I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for time with friends this weekend, for the holidays around the corner, for reading more again and for talking to my sponsor. I’m grateful for rest, for the nice weather, for learning, for honesty and for growth.  

Goooood morning my friends (:

As always, I hope everyone had a nice weekend! My head is all over the place this morning (one of the downfalls of NOT journaling might I add). But before I get into my typical word vomit tis the season for my holiday reminders – PSA the holiday season is upon us.

And whether you have already decorated or are a firm ‘do no decorate before Thanksgiving’ person – the holidays can be tricky. But above all else they are just another day, and we can all get through them without drinking.

This year is a particularly charged time to maybe be with family. Sometimes being with family is charged in general. Go prepared with people to text or call, find local meetings, maybe don’t go if that’s what’s ultimately best for you. But don’t drink, you don’t have to I promise.

Now onto the word vomit – I am. So. Burned. Out. I heard a speaker yesterday who was talking about relapse and basically, she was saying that she’s not going to beat herself up with ‘I was doing all the wrong things or things I wasn’t supposed to’ she just didn’t know then what she knows now.

And I truly believe that applies to all of life. This year has been one big giant fucking growing pain and I very much so ready to come out on the other side here. But this whole year has also been about learning what I don’t know.

I didn’t know how it feels to be on the other side of losing a sponsee. I didn’t know what it was like to have sponsee’s ghost you and reach out MONTHS later to tell you that they are finally doing really well. I didn’t know what it was like to end a friendship that didn’t fit anymore, to respect my boundaries and to come out not only not alone but ALSO with a new appreciation for the friendships that don’t ask me to be anything other than me.

I didn’t know what it was like to 1) not have a psychotic boss and 2) receive a relatively negative performance review because I could genuinely do better and then putting everything, I had into doing better all to receive a really great review but feel so shot that cleaning my apartment is a task I simply cannot handle right now. I still DON’T know how to speak up when I’m feeling that way in a place that’s not AA and ask for help and a break.

I didn’t know what it was like to be a dog mom and how much of a change owning a pet really is (shout out to the moms and dads with human children – don’t know how y’all do it).

I didn’t know what it was like to no longer live two blocks away from your home group. There’s a lot of things I didn’t know that I have learned, and I am still learning how to navigate.

My apartment is so gross and needs to be cleaned so bad, but I am so tired and that’s just going to have to be okay for right now.

I really did not want to go to that meeting yesterday, but I was reminded of the importance of learning what you don’t know and how it changes you are you do learn.

I really want to decorate for Christmas and slowly sip my coffee and read a book and spend all day at the park with my dog but it’s Monday so – Back on the horse, back to learning as I go, back to beating myself up less and appreciating more and finding comfort in the fact that I don’t always know. But I will always learn.

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Xx

Jane

Two days before Hurricane Helene impacted western North Carolina (Wednesday, September 25, 2024), I stopped by the Blue Ridge Parkway for a quick POTA activation to thoroughly test my MTR-3B self-contained field kit. This was crucial, as I had plans to conduct multiple SOTA activations during the 2024 W4 SOTA campout in north Georgia the … Continue reading Testing my MTR-3B field kit before a weekend of SOTA (spoiler: that never happened) →

I’m grateful for a busy Saturday. I’m grateful for seeing that setbacks are temporary. I’m grateful for sunny morning and excellent coffee. I’m grateful for surprises and what happens when I stay open. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

As always there are lots of links within the article. Click one! Click them all! Learn all the things! Dear readers, admittedly the title is clickbait, but I assure you that there is truth behind it. As you already know, I occasionally travel for work and lately I’ve been working inside a correctional institution for … Continue reading Vince gets out of jail long enough to do a handful of activations →

I’m grateful for a Friday morning. I’m grateful for a really good week. I’m grateful for adventure and the unexpected. I’m grateful for what is. I’m grateful letting things come to me. I’m grateful for quiet and peace and coffee. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

Officially, the first piece of recorded music I was able to call my own, was by the Monkees: “Last Train to Clarksville,” which I carefully cut off the back of a Honeycombs cereal box and actually played on the record player. My favorite Monkee’s song would be “Stepping Stone,” which is a really dark song for a TV band conceived to appeal to ten year-olds on Saturday mornings:

Of course I love it very much for exactly that reason. It applied perfectly to my very ephemeral and mostly imaginary junior high relationships. I’m no one’s stepping stone, not even you, Jamie S., reading all them high-fashion magazines and going on bowling dates with my now ex-best friend, Kent K.

Now, perhaps you’re wondering, why is that first song, “I’m a Believer,” the song of the week when you just said that “Stepping Stone” is really a much better song? If you want to know the truth, it’s the same reason that I also didn’t choose this song:

Because it’s not clear what I’m going to write about then. By the way, “Say Anything,” is one of my favorite movies and features one of my favorite scenes from any movie ever:

I’m going to ask you a personal favor here, please watch that scene. Even if you never click on anything, which is a lot of you, you should. But back to the song of the week, “I’m a Believer,” actually resides on my main, everyday playlist and I like it much better than the Smashmouth/Shrek version, which is noticeably not posted here.

