I’m grateful for listening to a Denver old-timer qualify and stick to the basics of what we need to do to stay sober. I’m grateful for the messaging around service being regularly put in my head so I know to keep building that muscle and not let up. I’m grateful for switching up my run route to maintain my energy levels over a long distance. I’m grateful for witnessing some stunning storm cloud formations during our evening walk. I’m grateful for quiet days where I just get to live my life with peace and contentment.

Last week an old-timer with a whopping 56 years sober was sharing his perspectives on success versus fulfillment and how his relationship with each has changed over time in the Program. From the way he described it, I interpreted success as being more outward-focused, superficial, and transient while fulfillment was more personal, rewarding, and long-term. I liked how he juxtaposed these two concepts and it triggered me to do some internal searching to understand my own evolution with this in AA.

In my 20s coveting success was paramount and it was very much defined by society’s expectations. I was hungry for approval from the world because my sense of self was ill-defined. If I looked good by the outside metrics then I figured fulfillment would follow suit. This meant I stayed in a relationship for longer than I should have partially because the image of it was applauded by our friends. I found jobs at the shiny, name-brand companies because it would elicit envy rather than move my career in personally meaningful ways. Most choices I made were to achieve a level of financial or social success absent of any honest introspection. I figured if others are happy with me then I’ll be happy with me. The problem was I could never ensure others would always be happy with me because that is not how human relationships work. As a result I was constantly playing this dance with people where I made short-term moves to regain their affections, while compromising who I am in the process. External validation was an ever elusive constant. Ultimately I became such a shell of myself that alcohol was the only salve that let me deal with a litany of bad decisions. When I think about the 56-year sober guy’s framing of success I realize my insatiable appetite for it made me a hollow, sick, and insane person.

Fulfillment finally became a real goal for me when I joined AA. I heard inspiring stories at meetings from fellows about how they overcame real struggles to figure out what they wanted and who they are – inside. Learning how to adopt an inward-focused lens – keeping my side of the street clean as they say in the rooms – became a game changer. I borrowed courage from the stories I heard and translated wisdom found in the 12 Steps to look into my soul and decipher what is actually going on here. I began asking myself honest, impactful questions in order to gain revealing, transformative answers.

Through this soul searching in AA my life has become much, much simpler. Less successful on paper perhaps, but more fulfilling spiritually than ever before. Although my career for now has taken a backseat, I am genuinely at peace. I’m seeking that work-life balance more than that corner office. I’m giving myself the opportunity to gain hobbies and interests that aren’t subsumed by my workaholic tendencies. I’m also in a loving partnership that actually supports my life in stable, happy ways and am not staying in it for superficial or harmful reasons. While I don’t live in the largest home or in the best neighborhood, I do have a cozy little place that we have truly made our own in wonderful ways. I exercise in a manner that is personally enjoyable and enriching for my specific body type and not in a manner designed to be Instagram-worthy. It may be obvious to say, but fulfillment truly is found in the small things that cumulatively make a big impact: seeing the houseplants grow new leaves, daily walks in Cheesman Park, noticing epic cloud formations over the mountains, listening to the same rotation of entertaining podcasts, going on new hikes, and so much more.

In sobriety I’m actively discovering what gives me fulfillment in a meaningful, sustainable manner. When I think about it, I do believe that to be success too. I started this off by saying these two terms are in possible conflict, but they don’t have to be. The times I feel mostfulfilled are also the times I am most successful. Making decisions in life where I strive for the former will inevitably allow the latter to fall in line. I believe finding unity in these two ideas will be my goal moving forward. While I might not look as bright on paper as I did in my 20s and early 30s from a career or social perspective, internally I am better than ever before. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and that is both fulfillment and success for me in AA.

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