Texas Tower of Power by Scott (WE5J) February 14, Valentine’s Day. I’m off work a bit early, so what else better to do than slip off for a POTA activation! I had high hopes of making it to the park, but had to wait on the delivery service to drop off a work package so … Continue reading The Power of Elevation: Scott’s POTA Experiment →

I’m grateful for having the financial resources to take care of my teeth since insurance coverage is absurdly lackluster. I’m grateful for investing in my health when for a while it was something I disregarded completely. I’m grateful for a partner who is being genuinely supportive through this arduous process. I’m grateful AA has taught me tools that let me work through problems rather than find shortcuts around them. I’m grateful to exist in an age where modern medicine has created some amazing tools that drastically improve our lives, in some cases nearly instantly. I’m grateful for becoming better at managing my finances such that emergency situations don’t totally derail me like they might have in the past. I’m grateful for a super early morning run where the weather was amazing and I got to witness all the off leash dogs enjoying themselves in the park. I’m grateful for logging my highest elevation gains since returning to Denver. I’m grateful for the reminder that I can no longer use control to try to change things that’ve already happened, but instead focus more on inhabiting acceptance, gratitude, and serenity. I’m grateful for the select few Zoom AA meetings I’ve cherished since the pandemic continuing to exist today. I’m grateful when Harper returns home tuckered out from a full day at daycare with his buddies.

I visited the dentist earlier this week. Somewhat embarrassingly I haven’t been there in ages. It was actually a reminder call from my veterinarian, who said I have Harper’s first teeth cleaning next month, that made me realize I should probably do the same. Going to the dentist after so long got me thinking more deeply about what I do nowadays to take care of myself to remain a sober, functioning adult.

Over the past 3+ years in AA my self-care practices have progressed by leaps and bounds. Back in those dark addiction days my mind was consumed solely by drinking. It didn’t matter if my abdomen was hurting, or if I was destroying relationships, or if I didn’t have enough money for food, I was obsessively focused on one thing: vodka.

With a lot of grace from my Higher Power and a lot of wisdom collected from AA literature and meetings, I’ve been able to figure out how to look after myself in a sustainable fashion. When I do so I know I can not only stay sober, but also be of service to my community. The eventual goal is of course becoming more adept at freely giving away this Program the way it was given to me.

To hold myself accountable around staying close to my self-care actions I thought it would be a valuable personal exercise documenting them. A little cheat sheet of sorts I can reference next time I’m feeling glum and be like, “Oh yeah, it’s because I’m not doing XYZ.”

Mental Self-Care Practices

AA Catchphrases/Acronyms

These have been super critical for me during moments of stress. With time and practice I’ve been better at recalling them in real-time such that I can quickly de-escalate my mind. Current favorite phrases that keep me in line include: PAUSE (Postpone Action Until Serenity Enters), HALT (am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If ‘yes’ to any, then address that before moving forward), THINK (is what I’m saying Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary, Kind? If ‘no’ to any, then keep my mouth closed), KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid), Forgiveness Is Love In Action, This Too Shall Pass, My Conscience Always Keeps Score, Pain Is Inevitable But Suffering Is Optional, Just Let Go, and finally Time Takes Time.

Setting Boundaries

Something I discovered early in my journey is that part of not being a resentments-filled people pleaser is learning how to set boundaries. Boundaries usually means distancing myself from folks who I know are infringing on my serenity. It seems simple enough to say, but for this alcoholic actually doing it effectively took a while, and I still falter. However when I do it right, it makes me feel incredibly light.

Practicing H.O.W.

It’s cheating slightly because I could’ve categorized this under acronyms, but I wanted to separate it out because the ending of Appendix II in the Big Book contains this phrase and of late it has been particularly resonant. When I have to remind myself to do AA I know H.O.W. – I have to be ‘Honest’, ‘Open-Minded’, and ‘Willing’. I can easily close myself off from the world for a variety of reasons, but when I am actively doing those three things in every interaction then I feel more connected with my HP. I will say honesty is a big for me right now. I can tend to say little white lies to protect people’s feelings, but I now realize doing that only kicks the metaphorical can down the road. At some point I’ll have to address it head on. So honesty now means serenity also now.

