The Name of the Game

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a beautiful day, the day off, for extra rest and for coffee. I’m grateful for my friends, my family, for my sponsor and AA. I’m grateful for hope and words of encouragement. I’m grateful for trying my best and having endless amounts of support.

Gooood morning my friends (: As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend & I hope everyone who has off today is soaking up every minute of relaxation they can.

Coming to you a little late today not because I forgot but because I myself, am soaking up every minute of relaxation I can this morning. We are going to blink guys and it’s going to be the New Year. I don’t know about anyone else but September – December just goes by at warp speed.

I’m not really sure what to write today, I’ve written & deleted about 60 times this morning because my head is very much so all over the place. Which is super ironic because I did morning pages this morning for the first time in forever which I believe is supposed to help your brain…not be all over the place? Perhaps I’ll just take my work OOO and put it here?

My brain is out of the office in observance of Labor Day…

I think overarchingly, I am VERY afraid about losing all that momentum I had last week (a form of self-sabotage perhaps?). I leapt and I was so excited about leaping with or without the net but there’s all this time now to doubt myself. And I am starting to crush myself with doubts which is most certainty not what I or what I believe HP wants for me.

I started the Artist’s Way (hence the morning pages) with my sponsor yesterday and she said to me (this wonderful, amazing human who I truly do not know what I would do without), that it doesn’t matter if I believe in myself. HP believes in me and so essentially, the only thing I have to do is stay the course.

I don’t want to doubt myself; I want to believe the things my friends tell me, hear and accept the encouragement my family gives me. I want to trust and it’s so god damn hard. But that’s the thing about leaping, I guess. Just like I said last week & I HAVE to listen to my own words – being afraid and doing it anyway is better (to me) that being so unbearably uncomfortable.

In the meantime, my head is becoming progressively more all over the place today and I think I need a healthy reset. Finish writing, put on some music, clean up the apartment and meet some friends for lunch. Sitting in doubt is definitely not the solution and I am committing to not giving up. Not giving up on the leap or myself no matter how scary or overwhelming or hard it may be. Because that’s all part of it isn’t it?

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Xx

Jane