Am I vamping here? Maybe. I know there’s a lot of inner drama and self-realization uncorked on these pages and even I need a break from all that meaningfulness sometimes. At the same time, things are really, really good in TBD-land. I vaguely make mention of the people who very mysteriously have come into my life and helped me get where I needed to go. I was talking to one of those people yesterday about what happens when the universe grants wishes.

2023 was, in retrospect, a very hard year for me. As I reach the end of 2024, I see even more clearly how hard it was and how much there was to cope with. Anyway, one particularly dark day, I was sitting at my desk and had been writing or something. I was tired and stressed and pretty fearful about where things were going, or not going.

I’m not a frequent prayer. I never really understood the concept of prayer. I do try to say thank you to the great force in the universe, whatever it is, on a pretty regular basis and there are occasionally semi-mysterious, direct communications. But I don’t do the get on my knees and pray thing, unless I’m in church and everyone else is. That day, I definitely did one of those foxhole prayers; we alcoholics are pretty famous for those. Here was a typical example of one of mine from the olden days:

“Please don’t let X find out Y.”

It was never really clear what was owed (or to whom) when those prayers were answered. For sure, I was pretty grateful.1 That particular day, on that dark morning, I stared out the window in front of my desk, at the island that I believe could be named for me, and I just thought this:

If I can please just stay here and keep doing what I’m doing. I don’t need much else and I could be very happy.

I wasn’t trying to manifest the accoutrements of the old life, I wasn’t wishing for transformation or fame or power or wealth. I just wanted to keep sitting at my desk in my lovely den and write and listen to music, take long walks and play basketball in the park, and work on things I think are interesting, love my kids and their kids, and so on2 —and let the life I was meant to lead come to me, a piece at a time, a day at a time. At the moment, even making that pretty spartan ask, seemed pretty f****** extravagant.

I don’t think it was even all that detailed, it might have just been,

“Please let me keep what I’ve found.”

Here I am. I’m not sure of the exact date of that prayer, sometime last October-ish or maybe November. But here I am. Sitting in the same chair, looking at the same view (although a plant I’m sponsoring is now part of the view) and realizing I got exactly what I prayed for.

This is what my friend and I were talking about yesterday. She said that she realized her simple (maybe too simple) prayer had been answered as well, leading to that “now what?” moment that sometimes attends the granting of wishes and prayers.3 We both laughed, maybe we should have asked for more. But that was exactly the problem. As long as I was compiling a list of things I wanted and including those in my “prayers,” well, even when I get some of the requested items, I found I ended up getting even more resentment as part of the package. In the olden days, I spent my time seething about the wishes that went ungranted, instead of appreciating the beauty and meaning of the ones that were.

The Big Book talks about living a life beyond our wildest dreams; I’m not sure my dreams are all that wild anymore. During the dark days, I dreamed about living a life that I didn’t have to hide, being a person I didn’t need to obscure or alter, doing the simple things that produced joy in my own life and helping others when I could.

My friend and I realized that the universe had granted our respective petitions and we both had the sense that maybe we should have asked for a little more? The thing is, it’s hard for me to imagine what “a little more” would even be. I have finally built a home for myself, perhaps it’s a cocoon, but it’s all mine.

I guess it’s true, the life I’m leading is one that was beyond my wildest dreams when I was drinking. I found a life of purpose and meaning and happiness and sadness and love and loneliness and kindness and disappointment and connection and excitement and mystery.

I’m not sure what I would even use the other three wishes for.

Happy Friday.

Many thanks to Brian (K3ES) who shares the following guest post: Six Weeks and 7300 Miles:  Activating on the Road by Brian (K3ES) This article gives an overview of a driving trip across the United States and back that included activation of Parks on the Air (POTA) entities in 21 states along the way.  We … Continue reading Six Weeks and 7300 Miles: Activating on the Road →

I’m grateful for attending some NYC meetings I’ve been absent from for a while. I’m grateful for the practical wisdom found in “Living Sober”. I’m grateful for rethinking the design of our space in some fun, creative ways. I’m grateful for the charming Holiday section at the grocery store right by us – will definitely be investing in their candle options over the next few weeks. I’m grateful for another long run where my body felt up to the task. I’m grateful for the myriad of gifts I have in my life today – both tangible and intangible. I’m grateful for knowing how to reorient my mind towards the small, tiny activities that nourish my soul. I’m grateful for the community AA provides and how quickly strangers can become friends. I’m grateful for checking out from certain actions for a bit in order to protect my serenity. I’m grateful for being on the north side of the street because it ensures the snow melts pretty quickly after a storm.

I think I’ve shared here before that I love these little phrases, little acronyms we have in AA to guide us. “Bless you, change me” is the most recent one to enter into my vernacular. Its timing is certainly apt because I’ve been feeling more on edge over the past few weeks. Whether it’s events well outside my control or tiny things in my own life, I’ve found my character defects pushing for a seat at the table more fervently than usual. When this happens I can easily blame the universe for wronging me, for not giving me what I want instantly, or for not understanding how my point of view is the sage one.

