It’s a question as old as time itself: “What radio should I take on vacation?” This month, we’re heading out for a short vacation, and while I think I’ve already answered this question for myself, it’s always fun to explore the possibilities a bit further. As you probably know, I’ve accumulated a fair number of … Continue reading The Eternal Question: Which Radio Should I Pack? →

I’m grateful for cozy Christmas home tours because they inspire inventive decor ideas and also make me feel like a part of the Season even more. I’m grateful for my car’s annual service checkup going smoothly. I’m grateful to have the mental capacity and financial means to take care of things like this because in the depths of my alcoholism such seemingly basic adult tasks were uphill battles. I’m grateful for a beautiful early run in the park where, as the sun rose, it made the fresh snow on the ground and tree branches glisten like millions of tiny white crystals. I’m grateful for the winter clothing I have that enables me to be outdoors comfortably. I’m grateful for a new antique shop I popped into where I found some cool, old-school arithmetic and comic books. I’m grateful for a meeting focused on how we manage through the Holidays, especially getting to hear the powerful perspectives from newcomers. I’m grateful loneliness is not unique to me, which is also a good reminder to not dwell in self-pity. I’m grateful for Harper’s “Bambi-hop” while we play catch – seeing it is an adrenaline shot of happiness straight to my heart.

I’ve been on a bit of a buying spree recently. Most of it is for stuff to make our new(ish) Denver home comfortable, cozy, and utilitarian. The Holiday Season is also influencing me with the myriad of deals that entice me to splurge more than usual. While I wouldn’t categorize my behavior as a major problem, the spike in expenditure is nudging me to take a few beats to ask “Why?”.

The initial fleshed-out question that comes to mind is what purpose does buying stuff serve? Some of it is truly necessary to make our home better: boxes to hide the chaotic wires, entryway hooks for our winter coats, lamps to improve dimly lit areas. Some of it is blatant splurging: artwork for already well-covered walls, another armchair in the office, another vintage book to add to my side table collection. Both purchase categories for me fit into the bucket of “self-care”, which was such a foreign concept for a long while. I don’t think it was ever part of my vernacular except when it came to ensuring my supply of vodka was constant. Towards the end of my drinking, when nobody wanted me in their homes, I was simply moving from apartment to apartment lugging a few drab possessions, mostly worn out clothes and for whatever reason a small office filing cabinet. Due to where I was only a few years ago, I think that’s how I justify my increased spending spree. An investment in stuff is an investment in me like never before.

However AA’s emphasis on regular internal reflection has helped me look at my recent actions more honestly, more like an objective third-party observer. To inhabit that role, I have to start by reminding myself that whatever the potential misstep, valid or not, I must be kind to myself, I must veer away from excessive self-chastising, which is a recurring tendency of mine. After I embrace a gentler mindset, I can search for the root causes of my behavior.

Looking at my past, specifically my drinking, I can safely say my shopping endeavors don’t fall into the addiction bucket. I am not harming my bank account to a noticeable extent. I am not harming those around me. I am not making our home unlivable through hoarding. Yet I do feel slightly on edge because I see my mind making logic leaps like, “If you just purchase that cute little footstool, it’ll make our home all the more complete and therefore you slightly more content”. Without vodka in my system, I recognize the dangers of this thinking and it immediately reminds me of a common AA saying: recovery is an inside job. It’s a catchy turn of phrase that encourages me to look within. When my actions showcase I might be using external people/places/things to derive peace that’s when a mental red flag is raised.

But hold on a second. I can find another justification for my purchases beyond the aforementioned “self-care” rationale. I’ve actually found a new passion: interior design. Not to be braggadocious, but I’ve garnered an aesthetic sensibility that certain people find pleasing based on unsolicited feedback. That said, I have to question when does a passion become an addiction? Am I justifying these purchases by telling myself, “Oh, you’re building your skillset by ordering that footstool”. To a degree I am nurturing a passion, but it can segue into tricky territory. I don’t want to get to the place where I even come close to pushing my boundaries. I recognize I am currently acting on impulses, on those quick dopamine rushes, when emptying my checkout cart.

So after all this rumination and diagnosing what is the solution? I mean ultimately I’ll take me being a lightweight shopaholic over being an expert alcoholic any day of the week. It’s certainly less toxic. As stated earlier, gaining true satisfaction, true healing, is always an inside job. I have to tap frequently into my spiritual connection with my Higher Power to feel whole. I have to practice PAUSE (Postpone Action Until Serenity Enters) before hitting the ‘Complete Purchase’ button. I have to step away from perusing online stores and engage in other, more meaningful activities – attending a meeting, going for a run, focusing on service/volunteer work, utilizing my interior design eye to help somebody else build their home, diversifying my interests/hobbies (painting and knitting rank high at the moment). For now though awareness of the “shopping issue”, reflection on the “shopping issue”, and incremental course corrections are what seem necessary. Should I start spending to the detriment of my credit, feel like I’m becoming a storage facility, or creating a less comfortable home environment then the real intervention may need to happen.

