I’m grateful for a sunny Friday morning. I’m grateful for the end of February. I’m grateful for really cool opportunities. I’m grateful for all of the hanging in. I’m grateful for where I’m going. I’m grateful to not know where that is. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

I f***ing hate February. I have my reasons (don’t worry, we’re going to be exploring that in depth). February is my personal Bermuda Triangle, where I suddenly find myself lost in a whole different world. I look back at previous Februarys,1 It’s like I’m watching a movie of someone else doing really disastrous stuff, squirming in my seat, hoping against hope, you’re not really going to do that, are you?

It’s a hard movie to watch because he always does.

I’ve been sober for more than five years at this point, and I still have these moments wherein I very lucidly remember something I did or said back in the olden days (or a combo of saying and doing) and just feel an instant wave of revulsion and regret wash over me. I imagine the faces of the people on the receiving end of my nonsense, the looks of pain and disappointment and fear in they eyes of the people who loved me, the people I hurt so badly. There’s a lot of residual shame that wells up and washes over me, kind of the way oatmeal will foam over the top of the pot if you’re not paying attention.2

February is like walking in a graveyard for me; wandering in the darkness between the tombstones and having to remember a lot of what happened. On top of this, there is a pretty strong seasonal component to the depression that has been a companion to me for most of my life. It’s funny, because I get about one-third of the way through February and think, this is not so bad, maybe things are getting better. Then kaboom, I’m sitting on the sofa and even the prospect of chinese food being delivered to my apartment is not enough to rouse me from my torpor.

It’s actually quite a bit worse than that. I’ve had lots of Februarys to observe the phenomenon and I know that it follows pretty much the same course. I start to feel tired all of the time, but have serious difficulties sleeping. Even things I cherish and love seem not so appealing and it’s hard to muster the energy to do things, enjoy things, care about things. I get sick a lot in February.

As things grow a little darker, I begin questioning myself and what I’m doing. I note for myself the absurdity of the things I’m pursuing, the impossibility of what I’m trying to do, the ridiculousness of the things I dream about. All of the good stuff in my life recedes, like I’m looking through the telescope backwards, and I feel lost and lonely and things just seem very, very dark.

Of course, part of the problem is that February is kind of a dark month and it comes after January, which is light-wise, very, very dark. Physically, I know this is part of the problem, However, I will note that even the year that I lived in sunny Florida through the dreaded February doldrums, well, they were still the February doldrums. Did I mention that Februarys have been super eventful for me and not in the good way?

I got engaged twice and married once in the month of February.3 I’ve had two really important relationships end in February. I had to report back to sleepaway rehab one February. I got tossed out of an IOP in February.4 I’m sure some good things have happened, I just don’t seem to be able to recall them off-hand.

I know enough these days to just hunker down when February comes and stock up on the pop-tarts and Apple Jacks.5 My strategy these days is to wait it out and try to limit the amount of self-reproachment that usually goes on. YouTube is a pretty potent ally in the waiting it out phase, but even YouTube could not prevent me from dangerously falling in love again during this very dismal month.

I’m talking about the song of the week now. YouTube suggested this video to me and I was instantly seduced by the leisure suit, if we’re going to be honest. My Grandpa B had a leisure suit in almost this exact color in 1975, also worn with the cuffs unbuttoned. One difference: Instead of the mod turtleneck sported in the video, Grandpa B preferred a shirt and tie and buttoned up the front of the leisure suit. Two differences: Grandpa B did not get down like this:

Not to go on too long, but I can’t stop listening to this. I have been working on the adjust the glasses wink and smile move—there is a lot of power in that. This is the part where I would start blabbing on at length about the way I made it through this February was with self-love and honesty and compassion and acceptance, it feels like that’s all I talk about anymore. I’m going to tell you how I got through February:

I raw-dogged it.

