I’m grateful for a run where I could feel the positive impacts of being in higher elevation has had on my lungs. I’m grateful I can “listen” to my body – be much more attuned with it physically – especially in comparison to my alcoholic days where it always felt like a lead brick. I’m grateful for a meeting topic focused on grace and hearing people’s eclectic interpretations of what the word means in their sobriety. I’m grateful for the distinction between religion and spirituality being brought up at the past few meetings I’ve attended. I’m grateful to be of service to my parents, even though I still revert to old behavioral habits/ticks that I need to address. I’m grateful for the presence of mind to course correct in real time more easily rather than let defects linger or overwhelm. I’m grateful for homemade Indian food for every meal, it’s definitely something I’ve been missing back in Denver. I’m grateful to know when to keep my mouth shut and simply let things be. I’m grateful for the Starbucks within walking distance. I’m grateful for AA’s strong presence in my life – consistently investing in it ensures I know how to “cash in” more easily during tricker periods. I’m grateful for bringing Harper with me on this trip as he is providing me an invaluable sense of comfort and affection.
I’m happy to be spending the next seven days back “home” in NYC. Although the email I sent last week has yet to be addressed by my family, a real burden has already been lifted. I continue to keep my side of the street clean when it comes to living my sober life and I also remember that I can’t control other people’s actions, just my own reactions.
On my first night here I was walking Harper and passed by a small grove of evergreen trees. I haven’t thought about that area in a long while. It used to be where I’d stash my 1.75 liter Tito’s bottles because keeping them at home was too risky. My twisted version of “spring cleaning” involved throwing away these bottles late at night in a dumpster around the corner by a neighboring apartment complex. It was unsettling thinking about how many handles of vodka I had stored under those trees. If someone ever discovered them then it would have been quite the insane sight.
In Denver I don’t have those memories at all. The streets, the stores, just everything about it contains only sober experiences. In contrast NYC is littered with drinking memories – good and bad. Having actual geographic distance has certainly blunted said memories from resurfacing as often as they once did. Having a little time as well helps in stemming their relitigation.
But being here again does give me pause. A flood of sense memories have rushed back. In my head I’m like, “Yeah, that XYZ event/place was really really awful”. My life could have taken some devastating, probably fatal, turns on so many occasions. Miraculously though these reminders aren’t triggers. If anything they provide me with an appreciation for how far I’ve come and how much further I can keep going. Sitting here, writing my post, I’m realizing those eloquently written 9th Step Promises are coming true in real time. It’s not necessarily a deeply revolutionary experience or grand spiritual epiphany. It’s simply a quiet, intimate moment of understanding and appreciation. As it states in Appendix II of the Big Book on page 567, I have “undergone a profound alteration in [my] reaction to life”. The altered reaction is that ruminating on the past has evolved from toxic self-flagellation to an ability to find grace for myself. In that state of grace I create opportunities for growth.
Of course growth comes from community, not in solitary actions. That same sentence in Appendix II continues by saying, “that such a change could hardly have been brought about by [myself] alone”. My change has indeed come from living in the warm world of AA: in meeting rooms, in spiritual routines, in conversations with fellows, and in exploration of my Higher Power. Through all those interactions, tangible and conceptual, the solution for my emotional sobriety has been regularly reinforced. Sure, I have this older version of me still lingering inside. That dark soul who is prone to self-pity and self-destruction. However I also have this healthier, lighter soul who is actively working to understand, improve, and be the best version of himself. Proximity to AA shows me how to have greater proximity to that second version of me.
As I reflect on the evergreen tree grove that used to be a graveyard for my vodka bottles, the painful memories are not as overpowering because the site is no longer a dumping ground for my addiction. It’s a visual source of inspiration that transformation is possible: from scampering in the dark of night just to get a few swigs so my demons were quelled to now walking by it in the light of day with my mind aware, grateful, and present. I cannot emphasize the amount of gratitude that fills me to be free from that insidious mindset. As long as I genuinely tap into AA, I will always find methods to derive strength from old struggles and wisdom from past pains.