Music & Podcasts

Listening to my favorite rotation of podcasts and playlists distracts me from whatever bit of news might be weighing me down. It shifts my thoughts towards something either more pleasant or more intellectually stimulating. Both serve in helping me move to the next thought more readily rather than inhabit a space (especially a negative one) for too long.

Talking It Out With Others | Social Relationships

Whether they be friends, family, fellows, or my partner getting out of my head is the goal and also being humble enough to receive their perspective. Going through those actions is always crucial in allowing me to calmly walk through any event. I’ve gotten a lot better at letting go of my “lone wolf” badge and have learnt how to be more open, more vulnerable, with others. Engaging in that regularly has interestingly given me more self-confidence too because I can present more authentically without fear of reproach.

Harper

Having a dog in my life forces me to be outside at regular intervals, teaches me how to get outside of self, and how to love another living thing that communicates in his own unique manner. I wrote a whole thing about it here.

Interior Design

This has become a serious passion of mine that started when I got my home in Queens and has continued expanding here in Denver. I love watching YouTube home tours to expand how I think about continually improving my own space. In sobriety caring about bettering my immediate surroundings reminds me I care about myself. When I care for myself I can more readily lead with love in more aspect of my life.

Candles

I never quite internalized how smell can play a powerful role in changing my mood. It was during the pandemic I discovered burning candles fills my surroundings with a pleasing odor, which without failed resulted in boosting my mood. This could be a subset of interior design, but I wanted to call candles out specifically because my rituals around maintaining candles such that they last longer folds into all this. So yeah, smell…who would’ve thought it could promote near instant mental serenity.

Technology Blackouts

I’ve been getting better at not bringing my phone on walks with Harper, not keeping it by my bed so it’s not the first thing I check when waking up, and generally becoming more conscientious about what content (and how much of it) I ingest throughout the day. Remembering that I grew up in the ’90s where I spent considerable amounts of time without technology at my fingertips is comforting because I know how to do that lifestyle. And doing that today gives me the ability to investigate my thoughts with greater clarity and quietude.

Comfort TV

It’s a similar feeling that I get from music, especially classic bops from my childhood, but sometimes I simply need to rewatch 30 Rock, The Good Place, or Parks & Recreation for the umpteenth time to regain my fortitude.

Physical Self-Care Practices

Running

This has been such a game changer for my serenity. Being outdoors and seeing the mountains daily reminds me of a power greater than myself. Plus getting the adrenaline pumping in a very focused and healthy manner provides me space from the world’s nonsense for at least an hour. After wrapping up my run I can return to the various tasks at hand with a fresher, calmer perspective.

Diet

While I could still get better at eating healthier despite being a lifelong vegetarian, the fact that I’m not inhaling Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, or whatever other junk food during my drunken binges is a huge step up nutritionally. Baby steps for sure, but I am eating regularly and that is a key component of my ‘HALT’ acronym from above.

Sleeping On Time

I’m so much better at sleeping regularly and therefore soundly. It helps having a dog and a partner who are both on regimented schedules, which encourages me to get to bed at a certain hour. Left to my own devices I can falter on this front and when I do the ramifications are unsurprisingly poor.

Hair Care

It may sound slight, but my hairline isn’t what it used to be in my 20s so practicing a specific care regimen has made me feel good about my hair situation. To me some of the external things do matter, like teeth and hair, so finding a good balance without veering into shaky self-esteem territory is something I’ve been able to manage in sobriety.

Spiritual Self-Care Practices

Daily Gratitude Texts

Like with running these have been a game changer ever since I started them 1.5 or so years ago. Throughout the day I make mental notes of the blessings in my life and when I sit down in the evening I write them all out. Usually it’s a 7-10-minute exercise of quieting my brain, reaching for my HP, and discovering the plethora of positives in my life. Discipline with this practice has built a vital mental muscle in my brain. The muscle lets me more easily pivot towards noticing the silver linings that are always there if I open myself up to them.