This is not necessarily what you think,6 it’s something you see on social media wherein younger people do the unthinkable and unplug from their devices for unimaginable periods of time—like sometimes hours. They confront their demons and let their brains be occupied by nothing but their own thoughts and imaginations during multi-hour plane flights or even train rides to the Hamptons. On this basis, I’ve raw-dogged my entire life— from 1962 until the early 2000’s. But enough bragging.

I knew February was going to suck. I’m generally a pretty positive person, but let’s just call it for what it is:

February is a garbage month.

That’s my opinion. Some of you like February and that’s cool. Some people even look forward to Valentine’s Day or the Super Bowl or all of the other great stuff that goes on in February. My view and my view alone: If it’s so great, why are there only 28 days of it.7 Also, what the f*** is up with the groundhog? Seriously? If the highlight of February is a rodent predicting weather, I think I’m just going to stay in my den and let the rest of you drink it all in.

Random thought: Maybe bears suffer from depression and hibernation is not just about sleeping?

So, I raw-dogged February. I knew it was going to suck, I knew I was going to be stuck in cycles of upsetting thinking, I knew my motivation levels were going to be hovering around zero, I knew I was going to try to take myself apart brick-by-brick to see if that felt any better.8

The trick for me is not taking February very seriously. The task is being ready when the crazy, dark thoughts start crawling out of the crevices and deep recesses of my alcoholic brain. I don’t need to engage those dark thoughts and mow them down like the malicious, hungry zombies they are; the trick is to let those jokers run right past me. The trick is to keep doing the simple things, even when I don’t really want to.

I don’t mean to take credit for herculean tasks like walking in Central Park on Sunday mornings, or going to the Farmers Market in the dead of winter or spending the weekend cooking and reading and letting the glorious awfulness of February just wash over me and then depart. But, the effort involved in doing those normally pleasurable things does amp up pretty significantly in February.

My thoughts in February can resemble what it might look like if you suddenly let a bunch of really angry monkeys out of a monkey insane asylum and then told them who was responsible for them being in the monkey insane asylum in the first place. Also, the person probably responsible for the terrible food in the monkey insane asylum.

I recognize that the feelings the monkeys are unleashing aren’t based in reality or logic or truth; they’re likely products of repressed fear and anger from things that happened a long time ago but are still working their way out. They don’t mean anything. They don’t have any real power.

Once the insane monkey posse has passed by, I take a deep breath and realize that I’ll soon be seeing daffodils and forsythia. I realize that all of the dark stuff is just remnants of what was and what, very fortunately, doesn’t have to be what “is” anymore.

It’s just February.

Did I mention I’m really glad it’s over?

Happy Friday.

You might recall from my last field report that I was undecided about keeping or selling my Ten-Tec Argonaut V transceiver. After some soul-searching, I’ve decided to keep it! The response from the QRPer community was incredible. With few exceptions, nearly everyone who reached out encouraged me to hang onto the Argo V—largely because it … Continue reading To Sell or Not to Sell? My Decision on the Argonaut V! →

Texas Tower of Power by Scott (WE5J) February 14, Valentine’s Day. I’m off work a bit early, so what else better to do than slip off for a POTA activation! I had high hopes of making it to the park, but had to wait on the delivery service to drop off a work package so … Continue reading The Power of Elevation: Scott’s POTA Experiment →

I’m grateful for having the financial resources to take care of my teeth since insurance coverage is absurdly lackluster. I’m grateful for investing in my health when for a while it was something I disregarded completely. I’m grateful for a partner who is being genuinely supportive through this arduous process. I’m grateful AA has taught me tools that let me work through problems rather than find shortcuts around them. I’m grateful to exist in an age where modern medicine has created some amazing tools that drastically improve our lives, in some cases nearly instantly. I’m grateful for becoming better at managing my finances such that emergency situations don’t totally derail me like they might have in the past. I’m grateful for a super early morning run where the weather was amazing and I got to witness all the off leash dogs enjoying themselves in the park. I’m grateful for logging my highest elevation gains since returning to Denver. I’m grateful for the reminder that I can no longer use control to try to change things that’ve already happened, but instead focus more on inhabiting acceptance, gratitude, and serenity. I’m grateful for the select few Zoom AA meetings I’ve cherished since the pandemic continuing to exist today. I’m grateful when Harper returns home tuckered out from a full day at daycare with his buddies.