Frankly the fact that I can do the above analysis is a miracle. During my alcoholism I operated purely on instinct. Whatever felt right that instant, whatever would get me the quick resolution, I’d do it and maybe deal with the consequences down the road. There is much more deliberation now. It’s a testament to absorbing what I’ve learnt in AA and translating it into thoughtful action. That action is shifting my focus on developing a strong spiritual backbone to attain true, lasting peace. Because of this change I know, at least for today, I’ll shy away from purchasing that cute little footstool.

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Many thanks to David (K2WNW) and Pete Polanyk, who share this brilliant documentary from the BBC World Service: Morse code: Ready to transmit The Documentary Podcast At the world Morse Code championships in Tunisia, competitors must battle to be the fastest and most accurate at sending and receiving Morse code. https://open.live.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/6/redir/version/2.0/mediaset/audio-nondrm-download/proto/https/vpid/p0k8y5rz.mp3

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for the holidays coming up, for 3 years on the horizon and for my friends. I’m grateful for my family, my pup, for my service commitments and for AA. I’m grateful for the $62 printer I bought clearly on sale, for my sponsor, for coffee, for heat when it’s cold and AC when it’s hot. I’m grateful for the sober life I have, for all the lessons I’ve learned and all the lessons I continue to learn.

Goooooodd morning my fellows!

As.per.us.u.al!!! I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you are feeling rested and rejuvenated for the week ahead. For all my friends who just have to make it two more weeks & then we get holiday break – we got this.

I chatted with our very own T.B.D last night and we were talking about just different ways to spruce up my writing and one thing that came up was going back into my older posts and seeing what’s changed. Given the yearlong funk I’ve been in I figured that would not only do wonders for today’s post, but also my brain.

So, I went back and naturally wanted to see what I wrote a year ago today. Well, I didn’t write on December 9^thlast year, but I DID find this post:

https://substack.com/@misssoberjane/p-139427918

which was on the 4^th so close enough. When I tell you I read that and genuinely thought to myself, who even IS that person. That person obviously was me but clearly in a much better headspace. Someone who believed I was worthy, who believed I was capable and valid and was SO excited over flowering Aloe (that still is pretty cool btw).

Today, I’m not feeling so capable and valid although I have upgraded caring for plants to caring for a dog who I do believe is very happy to have a mom and dad who love him so much.

I talk about God in that post in a way that I have forgotten. I can feel the trust that somehow, I have lost. I can’t pinpoint exactly when things started to change but oh my goodness that post what honestly weird to read.

Weird because I want to be that person again. Weird because a neighbor JUST told me it’s nice to see someone so positive in the morning…who, me?!?! Yes, apparently me and a perfect example is that post which is SO positive.

This line in particular is what I need to remember these days – ‘I am angry, and I have asked God for help, I am sad and I have asked God for help. I have never given up on myself or helping others and all of those things make me plenty worthy.’

I haven’t been asking God for help. I have forgotten that the most important thing I have ever done and will ever do is get sober. How much does the rest really matter if I am not sober?

How much does it matter if I am successful at work if I am not sober? How much does it matter if I am not helping another sober person? Doing service? How much does it all really matter if I am not doing the things that make me happy in the place that makes me happy?

The silly little social media posts will continue with or without me but none of it matters if I am not sober. If I am not finding that feeling of being capable, worthy and valid again.

So that’s what I am going to do today. No matter what happens I am going to remember that God is always there, that I am worthy and that I am capable because the hardest thing I ever had to do was get sober. If I can do that, I can very legitimately do…anything else.

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Xx

Jane

Activating on the Road:  Stealth Activating with the AX1 Antenna System by Brian (K3ES) As I prepared my radio gear to do Parks on the Air (POTA) activations across the states of the American West (Six Weeks and 7300 Miles:  Activating on the Road), I knew that I would need to operate in a wide … Continue reading K3ES: Stealth Activating with the AX1 Antenna System →

I’ve received eight messages from people who would like to give a special ham radio person—their spouse, partner, parent, child, or friend—a gift but don’t know what. I get these messages every year, and while I’m typically busy in December, I enjoy answering them because it means that I can take a gift decision in … Continue reading Affordable, Last-Minute Quality Gifts for the Field Radio Enthusiast in Your Life →

