Sunshowers

I’m grateful for clearly seeing the mountains again during my run after last week’s forest fire cloudiness. I’m grateful for the podcasts that keep me entertained throughout the day. I’m grateful when I get genuinely excited about things and the thought of having a drink because it’ll “add to the fun” doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m grateful for anniversary meetings being such an inspirational display of how this Program works miracles. I’m grateful our move to Denver has reinvigorated my desire to go on adventures more regularly. I’m grateful for how expressions of my curiosity has expanded in sobriety. I’m grateful for people who share honestly about feeling like they’re lagging in their Program because it reminds me to stay on the beam as life ebbs and flows.

Nature is inexplicably overwhelming in the most positive ways. The beauty, the power, the majesty, the scale….too many superlatives exist for me to adequately describe how it hits. When nature does get my attention I feel more connected with my surroundings, more in communication with my Higher Power than at any other point.

Last Saturday was one such point where I felt nature’s magnificence. Leaving home for my daily run I noticed ominous clouds from the southwest moving quickly across the mountains while the sun blared strongly from the northwest. It was beautiful to see such an aerial dichotomy as I made my loops around Cheesman Park. Soon enough it started gently raining while the sun was still out, a very unusual situation that I later found out is a weather phenomenon called sunshowers.

I don’t know exactly why, but I became filled with glee. Beyond the beauty of observing the raindrops flickering like little stars in the sunshine, it was also a welcome respite from the oppressive heatwave we’ve been having here in Denver. Sure I had to watch my footing since the ground became a bit mushy, but nothing I couldn’t handle by staying alert. It was honestly just cool to see these two contrasting weather patterns blending together so harmoniously. As the sunshowers continued for longer than expected I began reflecting on metaphorical meanings for what was happening. It may seem “cheesy”, but I thought that this quasi-storm kind of represents how I feel in AA.

Life at any given moment is rarely binary. Inside me there is concurrently a storm and a bright, shiny day unfolding. As I write this post I have some scary, existential stuff looming over me. I also have some awesome, happy stuff giving me hope. Being in AA thankfully allows me to live sanely within the complexity of my existence. I can embrace my reality for what it is and not flee with the assistance of alcohol. As uncomfortable things emerge I leverage AA’s suggestions to find those silver linings. Sure the rain roughs up my sneakers and creates slippery trails, but it also cools me down, boosts my energy levels, and nourishes the plants around me. Successfully getting through tough circumstances can be reframed as me collecting evidence of my Higher Power working, thus reinforcing my need to stay sober. Since no state is ever permanent the sunshine will inevitably return. Truthfully speaking, it was probably always there. The sunshine in this scenario being the Steps, my fellows, and my service commitments. They will always exist to lift me up if I seek them out.

I may be waxing poetic here but for me witnessing this unique event became a lovely little analogy for my life in AA. When the actual sunshower eventually passed, I wrapped up my run a little wet and a little muddy, but feeling lighter and grateful for the spiritual experience.

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