I visited the dentist earlier this week. Somewhat embarrassingly I haven’t been there in ages. It was actually a reminder call from my veterinarian, who said I have Harper’s first teeth cleaning next month, that made me realize I should probably do the same. Going to the dentist after so long got me thinking more deeply about what I do nowadays to take care of myself to remain a sober, functioning adult.

Over the past 3+ years in AA my self-care practices have progressed by leaps and bounds. Back in those dark addiction days my mind was consumed solely by drinking. It didn’t matter if my abdomen was hurting, or if I was destroying relationships, or if I didn’t have enough money for food, I was obsessively focused on one thing: vodka.

With a lot of grace from my Higher Power and a lot of wisdom collected from AA literature and meetings, I’ve been able to figure out how to look after myself in a sustainable fashion. When I do so I know I can not only stay sober, but also be of service to my community. The eventual goal is of course becoming more adept at freely giving away this Program the way it was given to me.

To hold myself accountable around staying close to my self-care actions I thought it would be a valuable personal exercise documenting them. A little cheat sheet of sorts I can reference next time I’m feeling glum and be like, “Oh yeah, it’s because I’m not doing XYZ.”

Mental Self-Care Practices

AA Catchphrases/Acronyms

These have been super critical for me during moments of stress. With time and practice I’ve been better at recalling them in real-time such that I can quickly de-escalate my mind. Current favorite phrases that keep me in line include: PAUSE (Postpone Action Until Serenity Enters), HALT (am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If ‘yes’ to any, then address that before moving forward), THINK (is what I’m saying Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary, Kind? If ‘no’ to any, then keep my mouth closed), KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid), Forgiveness Is Love In Action, This Too Shall Pass, My Conscience Always Keeps Score, Pain Is Inevitable But Suffering Is Optional, Just Let Go, and finally Time Takes Time.

Setting Boundaries

Something I discovered early in my journey is that part of not being a resentments-filled people pleaser is learning how to set boundaries. Boundaries usually means distancing myself from folks who I know are infringing on my serenity. It seems simple enough to say, but for this alcoholic actually doing it effectively took a while, and I still falter. However when I do it right, it makes me feel incredibly light.

Practicing H.O.W.

It’s cheating slightly because I could’ve categorized this under acronyms, but I wanted to separate it out because the ending of Appendix II in the Big Book contains this phrase and of late it has been particularly resonant. When I have to remind myself to do AA I know H.O.W. – I have to be ‘Honest’, ‘Open-Minded’, and ‘Willing’. I can easily close myself off from the world for a variety of reasons, but when I am actively doing those three things in every interaction then I feel more connected with my HP. I will say honesty is a big for me right now. I can tend to say little white lies to protect people’s feelings, but I now realize doing that only kicks the metaphorical can down the road. At some point I’ll have to address it head on. So honesty now means serenity also now.

Music & Podcasts

Listening to my favorite rotation of podcasts and playlists distracts me from whatever bit of news might be weighing me down. It shifts my thoughts towards something either more pleasant or more intellectually stimulating. Both serve in helping me move to the next thought more readily rather than inhabit a space (especially a negative one) for too long.

Talking It Out With Others | Social Relationships

Whether they be friends, family, fellows, or my partner getting out of my head is the goal and also being humble enough to receive their perspective. Going through those actions is always crucial in allowing me to calmly walk through any event. I’ve gotten a lot better at letting go of my “lone wolf” badge and have learnt how to be more open, more vulnerable, with others. Engaging in that regularly has interestingly given me more self-confidence too because I can present more authentically without fear of reproach.

Harper

Having a dog in my life forces me to be outside at regular intervals, teaches me how to get outside of self, and how to love another living thing that communicates in his own unique manner. I wrote a whole thing about it here.

