More, More, More

I’m grateful for having time to rest and allow my body to recover. I’m grateful for one last day of delicious homemade focaccia bread. I’m grateful to take the time to appreciate the little things in my life that truly add up to something extraordinary. I’m grateful to live next to such a wonderful park that brings me peace every time I do my loop around it. I’m grateful for my dog being a constant source of joy, love, and wisdom. I’m grateful to make good decisions that are based less on selfishness and more on selflessness. I’m grateful to be excited for the future without trying to future trip too much.

I find myself on a not-so-infrequent basis feeling that if I only buy X thing, attain Y achievement, or ensure Z event happens then I’ll feel happier, more fulfilled, more serene. On occasion this line of thinking is true and I do get a mental boost, but it’s temporary. The effects wear off and then I’m like “So, what’s next?”.

I’ve been better at checking myself earlier and earlier when I sense such a pattern is about to repeat for the umpteenth time. Pausing is a wonderful, first-response salve. If I operate on instinct always then chaos tends to enter the picture quickly. Letting time work its magic is critical for all of my decision-making. While I can obsess for a little bit about the item I want sitting in my Amazon cart or the exterior aesthetic updates I would love to make to my car, my mind eventually does move on. Not immediately clicking “checkout” or calling the dealership ensures my obsession transforms into something closer to objectivity, which lets me make the most pragmatic final decision.

During that mental timeout, I usually try to take inventory of what is presently good in my life. An impromptu gratitude list, which I do every evening anyways, helps pass the time constructively. Practicing gratitude in the moment allows me to quiet the covetous voice pushing me to seek more. I look at where my feet are now (metaphorically) and give thanks for whatever it is I’m happy to have already – usually health, my partner and puppy, being sober, being given the grace to have pivoted from self-destruction, etc. Reminding myself of what is in my possession, and not always of what I desire, evens out my incessant search for the next shiny thing.

When I’m embracing gratitude I’m also investing in my spiritual fitness. By humbly accepting what I have, by finding those silver linings more readily, I push away resentments from forming and allow lightness to enter my mind. A lighter mind lets me communicate more clearly with my Higher Power. Communicating with HP ensures I make healthy choice and stay secure in self. This HP connection places my issues into a broader context, reminding me there’s a whole wide world out there. Find ways to be of service, be of value to my community and not fixate on the next minute thing that may or may not bring personal fulfillment.

All the aforementioned thinking is thanks to the 12 Steps and how I work them. I have Step 4 identifying character defects like obsession, envy, and selfishness. I have Steps 6 and 7 creating paths for me to let go of these defects if I make the space for it. I have Step 11 encouraging me to stay connected to my Higher Power and get out of self. And of course I have Step 12 telling me to practice the principles of AA in all my affairs so I know even when I don’t have a drink in my hand I do have alcoholic tendencies that need to be addressed multiple times a day by using the wisdom derived from all 12 Steps.

It’s comforting to now have a process that allows me to look inwardly for validation. Before it was always external stuff that defined my worth, but never truly satiated my soul. I spent so much time trying to feed it though I forgot my who I am. I forgot what I truly valued and what I truly needed, which is how alcohol became such a welcome, overpowering companion. Today that companion is AA, it is the 12 Steps, and that has given me my self-worth back and the ability to make thoughtful choices around living a balanced, sustainable life. It lets me ask myself the question, “where are my feet today?” and answer it with a sense of contentment.

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