I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for my family, for time out of the city, for rest and for sunshine. I’m grateful for AA, the lessons it’s taught me, the basic tools I am always using. I’m grateful for opportunities for growth, for learning, for coffee and for the birds that are always chirping.
Gooood morning my friends (: As per usual, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and is feeling ready for the fresh week ahead!
I have been feeling super down lately, very much so not myself and that’s just about all I’d like to write today.
It’s been a super just overwhelming past few months and I keep trying to pull myself back up but I’m just sad, I guess. My birthday is on Wednesday and before anyone gives me shit – I know that 25 is not over the hill and I am plenty young, but I am five years away from 30 and that’s weird. Sometimes I feel like I’m still 16 and other times I feel like I’m 45 so 25 is just feeling weird.
I have said this probably a million times but your 20s are hard. Your 20’s and sobriety are harder. Sometimes I don’t know who I am and other’s I couldn’t be more confident. Sometimes I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and others, I feel so lost.
And everyone is always like ‘your 30’s everything will come together’, ‘It’ll all make sense and fall into place’ and that’s cute and fun and exciting to believe in but in this very current moment when the walls feel like they are caving in – it’s not all that helpful.
Right now, I can go to a meeting for an hour and feel so good and immediately after be sad again. There has been so much change honestly in this past year and it’s all been great but maybe it’s all catching up to me. Maybe things aren’t done changing and that scares me. It’s hard to ride the wave when the wave is a low one.
The good news is I don’t want to drink. I saw a billboard for a beer I used to drink and for a millisecond I was like oh that would be nice. My next thought was I should call my sponsor and by the time that thought passed the beer wasn’t so appealing anymore.
I am sad and confused and scared but I don’t want to drink and that’s about all I can ask for as a 25-year-old (almost) sober person.
So, I know it will get better. It has a million times before this. I’d just love if it got better sooner rather than later because I don’t want to be so sad anymore.
Xx
Jane
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