Interior Design

This has become a serious passion of mine that started when I got my home in Queens and has continued expanding here in Denver. I love watching YouTube home tours to expand how I think about continually improving my own space. In sobriety caring about bettering my immediate surroundings reminds me I care about myself. When I care for myself I can more readily lead with love in more aspect of my life.

Candles

I never quite internalized how smell can play a powerful role in changing my mood. It was during the pandemic I discovered burning candles fills my surroundings with a pleasing odor, which without failed resulted in boosting my mood. This could be a subset of interior design, but I wanted to call candles out specifically because my rituals around maintaining candles such that they last longer folds into all this. So yeah, smell…who would’ve thought it could promote near instant mental serenity.

Technology Blackouts

I’ve been getting better at not bringing my phone on walks with Harper, not keeping it by my bed so it’s not the first thing I check when waking up, and generally becoming more conscientious about what content (and how much of it) I ingest throughout the day. Remembering that I grew up in the ’90s where I spent considerable amounts of time without technology at my fingertips is comforting because I know how to do that lifestyle. And doing that today gives me the ability to investigate my thoughts with greater clarity and quietude.

Comfort TV

It’s a similar feeling that I get from music, especially classic bops from my childhood, but sometimes I simply need to rewatch 30 Rock, The Good Place, or Parks & Recreation for the umpteenth time to regain my fortitude.

Physical Self-Care Practices

Running

This has been such a game changer for my serenity. Being outdoors and seeing the mountains daily reminds me of a power greater than myself. Plus getting the adrenaline pumping in a very focused and healthy manner provides me space from the world’s nonsense for at least an hour. After wrapping up my run I can return to the various tasks at hand with a fresher, calmer perspective.

Diet

While I could still get better at eating healthier despite being a lifelong vegetarian, the fact that I’m not inhaling Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, or whatever other junk food during my drunken binges is a huge step up nutritionally. Baby steps for sure, but I am eating regularly and that is a key component of my ‘HALT’ acronym from above.

Sleeping On Time

I’m so much better at sleeping regularly and therefore soundly. It helps having a dog and a partner who are both on regimented schedules, which encourages me to get to bed at a certain hour. Left to my own devices I can falter on this front and when I do the ramifications are unsurprisingly poor.

Hair Care

It may sound slight, but my hairline isn’t what it used to be in my 20s so practicing a specific care regimen has made me feel good about my hair situation. To me some of the external things do matter, like teeth and hair, so finding a good balance without veering into shaky self-esteem territory is something I’ve been able to manage in sobriety.

Spiritual Self-Care Practices

Daily Gratitude Texts

Like with running these have been a game changer ever since I started them 1.5 or so years ago. Throughout the day I make mental notes of the blessings in my life and when I sit down in the evening I write them all out. Usually it’s a 7-10-minute exercise of quieting my brain, reaching for my HP, and discovering the plethora of positives in my life. Discipline with this practice has built a vital mental muscle in my brain. The muscle lets me more easily pivot towards noticing the silver linings that are always there if I open myself up to them.

Writing

I had sort of forgotten how to write in long-form until I started on Substack. But being able to sit down and consolidate my weekly thoughts on sobriety, either for myself or in a more public forum, has been a game changer. Its invited me to converse with my brain, almost as if I’m having a one-on-one check-in conversation. The act of writing our conversation then further reinforces those ideas. The act of healthy internal introspection that writing affords me is an invaluable gift when it comes to staying close to my Higher Power.

Nature

Living in Colorado has increased my access to some epic nature. Simply existing in those environments brings such an immediate sense of calm, perspective, and spirituality.

Houseplants

This could be tied with Harper, but having a lot of house plants brings me a lot of personal introspection. Noticing the tiny ways they contort to find the sun, sprout new leaves over the course of weeks, react to the slightest changes in care reinforces my connection to everything around me. My plants are a microcosm of my relationship with the broader natural world and it’s humbling to be reminded of that each day as I go through the motions of their caretaking.

