve never met (and likely will never meet since many have passed) convey to me in such simple, impactful, and honest language their truth. I often get misty-eyed at how on earth we alcoholics are able to transform so completely after putting ourselves through so much trauma. The strength of the human condition exemplified in the words of these fellows is mesmerizing. It’s such proof positive for me that if I remain disciplined and teachable my life will change. Things will always get complicated because that is the reality of existence, however I will find paths to elegantly traverse through those complications with balance. I can borrow the courage, I can borrow the wisdom of these writers, who have thoughtfully gifted me with their vulnerability, and apply it to my own life.

The story we read at Anyone Anywhere last night was titled “On The Move”. Towards the end on page 493 the author describes how he and his father feel about their lives after years of tumult:

“I think we are both at peace with our pasts and comfortable with the present”

This sorta sounds like Promise #3 (“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”), which is one of my favorite Promises. What I appreciate about the above quote is the usage of “peace” and “comfortable”.

I still occasionally revisit drunken escapades, even ones over a decade old, with a tinge of sadness and regret. Time and reflection in the Program have finally brought me to a place where I am at peace with what happened. I realize in order to change my mind on matters I needed to go through that mayhem to get to my current state. It’s just how my brain works – I cannot automagically reform overnight those neural pathways that were calcified by alcohol. Most importantly though, now that I have gained relative stability in life, I can use my story on the regular to identify with other alcoholics, especially newer ones. I can lead with empathy and love rather than judgement or derision for people inside and outside these rooms. I have finally found a purpose for my pain. That evolution is what “peace” with my past means to me in AA.

With his usage of the word “comfortable” I identify with a lot because for many decades I was incredibly uncomfortable with every aspect of me. I was so ashamed about basic facts about my identity that I distorted my story to others for many years, even before I had that first drink, because I thought that revised version would make them like me more and therefore make me feel less ashamed about myself. While I am still very much a work in progress on this front, I can say that today I am more at ease with my identify than ever before. Because I have spent the time on honest self-reflection and regular course correction, I can be comfortable with my daily existence and not constantly fight or be fearful of everyone and everything.

I underscored the above sentence from yesterday’s story because I am amazed at how freely I can get thoughtful solutions from AA and all I have to do is show up and listen. The Big Book’s stories are such amazing examples of humanity’s resilience and optimism. They showcase the best in us when we are able to set aside that drink and open the door to change. I am glad to have taken the time to continue reading beyond the first 164 pages. I’m also excited to finish all the stories one day – and then get to do it all over again with another alcoholic.

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