That’s why the introduction of a pithy phrase like “Bless you, change me” is so timely. “Change me” is kind of analogous to another favorite sober tenet of mine that says recovery is an inside job. Essentially any true change in thinking, any true change of character, has to come from within. I cannot expect the world to regularly fall in line because as I’ve been retaught many, many, many times in sobriety, I am not in control. To avoid resentments building from things not going my way, I must look internally to find acceptance and balance. If I authentically reframe my thinking around challenging situations, big or small, then I am a better sober person at the end of the day. Reframing is really hard though. Luckily I get to rely on a lot of the wisdom I’ve accumulated from attending Meetings, reading the Big Book, speaking with fellows, practicing my routines to let me realize the discomfort I’m experiencing can transform into a positive if I put in the work. Being active in recovery has provided the opportunity to find multiple paths away from toxicity and towards constructive thought.

I also appreciate the “Bless you” part of this saying. Initially I read it as slightly cheeky, maybe even condescending. However if I absorb the words with greater sincerity then it’s simply a reminder to always lead with love. Whether it’s a stranger on the street, a pushy coworker, or someone in my inner circle I have to demonstrate love first. I have to demonstrate empathy first. I have to demonstrate kindness first. When I do that then I can better understand where others are coming from and thereby feel less angst and more peace.

All the above takes practice of course. Practice I’ll undoubtedly be doing for the rest of my life. Being on a solid sober footing though gives me a leg up to tackle this more maturely and more effectively. I need to just keep integrating wisdom like “Bless you, change me” into my DNA so that these straightforward words are translated into my everyday actions. I can practice my shift in thinking by applying it initially to the little stuff – like not being annoyed when my partner fails to put on our dog’s harness properly. When I’m capable of addressing those category of things, I can gradually transfer this to life’s larger issues. I feel quite blessed to be able to have the regained the capacity to better myself again. It’s no longer wallowing in a mosh pit of self-pity, but rather going with the flow of self-improvement.

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Please note that this POTA (Parks On The Air) activation took place on September 19, 2024—eight days before Hurricane Helene devastated western North Carolina. This is one of a few field reports and activation videos I’ll be sharing that took place before Helene’s arrival. As I mentioned in my last field report, I haven’t been … Continue reading Testing New POTA Gear: High-Band QMX, Explorer Carbon Fiber Mast, Pressure Paddle, and a Packed Nemo Resolve 25L →

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for seeing my family this weekend, for Timmy’s anniversary coming up, for a slow and restful weekend and for the day off today. I’m grateful for the city that I live in, for NYC AA, for my sponsor, my sober friends, and for continuing to learn and grow every day.

Gooood morning my friends!

As per usual, hope everyone had OR is still having a lovely weekend (: Happy Veteran’s Day to anyone who served!!

Days off like today are my favorite because everyone else for the most part also has off and there is this unspoken ‘do not bother me’ across the board that you just don’t get when you take a random day off.

Anyway, I’m spending the day going to the eye doctor, finally making it to the 6:15pm meeting at my home group for once and staying for a special meeting after. And I wasn’t sure what to write today so originally, I was going to post my obligatory I don’t know what to write long gratitude list but as I unloaded the dishwasher, took out the trash, flipped the laundry my head of course started to swirl.

First and foremost, Timmy’s anniversary is this Thursday, and I couldn’t be any prouder of him. How far he’s come. All the places he’ll continue to go.

Over the weekend we went down to Jersey to see my parents and have their dog meet our dog which I personally believe couldn’t have gone any better. We should definitely be able to bring the dog down to their place for Christmas and the fact we were even able to do such a successful meet & greet is truly a direct result of being sober.

That said as I am sure you are all super tired of hearing – I am super tired. And day’s off like today are so helpful in terms of cup refilling even if it’s just a little bit but it’s never felt like enough. I’d love to take like a month long sabbatical but that’s neither here nor there.

The point is I’ve been thinking a lot about longevity rather than the short term what’s directly in front of me. Whether that be at work, or in AA or in my relationships. I have definitely been a little over the line when it comes to selfishness lately, I cannot see past how drained I am and there is so much truth to putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on someone else. I can’t help anyone right now because I am so consumed by the short term.

So, what do I need to do for the long game? Take breaks, rest when I need to, talk to God, journal. But saying that all together feels like a lot and don’t forget – I am super tired.

So very simply, I just have to put the oxygen mask on myself for a little. I feel like I am constantly at war with myself too – be a worker among workers BUT I also want to succeed and make a name for myself. Go back to being the AA gold star child I once thought myself to be, but don’t overdo it because you’ll burn out. Rest when you need to, but the house is dirty and really needs to be cleaned.

Surely there is a middle ground if I just zoom out a little. So, there’s no neat way of tying this all into a cute little bow – this past year has been a long phase of learning and growth and growing pains.

The middle ground is out there, I’ll put the oxygen mask on and please, the office is closed today – do not email me.

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Xx

Jane

I’m grateful for a fun-filled Saturday. I’m grateful for the life I get to lead. I’m grateful for drinking coffee while the sun comes up. I’m grateful for long walks in the park on Fall afternoons. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)