I’m grateful for a relaxing day. I’m grateful for a trip to the farmers market. I’m grateful for all of the cooking. I’m grateful for what I can do. I’m grateful for occasional flashes of brilliance. I’m grateful for dark mornings and coffee. I’m grateful for Mozart on the turntable. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

By Teri KO4WFP Last December, I set a goal of 60 new Parks on the Air (POTA) valid activations by the end of the 2024. When I sat down to calculate this goal last December, I figured one park a week was easily attainable. In fact, in my article about Jack Hill State Park, I … Continue reading The POTA Babe Reflects On Her Goal →

I’m grateful for another Friday morning. I’m grateful for a busy week and a sunny morning. I’m grateful for knowing what’s next will be ok. I’m grateful for mistakes and learning new things. I’m grateful for where I am. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

Well, the long version or the short version? I had another song picked and it was going to lead to this kind of sappy, romantic, sad story from the olden days and it would include an adorable picture of my beloved dog Moose and it would be one of those elegies to the things I lost on account of alcoholism. Then I spied this song on the playlist and here we are.

If this matters to you, we can say that the “She” in the song refers to drinking or using or whatever and how “she” has ruined our life. Making that substitution gives some recovery zoomph to the line:

“Trust, She F****** hates me.”

I very much appreciate the accelerated nature of the relationship being described in the song and the brevity of the relationship:

She was queen, for about an hour, after that, shit got sour

What does this have to do with recovery or really anything? Nothing. But this song consistently makes me smile when it plays, and that means quite a bit to me. Speaking of things that mean quite a bit to me:

My birthday/Thanksgiving train ride to Boston (on a rainy day, no less) unleashed a torrent of gratitude. A few years of doing this have hardened me to dispensing gratitude 140 characters at a time, so it felt good to let loose. Also, I will say this, developing a sense of gratitude is probably the single most important element of my recovery.

Recovery from addiction is a pretty complicated cake, with a ton of very finicky ingredients. While all of the ingredients are important, you can’t make the recovery cake without gratitude, lots of it. Why?

Developing a sense of gratitude literally turned my world upside down, the things that hurt me, that made me sad or lonely, actually turned into learning. Gratitude turned those little tragedies into springboards to the next chapter. You can try this at home: Think of something that really upset you, hurt you or angered you. Now, think of one reason to be grateful for whatever that was.

This isn’t about being a doormat to fate or being happy with whatever crumbs fall from the table. This is about seeing that there are specks of beauty and joy in every tragedy. When worlds break apart, they always come back together again. We know this because of the teachings of the wise Steely Dan. While one can be focused on the breaking apart of said world, it is the coming back together again that forms the purpose and maybe even the miracle of that event. Things can’t begin again without endings and endings require beginnings.

I maybe started with the most advanced form of gratitude: The appreciation of shit that we really didn’t want to happen. This is not some faux expression of thankfulness, like the kind one might reserve for a Christmas gift from an ex-wife. Hypothetically. This is actually about finding the nugget of gold in the pile of shit. Because there is one.

I don’t know that I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that it is possible to extract meaning and purpose from the things that happen to me. From the things I didn’t want to happen. I think that is how gratitude transformed me, it helped me find the meaning in my life and helped me see the path that was there for me, if I wanted to walk it.

My recovery has not been about stopping my drinking, it’s been about changing my thinking. Gratitude has been a critical element in that process. Self-understanding and self-acceptance have also been critical parts of the equation and are connected to gratitude. I’m coming to see that drinking/using is really just an adaptation that works way too well for some of us.

My nights are often spent dozing while a series of YouTube videos play. If lucid dreaming is being slightly cognizant of the fact that one is dreaming, then I’ve been lucid-dreaming for quite a while. Unfortunately, my lucid dreams often feature things like trips to the CVS or conversations about how expensive the diner is. Anyway, these videos play in the background and sometimes I wake up to great revelations. This is a video that I found revelatory:

Put aside the headline, the gist of this is that it appears that childhood trauma (and this doesn’t need to be extreme, remember it’s things that happened to a child, so things that seem small today weren’t so small back then) can alter brain development and the way and the amount of dopamine and other brain chemicals are produced. These people, who have deficient dopamine processes develop ADHD at staggering rates, also addictions.

I’m coming to believe that I’ve suffered from an undiagnosed case of ADHD for most of my life. When I look at the list of symptoms, I see myself. I look at my daily work routines and it’s basically an intricate series of dopamine pit stops, designed to produce enough stimulus, enough motivation, to put my head down and focus for another interval. These behaviors, and I think we all have our own, are like brain hacks, designed to produce the chemical reaction that helps us move from Point A to Point B.

