I am so grateful to be sober. I’m grateful for a nice birthday, for time away, for being honest, for seeking help, for having tools, and for feeling hope. I am grateful for my friends and for my family. I’m grateful for change, new beginnings, having support and faith. I’m grateful for coffee, for quiet mornings, for the weather being a little cooler & for lots of outside space.

Gooood morning my friends (: As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend & are feeling as prepared as we all can for the fresh week!

I was off from work Wednesday – Friday last week and came back to more emails than I’d have liked to so I’m feeling just a littttlleee overwhelmed this morning. I also had a small breakdown over the weekend about how I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m either sad or I’m angry these days with no in between. Someone as a meeting yesterday shared about how sometimes, you can’t throw AA at all of your problems and so outside help can be and is super important.

Which made me feel much better about the therapy appointment I made on Saturday, kinda like HP was reassuring me or something (;

I’d just like to feel better, more regulated and back to what I am assuming will be a newer version of normal since lots of discomfort often leads to growth. I was thinking this morning about how I really should go back and read some of my posts from a year ago.

When we are so zoomed in it’s almost impossible to see the growth that’s already happened. I feel like my posts are always whiney and depressing with a twinge of controversial sometimes. And so maybe it would be helpful for me to go back and see the bigger picture for myself – how much has actually changed.

Would I be handling my sadness (totally unexplained sadness by the way) the same way a year ago? Probably not. I’d be throwing everything I have into AA and punishing myself for not doing it good enough because I still don’t feel better. Would I be honest about it a year ago? Probably only here because my pride would’ve gotten in the way – I didn’t want anyone to think I was failing.

So yes, the bigger picture already shows me that I am moving through this differently than ever before. The bigger picture also shows me that if I can just hang on and trust, it will get better (that hang on piece to me sounds very drastic & I’m fine I promise – I just need some extra help.).

I am hopeful that one little suggestion that – I haven’t been in therapy for almost a year & I’ve been sad for quite a while, could the two be correlated? – was HP speaking through another person & it was the push I needed to make a change. Because as they say…nothing changes if nothing changes, right?

Leave a comment

Xx

Jane