Reciting Prayers

I’ve shared before that there are only two prayers I recite regularly. The Serenity Prayer at the end of our AA meetings and the Gayatri Mantra, an old Sanskrit prayer I’ve known since childhood. Not only the content of these prayers, but also the act of saying them inevitably has a relaxing effect. In a Pavlovian way I’ve been trained to settle my thoughts whenever I let the recitation of these beautiful ancient words come out of my mouth. Someone shared a while back that actually pausing between the words of a prayer so as to elongate the time I spend with them is a form of meditation. I love that sentiment and it’s something I’ve used more regularly to keep in touch with my spiritual side.

Meetings

It’s all about getting out of my own head and nowhere do I experience that better than when I attend a meeting. Hearing how my fellows tread their sober paths is always immensely enriching. I get inspired, I get ideas, I get less lonely, I get wisdom that I store to use if not for today, then definitely for later on in life. Meetings connect me with my people and in those connections I better understand my Higher Power.

Sponsor & Sponsee Interactions

Similar to Meetings, these more intimate AA interactions are immensely rewarding, especially with the individuals who are supposed to keep me most closely tied to the Program. Everything I said about meetings rings true here as well.

Reading The Big Book

While I’m not yet one of those people who reviews pages 86-88 daily, I am part of groups where we go through the first 164 pages of the Book over the course of several months. Despite plenty of arcane 1930s language that perhaps doesn’t quite track in our current era, the sentiment of the words – and often the words themselves – still hold tremendous meaning for me. Rereading the Big Book is an exercise in humility where I am actively working to find points of understanding, points of commonality, rather than taking the easy route of criticism or judgement. Every time I review a chapter I find new meaning in how it impacts my ever evolving sobriety. To be reminded I am connected to a long lineage of people who’ve used this Book to find recovery is powerful.

Future Practices That Can Further My Self-Care

• Diversifying exercise routines: In particular think about strength training workouts that’ll help as I age. Also I want to play more sports. I was doing tennis for a bit until it got cold and I’ve always loved playing soccer so hopefully I’ll research those options as it gets warmer. It’ll also allow me to build up social connections, even outside of AA.

• More sponsees: The more I’m able to see perspectives on sobriety from others, especially a newcomer still learning their way, it further solidifies what works in me and what I need to change.

• Traditional meditation: There is something to be said about simply sitting in silence in one place. One day…🧘‍♂️

• Diversifying my AA literature: Drop The Rock is text I’ve heard a lot of good things about and rereading Living Sober has been on my To-Do list for a while.

• Reading in general: I do this in spurts where I’ll read a ton of books for three to four months and then zilch for the remainder of the year. The process of silently reading and being transported to different worlds via storytelling is an exercise I do find meditative in its own special way. I don’t have an excuse about trying to find the right books because I already have a trove of titles at home that I know I want to finish.

• More service: Especially at places like sober homes, rehabs, and jails.

• Creative hobbies: Drawing, carpentry work, needlepoint, piano – I’ve enjoyed all of these in spurts over my life, but I’d like to truly become an expert in some area that lets my creative juices flowing. Feeling creative in the past has always made me feel joyous.

• Therapist: I had someone briefly when I first joined AA. It wasn’t a fit, but one day I’d like to see, with the right person, what I can continue learning about myself in order to continue growing.

• Regular doctor visits: I’m realizing at 40 my body isn’t springy so I need to be better at regularly seeing medical professionals – get my annual physical, continue with me dental upkeep, optometrist check-ins, etc.

Subscribe now

On Wednesday, January 5, 2025, I planned a trip to Hickory to pick up my father and take him to lunch. With our family’s hectic schedule, I hadn’t been able to spend any meaningful time with him in weeks, so I was looking forward to catching up. Of course, as is tradition, I also planned … Continue reading Should It Stay or Go? A POTA Activation with the Ten-Tec Argonaut V →

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful to have made it to PS safely, for this wonderful new job that I have that is fun and fulfilling. I’m grateful that we are moving somewhere safe so soon. I’m grateful for AA, for my friends, my family, coffee. I’m grateful for a really good night’s sleep, for a mountain view, for being in California for the first time EVER which is absolutely a gift of sobriety.