Writing

I had sort of forgotten how to write in long-form until I started on Substack. But being able to sit down and consolidate my weekly thoughts on sobriety, either for myself or in a more public forum, has been a game changer. Its invited me to converse with my brain, almost as if I’m having a one-on-one check-in conversation. The act of writing our conversation then further reinforces those ideas. The act of healthy internal introspection that writing affords me is an invaluable gift when it comes to staying close to my Higher Power.

Nature

Living in Colorado has increased my access to some epic nature. Simply existing in those environments brings such an immediate sense of calm, perspective, and spirituality.

Houseplants

This could be tied with Harper, but having a lot of house plants brings me a lot of personal introspection. Noticing the tiny ways they contort to find the sun, sprout new leaves over the course of weeks, react to the slightest changes in care reinforces my connection to everything around me. My plants are a microcosm of my relationship with the broader natural world and it’s humbling to be reminded of that each day as I go through the motions of their caretaking.

Reciting Prayers

I’ve shared before that there are only two prayers I recite regularly. The Serenity Prayer at the end of our AA meetings and the Gayatri Mantra, an old Sanskrit prayer I’ve known since childhood. Not only the content of these prayers, but also the act of saying them inevitably has a relaxing effect. In a Pavlovian way I’ve been trained to settle my thoughts whenever I let the recitation of these beautiful ancient words come out of my mouth. Someone shared a while back that actually pausing between the words of a prayer so as to elongate the time I spend with them is a form of meditation. I love that sentiment and it’s something I’ve used more regularly to keep in touch with my spiritual side.

Meetings

It’s all about getting out of my own head and nowhere do I experience that better than when I attend a meeting. Hearing how my fellows tread their sober paths is always immensely enriching. I get inspired, I get ideas, I get less lonely, I get wisdom that I store to use if not for today, then definitely for later on in life. Meetings connect me with my people and in those connections I better understand my Higher Power.

Sponsor & Sponsee Interactions

Similar to Meetings, these more intimate AA interactions are immensely rewarding, especially with the individuals who are supposed to keep me most closely tied to the Program. Everything I said about meetings rings true here as well.

Reading The Big Book

While I’m not yet one of those people who reviews pages 86-88 daily, I am part of groups where we go through the first 164 pages of the Book over the course of several months. Despite plenty of arcane 1930s language that perhaps doesn’t quite track in our current era, the sentiment of the words – and often the words themselves – still hold tremendous meaning for me. Rereading the Big Book is an exercise in humility where I am actively working to find points of understanding, points of commonality, rather than taking the easy route of criticism or judgement. Every time I review a chapter I find new meaning in how it impacts my ever evolving sobriety. To be reminded I am connected to a long lineage of people who’ve used this Book to find recovery is powerful.

Future Practices That Can Further My Self-Care

• Diversifying exercise routines: In particular think about strength training workouts that’ll help as I age. Also I want to play more sports. I was doing tennis for a bit until it got cold and I’ve always loved playing soccer so hopefully I’ll research those options as it gets warmer. It’ll also allow me to build up social connections, even outside of AA.

• More sponsees: The more I’m able to see perspectives on sobriety from others, especially a newcomer still learning their way, it further solidifies what works in me and what I need to change.

• Traditional meditation: There is something to be said about simply sitting in silence in one place. One day…🧘‍♂️

• Diversifying my AA literature: Drop The Rock is text I’ve heard a lot of good things about and rereading Living Sober has been on my To-Do list for a while.

• Reading in general: I do this in spurts where I’ll read a ton of books for three to four months and then zilch for the remainder of the year. The process of silently reading and being transported to different worlds via storytelling is an exercise I do find meditative in its own special way. I don’t have an excuse about trying to find the right books because I already have a trove of titles at home that I know I want to finish.

• More service: Especially at places like sober homes, rehabs, and jails.