I speak, not as a scientist or doctor, but as a recovering alcoholic who tried the very best of the available treatments for more than ten years and to no avail. Why those methods fail, and they largely do, is another topic for another day; long term sobriety rates coming out of rehab still hover around 5%. I think addiction is another example of a dopamine-deficient brain hack—the problem is that it is startlingly effective in people with a certain kind of brain chemistry.

I talk about my white light moment beside Deak Rummelhart’s trampoline in 1979, it was real. The explosion of brain chemicals in my head was revelatory. You non-alcoholics don’t get that, can’t get that, because that’s not how it works for you. Sure, everyone gets that euphoric effect, the folks who get addicted are the ones who have brains that don’t produce enough of the right mix of chemicals. We addicts learn to use our substances, even the anticipation of using them, as tools to manage our emotional states.

Like the saying goes, alcohol works for alcoholics.

We’re like chemists. We know the dosage and the intervals. I knew that third glass of Sauvignon Blanc was where the magic was hidden. I got panicky when I faced long stretches of activities that I couldn’t moderate with drinking. I didn’t drink because it was fun or enjoyable, I drank because that’s what kept the plates spinning. When things got really bad, like in 2018, I would literally slide into withdrawal after about four hours with no drinking.

Withdrawal is a hideous thing and it used to happen a couple of times a day for me. One of the worst feelings is the sense of just coming apart. I can’t really describe it, but it is a feeling of hopelessness and despair and dread and it just literally feels like I was going to break apart at the seams, like I couldn’t bear another second. I don’t even know what that means, just how it felt. I knew the early onset signs and took them seriously—I headed for a bar immediately to ward off the evil spirits with some of Kim Crawford’s.

Not an effective treatment. Also not effective: Pointing out the cost of my addiction, pointing out how I hurt my loved ones, telling me I need to make better choices, giving me cards that outline the relapse process, etc. I literally needed to change my thinking, and since our “thinking” is an electro-chemical process, that meant addressing the electro-chemical aspects of my addiction. Except no one does that.

Here’s my next leap (please remember, I have no actual scientific evidence of this), the Big Book’sself-improvement exercises (or you can call them “Steps”) somehow work to alter brain chemistry. I think this is how all self-improvement and therapy work, by finding new ways to “think” about things, we slowly discover new ways of managing the complex electro-chemical system that is our brain. “Thoughts” and “feelings” are bursts of matter that can be generated or altered. My 16 year-old brain hack became semi-permanent. The thing that made me feel so connected and so the person I wanted to be at that moment, was simply a very powerful burst of electro-chemical happiness. The problem is that it worked so well, I wore quite a deep trail in my brain to that spring of happiness. Soon, every emotion or feeling required management by alcohol. The more I drank, the more I needed to drink.

Interrupting that cycle is very, very, very difficult. I spent decades in that cycle, not always aware that there even was such a cycle. I’m a Big Book thumper for one reason:

It worked.

It worked when nothing else did. Is it the only thing that can work? Probably not. But it works and you can test this by going to a random AA meeting anywhere in the world. You will meet at least one person at that meeting for whom working the Steps outlined in the Big Book produced long-term sobriety. The first guy I met at rehab, in the detox center, was there for the sixth time and what he had to share with me was this:

They never search your socks, dude.

I believe that “changing one’s thinking” changes the mix of brain chemicals. That’s why long term changes in “thinking” can produce such deep satisfaction and even happiness, it’s a complete re-calibration of the brain. That’s also why there is so much personal upheaval, because literally everything is changing. The world feels like it is moving under your feet. That feels terrible for a while, but is actually the most beautiful thing. Trust me on this.

I don’t often make recommendations about things to watch, I have pretty specific and maybe off-beat tastes, but I started watching this show and loved it:

It’s basically the story of an older guy trying something new and kind of crazy and accidentally changing his life. For some reason that resonates very deeply with me. There’s a line in one of later episodes, where the Ted Danson character is talking to the director of the facility and expressing sadness and dislocation, thinks maybe things aren’t going to work out and she looks at him and says:

I have one tiny quibble with that. It’s actually called courage. Courage is being true to yourself, accepting yourself and letting your heart guide you through life. It’s not a warlike mien, this kind of courage. It’s quiet and flows through me with the constant reminder that I am where I’m supposed to be, that I can do what I need to and that things will be okay in the end. It’s possible that goes by another name: Happiness. It’s also what we alcoholics and addicts pray for over and over again:

The courage to change the things we can.

Happy Friday.

On Friday, November 15, 2024, a window of opportunity opened up for me to fit in a POTA activation—and I couldn’t be happier I took it! Life in Swannanoa is gradually normalizing after Hurricane Helene, but free time remains scarce. I imagine my neighbors would echo this sentiment, especially since so many of our local … Continue reading Turning Half a Watt and the Tiny AX1 Antenna into a Proper POTA Adventure! →