I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for slow mornings and extra rest. I’m grateful for coffee, honest conversations, moments of openness, hope and for my service commitments. I’m grateful for a fresh week, for fresh air, for hope and for HP.

Gooood morning my friends (: Another Monday…hope everyone had a lovely weekend full of rest and relaxation!

So yesterday I had a series of meltdowns over…. chicken. And it’s not really about the chicken of course.

You guys know I haven’t really been feeling great for the past few months and on Friday my sponsor and I talked about changing my perspective. On Sunday my chicken meltdown really drove home why I need to change my perspective.

I’ve been so tunnel vision lately – so in fear that I’ve been throwing everything I have into making sure my fears don’t come true and definitely not turning over anything to HP (my sponsor and I also talked about how I can’t be financially agnostic or agnostic when it comes to my job meaning I can’t turn over everything else except for these things, but that’s a different post for a different day).

I can’t remember if I said it last week, but this is NOT the hardest thing I’ve had to get through. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was stop drinking and get sober. Was put down all my shit in three inventories and read it all to my sponsor. That was hard. That saved my life. But at the time I didn’t have anything to lose. I just wanted to live.

Now I have so much to lose and I’m afraid and now is the time to lean in most to what I know will make me feel better and that’s my program. Not obsessively lean in as we all know I can do, just not completely forgetting that I have all these tools until I’m sitting in an AA meeting for one hour a day.

So, my perspective change for the day is yeah okay I’m not feeling great. But there are so many things that DO make me feel great – my friends, my partner, my family, the feral kitties that hop around the neighbor’s yard that make me smile. Talking to my sponsor and helping someone else but also just sitting and reading, being in the sun, watching a funny show, discovering more about myself, talking a walk, finding a penny on the ground that felt like a wink from our very own T.B.D (yesterday), etc. etc. etc.

This is a phase and I’ve been in it for a while but that still does not mean that it won’t pass. That it won’t all make sense down the road. I just need to keep getting through it.

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Xx

Jane