• Creative hobbies: Drawing, carpentry work, needlepoint, piano – I’ve enjoyed all of these in spurts over my life, but I’d like to truly become an expert in some area that lets my creative juices flowing. Feeling creative in the past has always made me feel joyous.

• Therapist: I had someone briefly when I first joined AA. It wasn’t a fit, but one day I’d like to see, with the right person, what I can continue learning about myself in order to continue growing.

• Regular doctor visits: I’m realizing at 40 my body isn’t springy so I need to be better at regularly seeing medical professionals – get my annual physical, continue with me dental upkeep, optometrist check-ins, etc.

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On Wednesday, January 5, 2025, I planned a trip to Hickory to pick up my father and take him to lunch. With our family’s hectic schedule, I hadn’t been able to spend any meaningful time with him in weeks, so I was looking forward to catching up. Of course, as is tradition, I also planned … Continue reading Should It Stay or Go? A POTA Activation with the Ten-Tec Argonaut V →

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful to have made it to PS safely, for this wonderful new job that I have that is fun and fulfilling. I’m grateful that we are moving somewhere safe so soon. I’m grateful for AA, for my friends, my family, coffee. I’m grateful for a really good night’s sleep, for a mountain view, for being in California for the first time EVER which is absolutely a gift of sobriety.

Gooood morning my friends (: As always, hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! 

Today I am writing to you once again technically on Sunday from the sky as I fly from New York to California for work. A few things as it pertains to air travel – first getting myself on the plane takes so much prayer and energy. The actual act of taking off and feeling the wheels leave the ground makes me feel so out of control that I want to vomit. 

That said, once you are 10,000 ft in the air or however high they take you – it is quite peaceful. If the WiFi works that’s great and you can get a ton of stuff done uninterrupted but it is also just so quiet. You get snacks. You can read or sleep or sail across the sky and just be. I miss my boys SO MUCH back at home but I cannot lie it is nice to have nothing to do but just sit here for 5+ hours. 

Also as I travel across the country I feel like I’m time traveling. My phone updates the time as we go so it was 12 and then it was 11 and now that I’m on my laptop (which I purposely like to keep EST) it is 1:30 again! 

Anyway I didn’t come here to chat exclusively about air travel but I WAS using my 5+ hours of free time to reflect and think about what I wanted to write. 

As you all know it has been chaotically chaotic lately and I’d just like to share about how I haven’t had a drink or a drug during any of it. There may have been times here and there where I thought about it and let me be clear. The above sentence certainly DOES NOT mean I am immune to the potential of picking up a drink tomorrow. But over the past few weeks I felt like everything crumbled and then piece by piece we have and still are putting it all back together again. 

So it is possible through chaos and trauma and heart ache and paralyzing fear – through joy and transitions and change to NOT drink or drug. It is possible with the fellowship, our sponsors, the book, prayer, our friends, our family, or partners. Whatever it is for you that keeps you from drinking that is all you’ll ever need. At the end of the day there truly isn’t anything so bad that a drink won’t make worse and I am SO grateful that I haven’t picked up. 

Because then how could I be a good dog mom, girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend. How can I pick us up and so quickly get us out of this hell hole if I am drinking? How could I show up for this new job and fly across the country to see my colleagues in person for the first time if I was drinking.

So yeah it’s been pretty shitty man. But not as shitty as it would be if I picked up a drink. And really amazing things are on the horizon. Things that I would not be able to have or appreciate if I was drinking. 

So the moral of my story today is you can do it sober. Whatever it is that’s in front of you, whatever it is that may come up and surprise you, whatever it is that may make you have to uproot and grow and change and be strong and have courage. You can absolutely & most definitely do it sober. 