Gooood morning my friends (: As always, hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! 

Today I am writing to you once again technically on Sunday from the sky as I fly from New York to California for work. A few things as it pertains to air travel – first getting myself on the plane takes so much prayer and energy. The actual act of taking off and feeling the wheels leave the ground makes me feel so out of control that I want to vomit. 

That said, once you are 10,000 ft in the air or however high they take you – it is quite peaceful. If the WiFi works that’s great and you can get a ton of stuff done uninterrupted but it is also just so quiet. You get snacks. You can read or sleep or sail across the sky and just be. I miss my boys SO MUCH back at home but I cannot lie it is nice to have nothing to do but just sit here for 5+ hours. 

Also as I travel across the country I feel like I’m time traveling. My phone updates the time as we go so it was 12 and then it was 11 and now that I’m on my laptop (which I purposely like to keep EST) it is 1:30 again! 

Anyway I didn’t come here to chat exclusively about air travel but I WAS using my 5+ hours of free time to reflect and think about what I wanted to write. 

As you all know it has been chaotically chaotic lately and I’d just like to share about how I haven’t had a drink or a drug during any of it. There may have been times here and there where I thought about it and let me be clear. The above sentence certainly DOES NOT mean I am immune to the potential of picking up a drink tomorrow. But over the past few weeks I felt like everything crumbled and then piece by piece we have and still are putting it all back together again. 

So it is possible through chaos and trauma and heart ache and paralyzing fear – through joy and transitions and change to NOT drink or drug. It is possible with the fellowship, our sponsors, the book, prayer, our friends, our family, or partners. Whatever it is for you that keeps you from drinking that is all you’ll ever need. At the end of the day there truly isn’t anything so bad that a drink won’t make worse and I am SO grateful that I haven’t picked up. 

Because then how could I be a good dog mom, girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend. How can I pick us up and so quickly get us out of this hell hole if I am drinking? How could I show up for this new job and fly across the country to see my colleagues in person for the first time if I was drinking.

So yeah it’s been pretty shitty man. But not as shitty as it would be if I picked up a drink. And really amazing things are on the horizon. Things that I would not be able to have or appreciate if I was drinking. 

So the moral of my story today is you can do it sober. Whatever it is that’s in front of you, whatever it is that may come up and surprise you, whatever it is that may make you have to uproot and grow and change and be strong and have courage. You can absolutely & most definitely do it sober. 

Leave a comment

xx 

Jane

Many thanks to Bob (K7ZB) for sharing the following update to his recent post, “Experimenting with Low Voltage on the (tr)uSDX.” Bob writes: Hi Tom, I think I just found out why my (tr)uSDX gave me receive problems when using a 6V lantern battery plugged into the radio in the 2.1mm power input. In the … Continue reading Bob Discovers the Cause of Low-Voltage Issues on the (tr)uSDX →

Seven Parks, Six Days in Utah with the KH1 by Glen (KC8LA) In November 2023, the YL had the chance to go to Salt Lake City to collaborate with professional genealogists at the Family Search Library to assist with her family tree. It proved to be a very productive week for her, filled with tips, … Continue reading Glen Explores Utah with the KH1: Seven Parks in Six Days →

I’m grateful for a chance to be myself—all day long. I’m grateful for a quiet , gray morning. I’m grateful to see a certain adorable baby again soon. I’m grateful for love and peace and tiny little hands. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

Many thanks to Dale (N3HXZ), who writes: “It would be nice to hear from your listeners/subscribers about which is the most robust paddle! I have not met a paddle yet that has not failed in the field at some point. Thanks for all your good work.” This is a great question. I feel that almost … Continue reading The Toughest CW Paddles for Field Use: What’s Your Pick? →