I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for seeing T yesterday, for my family, my friends and my partner. I’m grateful for our home, for AA, for asking for and getting help. I’m grateful for coffee, my service commitments, for keeping the doors open and letting the fresh air in.
Gooood morning my friends (: As per always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and you are feeling at least refreshed for the week ahead (let’s petition for a four-day work week?).
This morning, I sat down on my couch with my coffee all comfy only to open my laptop and realize it’s about to die. So, let’s see if I can make it through this entire post without having to get up.
On Saturday, I had yet another breakdown. I gotta tell you guys I’m really tired of having breakdowns – I feel like an actual insane person. So, I called my dad, and he helped me realize a lot of things. I am feeling this incessant feeling that something needs to change from deep inside and I have just looked at it like ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’ And I definitely don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my dad helped me see that this incessant feeling, the weekly breakdowns, it’s something that’s bigger than me.
When I first got sober, I absolutely had a white light experience – I woke up and I knew it was over for me (my drinking) and I knew that it wasn’t me making that decision. I fought it slightly for exactly one week (thought I could make do on the alcohol only episodes of intervention rather than AA) when again, it wasn’t me that made the decision to go to AA.
And still to this day or maybe up until I actually started writing this – I very firmly believed I’d never have such a white light experience again. That it was a one and done – gotta save her life and then we’ll be subtle for there – kind of thing.
But after this last breakdown and talking to my dad it was almost like some of the fog lifted. Maybe it wasn’t a full white light, just some rays but it’s more than I ever thought I’d get again and for the first time in a really long time I have hope again. That things can change, I’m not just stuck here forever, that last week’s micro actions can apply to a lot more than just journaling and wellness.
I am inspired again by the options I do have. And for the FIRST TIME EVER I am accepting that I just don’t know the answer. I don’t know where exactly I’m headed or what I want. I’m standing at a jumping off point and a long time ago I used to write here a lot about leaping and trusting the net will catch you.
I gotta tell you I’m fucking terrified to leap. Who wants to leap? That’s so stupid and not logical and what if all these numbers of catastrophic things happen and the net isn’t actually there, and this is all fake and I’m just going to fail. Well ladies and gentlemen I am starting to understand that the real courage is in leaping anyway. Getting sober at the time was to me genuinely out of my hands, I had nothing to lose, and it saved my life.
This is so much scarier, because I am sober. I have things to lose. But I want to be someone who has courage and who fights for happiness. Who listens to my body, those deep-down feelings that I simply cannot ignore anymore. Who has all of these fears – and leaps anyway.
Xx
Jane
P.S. I am pleased to report I still have 14% battery and have not had to get up from the couch!
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