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xx 

Jane

Many thanks to Bob (K7ZB) for sharing the following update to his recent post, “Experimenting with Low Voltage on the (tr)uSDX.” Bob writes: Hi Tom, I think I just found out why my (tr)uSDX gave me receive problems when using a 6V lantern battery plugged into the radio in the 2.1mm power input. In the … Continue reading Bob Discovers the Cause of Low-Voltage Issues on the (tr)uSDX →

Seven Parks, Six Days in Utah with the KH1 by Glen (KC8LA) In November 2023, the YL had the chance to go to Salt Lake City to collaborate with professional genealogists at the Family Search Library to assist with her family tree. It proved to be a very productive week for her, filled with tips, … Continue reading Glen Explores Utah with the KH1: Seven Parks in Six Days →

I’m grateful for a chance to be myself—all day long. I’m grateful for a quiet , gray morning. I’m grateful to see a certain adorable baby again soon. I’m grateful for love and peace and tiny little hands. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

Many thanks to Dale (N3HXZ), who writes: “It would be nice to hear from your listeners/subscribers about which is the most robust paddle! I have not met a paddle yet that has not failed in the field at some point. Thanks for all your good work.” This is a great question. I feel that almost … Continue reading The Toughest CW Paddles for Field Use: What’s Your Pick? →

I’m grateful for a sunny Friday morning and for nearing the end of February. I’m grateful for reminders and lessons. I’m grateful for watching the sunrise, drinking coffee and knowing I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m grateful for seeing what is. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

I think you’d be proud of me this week. Not that I’ve done anything particularly noteworthy. It’s that I had an idea for the song of the week all the way last weekend and despite the many siren calls of other great songs that were clamoring for song of the week status in my head, I stayed true. Even this morning, as I was sitting quietly, drinking that first nearly-perfect first cup of coffee and letting my mind drift where it will, all of these other songs presented themselves, like matches on a musical dating app, and you know what?

I swiped left.

This was the first Steely Dan song I heard. I’m pretty sure it was in the way-back of my dad’s robin’s egg blue Ford station wagon and we were on the way to visit relatives in Minnesota. I’m not sure how it came to pass that the radio was set to something more “contemporary” than the usual horrific easy listening stuff that came dripping out of the radio and was unfortunately favored by the denizens of the front seats—my parents. But “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” started playing and made a pretty indelible impression on me.

Like most Steely Dan songs, I have no real idea what it’s about. Clearly, a relationship has ended, some people think prematurely, others seem to have just left.1Donald Fagen is imploring Rikki, don’t lose my number, don’t call anyone else, you’ll want this later, trust me, when you’re feeling better. Here’s I’m going to mail my number to you, so that you have it when you come to your senses.

This 6th Grader recognized the song was mostly about desperation and he always kind of vibed with that feeling—so, the lack of clarity in the story line didn’t get in the way of me really, really liking this song. Despite the weird stuff about “Slow Hand Road,” and friends in town who “have heard your name,” and “we could stay inside and play games,” this song just fit my evolving worldview. I knew there would come a day when these words, sung so desperately and plaintively, would speak for me, too:

You tell yourself you’re not my kind, 
but you don’t even know your mind, 
and you could have a change of heart

I started acquiring Steely Dan albums in high school and the post-Watergate, cynical, everything is f***ed-up so who cares attitude, was right in my sweet spot. It didn’t bother that the songs didn’t make too much sense, they hit the right notes and the fragments of weird lyrics were startlingly apposite at really interesting times. This song, became the “Lucky Song of 1977,”

This music has a lot of strange juju for me. Like I said, I don’t know what any of it means, I just love it when “Peg” comes on and I hear that drum part, at like 13 seconds in—pow, pow, pow and then the Donald Fagen whiny, nasally, very New York-y voice with the open-ended vowels at the end of words

“I’ve seen your picture, your name in lights above it, this is your big debut, like a dream come true”

I literally get goosebumps when I hear that. I walked around Iowa City, during my high school years and listened to a lot of Steely Dan. I loved all of those weird, sad, kind of calmly catastrophic songs like “Haitian Divorce,” “Bad Sneakers” and “Doctor Wu,” they comprised this fictional world I kind of inhabited, I was the “Midnight Cruiser,” the simp in “Dirty Work,” except that I really didn’t know what any of it meant.2

Steely Dan was a big part of the romantic view I began to develop around the idea of one day living in New York. I imagined myself bumming around the avenues in a pair of beat-up sneakers, living this life of vague regret with a matching, defensive very cynical point of view. And now, I’m actually living that teenage vision of my own life.

