I’m grateful for the weather being slightly cooler during my morning run. I’m grateful for podcasts that help me think critically of the world around me. I’m grateful for quick afternoon storms that lower the heat considerably and remind me of summer weather in Ahmedabad. I’m grateful my NYC zoom meeting has survived despite people moving to different places or being in very different phases of their life. I’m grateful for our beautiful, cozy home and the joy it brings us being here. I’m grateful for a meeting where people reinforced service + sponsorship as a crucial means to enlarge their spiritual experience. I’m grateful for deepening connections with fellows and how that teaches me new things about being in this Program.

I watched Inside Out 2 this past weekend. It’s a sequel to one of my favorite Pixar films, Inside Out from 2015, and the plot revolves around the emotions inside a young girl’s head as the main cast of characters. There’s Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness as the original 5 and then a whole bunch were introduced in the second film, the most important of which is Anxiety. I won’t spoil the film except to say that it is definitely worth checking out as the story has layers adults can deeply appreciate.

That being said I did want to reflect on Anxiety as a topic. It was a crucial component of my drinking career. Healthy doses of Anxiety nowadays do drive positive outcomes for me thanks to being able to fall back on a framework like the 12 Steps. However before any design for living was introduced into my life I operated in a very binary, black or white, fashion. If I was anxious, no matter the level I was at, I needed a swig of vodka to dull the feeling. Just a little I said to myself, not a whole lot. The problem became I was feeling anxious, or any variety of emotions, a whole lot throughout the day. Those swigs began happening in quicker succession and turned into crutches to numb everything. It was no longer about taking the edge off, it was about having no edges whatsoever, which isn’t possible for a human trying to sustainably get through a day.

My problem with alcohol is that it exacerbates whatever emotion I’m feeling so I only think and feel in extremes. Anxiety was huge for me during these dark times. I was always a naturally anxious person even pre-alcholism. I developed core, toxic beliefs about myself that were incredibly hard to dismantle: I wasn’t socially cool enough at functions to make friends, I wasn’t good looking enough to attract others, I wasn’t smart enough to provide the lightbulb idea that would blow everyone away at work, etc. I let go of any positive views of myself and the ones I sorta acknowledged I minimized their value considerably. As a result of not having a healthy sense of self, I let Anxiety take the wheel. I let that emotion future-trip on all the bad things that were going to happen because look at how many bad things exist in my life now. I solidified in my head, without putting up a fight, that there’s no way I can change the narrative. I embraced misery as my sole state of being…forever. Given this low starting point, I believed when it came to the vodka why on earth stop? Why stop drinking when that’s the only thing that could melt away those negative ruminations? Why stop drinking when, at least for a little bit, I do feel an iota of (delusional) self-esteem in an inebriated state? Why stop drinking because I’m already worthless?

That Anxiety spiral is hard to escape. It is very very hard. Just as I cannot exactly explain why I finally took to AA, I cannot explain why Anxiety is no longer a dominant player in my life. A few years ago I had a sliver of respite during one of my worst bottoms. My lucky break was being introduced to a sober home that provided a gentle on-ramp into this Program. After that positive, informative start, Time somehow managed to accumulate and  – most importantly – I remained disciplined about practicing the 12 Steps. Practicing them in whatever ways that ensured I live a balanced life. I didn’t push to get addicted to service. I didn’t push to get addicted to meetings. I didn’t push to get addicted to a certain way of doing the Program. I simply listened, read, and A/B tested various healthy sober concepts that were suggested to me. I determined which worked for me in the moment and which I should shelve for later use when my current rotation of practices became less impactful.

Luckily for me I’m one of the alcoholics whose obsession over wanting a drink has nearly disappeared. Very rarely am I thinking about alcohol except when I occasionally pass a liquor store or see an empty chaser on the ground and think, “Oh that’s there, glad it’s not a trigger”. However that doesn’t mean my alcoholic tendencies don’t regularly resurface. I’m defensive, I’m petty, I’m covetous of control, and so many other defective thoughts on a recurring basis. When I get these thoughts I know that Anxiety isn’t far off from wanting to steer my life. What’s different today is that I recognize that emotion’s desire to be unleashed and I don’t actively squash it. I observe it. I welcome its presence into my mind and ask, “Why?“. Why are you here and how can we calmly coexist? What are your roots? What can I learn from you? Let me deconstruct what is at the core here. Not being instantly petrified by a feeling, but rather giving it grace, allows me to mitigate its power to overwhelm. By having this dialogue in my mind I use the wisdom I’ve interpreted from the 12 Steps as the filter through which I couple a deflatedversion of my Anxiety with whatever healthy, sober action I need to take (or not take) in the physical world.

Of course I’d love to say I go through the above thought processes all the time. I definitely do not, but it is becoming a more innate, recurring practice with each day I’m sober and close to AA. I have the gentle, healing language of sobriety omnipresent in my head to ensure that every instance where Anxiety wants to push me into some type of subpar action, I pause and listen to all the parts of my mind – Joy, Anger, Fear, Sadness, etc. – before making the next sober move.

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