I say this over and over, mostly to convince myself, recovery for me was less about battling a disease, it was more about finding what was lost. Lost is actually a generous way to say it; I was trying to find what I gave away way too cheaply a long, long time ago:

Myself.

I gave myself away to the false belief that I needed to be something other than what I was. I gave myself away to the idea that people would prefer a different version of me, same hair and smile, but a very different personality and a proclivity for clever but senseless stunts. We all do this as we grow up, try on different personalities, different ways of being and looking at the world. It’s a little like playing dress-up until you notice the the clothes fit a little too well.

I knew I was giving myself away that night at Magoo’s way back in 1981, when I realized the drinking version of me was now driving the car and he didn’t look like he needed a snack break anytime soon. That was the thing that gnawed at me, that made me feel so lost, so far away and so powerless to change the things that were so obviously destroying my life.

Why can’t you stop? I was asked that question over and over and over. Mostly by myself. I didn’t have an answer then, it was just simply impossible. I now realize that it was impossible because the version of myself that was in operation was built around lies and drinking; that version simply could not exist in a sober world. My many attempts at sobriety back then resembled what happens in a bathtub when one holds a toy duck underwater. It’s possible to hold the duck under for quite a while, but as soon as you relax a little, or lose your grip, the duck comes shooting to the surface with that maniacal duck grin.

And you knew it was going to happen all along.

My many attempts at sobriety were largely efforts at pantomime; I was acting out a part, not actually changing. I played the role of the recovered alcoholic, usually with about 18 months of sobriety, for about ten years. I fooled a lot of people. I hurt a lot of people. The person who was always at the bottom of the heap?

Myself.

I would like to tell you that I got sober and was finally able to stop drinking because I made all of these really insightful realizations and made a super courageous decision to change my life. The truth is, I got sober and stopped drinking because I simply ran out of options. That’s how the Universe works for me. I get lots and lots of very clear signals, lots of chances to exit the highway of doom that I love traversing at high speed, I hear the warnings, but never, ever, do I heed the warnings.

The Universe doesn’t get all prickly, it works on me by simply narrowing my options. In much the same way as Seminole tribe alligator traps worked, I swam right in and then found I could not just swim out. I had no options left. I think that’s one definition of “rock bottom.” The other might be this:

The realization that you are as far away from the person you were meant to be as is possible.

The journey back, the mission to find the missing Dr. Livingstone, is not easy. Remember, I didn’t just lose that person, I sent him packing and asked him to never darken my door again. He was quiet and thoughtful, had lots of crazy ideas, and very nerdy pursuits. He loved books and music and cooking and long walks on really cold days. He maybe thought he would be a writer living in New York one day, wearing corduroy sport coats and sneakers and walking around Avenue A thinking ironic thoughts.

He was too unlike everyone else, for my liking. So we cast him out and made a new version that was going to wow everyone, would excel at all of the things I really didn’t like doing and would generally just usher in a period of great success, satisfaction and fulfillment. I would make a big noise with all of the big boys. The issue was that this version of me required fairly significant infusions of alcohol on a pretty regular basis. Also, it wasn’t me and being something else, someone else, made me very, very, very unhappy. Like I had no center, no core, no real truth—except for all of that sauvignon blanc sloshing around in there.

Once the Universe had stripped enough away, had limited my options, I began to see a little more clearly. What I saw was that I had done a pretty effective job of losing just about everyone and everything that had mattered to me. I was very alone. It was the summer of 2020 and my world had really pretty much come to an end. Another relationship disaster, pretty much complete estrangement from my family and the pandemic-induced loss of the business enterprise I had been running left me with one question:

What the f*** was I going to do?

I listened to a very good and long-tenured friend, who said, “you did always want to live in New York.” And that was true. I had a New Yorker cover of the reading room at the Bryant Park library tacked up next to my desk in college, I consumed the New York Times (especially the Metropolitan Diary) and imagined myself as an actual New Yorker: Staring down motorists infringing on cross walks, staking out personal space on the subway, living in the worlds most glamorous and light-filled city. Walking the streets with my hands in my pockets, thinking about what I would write next.

That was the version of me that I thought was ridiculous when I was 17; the version I painstakingly hid and the version I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. The dream I was too self-conscious and too afraid to share. When I arrived here in New York on Labor Day weekend in 2020, it wasn’t a triumphal entry with cloaks being spread on the FDR as I arrived from La Guardia. I moved into a sober house on 84th Street with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts that were mostly 20 years younger than me.

I took long, long walks owing to the calendar being so completely empty. I racked up tens of thousands of steps traversing the streets of my new city of residence. I made a surprising discovery: I started to find myself as I explored this place I had never lived. My Saturdays turned into long jaunts of exploring used bookstores and record shops looking for overlooked gems, afternoons of aimlessly walking and finding amazing and unique treasures along the way. I found umbrellas and umbrella stands, cool books, music I had always loved, thoughtful, kind, amazing people who showed up to move me from point to point. But the most amazing discovery:

Myself.

I found him one Saturday afternoon headed to Generation Records, always on the lookout for the real hard to find gems: The Cars first album, London Calling, Kenny Burrell playing “The Man I Love,” Bill Evans playing “My Foolish Heart.” He was wearing jeans and an old beat-up pair of black puma sneakers that you can’t get anymore and are just too cool to let go. He was blasting music right into his brain via the airpods, had a friendly smile for just about everyone (except don’t f*** with him on the subway or walk slow in front of him).

I came home to my beautiful apartment, maybe the first place I’ve lived that was really me, all me. I unloaded the bounty from the Farmers Market and the books from the Strand and the boxed set of Mozart operas I had stolen for only $20 from the lovely people at Academy Music. I realized, on that Saturday, even though I was very much alone, and didn’t have any plans, that I didn’t mind. Actually, it was way stronger than “didn’t mind.” I realized then that I spent a day by myself, being myself for the benefit of no one but myself.

That sounds selfish—but it’s different. I think it’s actually called acceptance. You see, the person I fought the longest, the person I waged the hardest campaign against, was me. As long as I didn’t see or realize that, well, the odds of getting sober were pretty f***ing long.

I finally accepted myself. That’s what finally made the difference. When my ability to be an improved, swankier, wine-fueled version of myself finally crashed and burned, as I had always known it would, I was left alone with the person who actually had the answer.

Myself.

And the startling answer was: Be Myself. When people read the “Acceptance” passage in the Big Book (p. 417), the most common assumption is that this is about our relations with other people; that our relationships with other people need to be amended so as to allow for sobriety to take root and grow. For this alcoholic, it was the relationship with myself that first needed mending. I could not be happy until I accepted that I had been placed exactly where I was supposed to be. I could not be happy until I accepted myself.

I’ve had lots of nice perches in my life, but maybe only one home. It’s here, watching the sun come up over the East River, watching my beloved young hawk take up residence high above 88th Street, donning the beloved black sneakers on Saturdays and spending the day bopping around the city I love so much. There are lots of romantic cities; people fly off to places like Paris to get engaged and find everlasting love. I’m not sure I’ve loved living in a place as much as I love living here. It’s not the chinese food, or the fabulous restaurants or all the excitement and glitz and glamor. It’s what I discovered, walking around some kind of dirty streets in old sneakers and listening to old Steely Dan songs that no one else even knows anymore:

Myself.

Happy Friday.

February has been a whirlwind of a month. Between juggling projects and my daughters’ incredibly busy senior year of high school, free time has been in short supply. That said, I’ve made it a goal (for the sake of my own sanity—ha!) to squeeze in as much radio time as possible. Super Portable POTA Before … Continue reading Time Crunch: A QRP POTA Activation Challenge and Impromptu Two-Fer! →