Stories

I’m grateful for my dog’s daycare giving me time to focus and have some space to complete some important tasks. I’m grateful for attending a NYC meeting I haven’t been to since I moved and seeing the same fellows showing up and remaining sober. I’m grateful for the reminder that grappling with my darkness has allowed me to go into the dark with others. I’m grateful for an event that I was nervous about going as well as it could have. I’m grateful for being financially solvent enough to afford yesterday’s grocery haul. I’m grateful for the fresh feeling a new haircut provides. I’m grateful to be sitting in my papasan with my dog curled up in a ball next to me writing this and feeling content about where my life has settled.

It has been a while, but I got the chance to attend T.B.D.’s weekly Zoom AA meeting, Anyone Anywhere (Tuesdays at 7pm ET, Meeting Link: https://meet.google.com/dpt-zrog-btv). If you haven’t had the opportunity to join it is a wonderful little sober group where we authentically share our thoughts on what we have read in the Big Book that week.

For the past many months we have been going through the diverse array of personal stories in the back. Without fail each one has touched me in some meaningful way. Even if the writer’s circumstances are vastly different from mine, there is always the emotions around alcoholism that ring true 110%. I know that pain, I know that desperation, I know that hope, and I know that serenity. One day I’d like to engage in the personal exercise of ranking the stories for myself. It’ll be interesting to see how they evolve over time depending upon where I am in life and in sobriety.

The “solution” part of these stories is what I look forward to the most nowadays. While the drunkalogues are certainly spicy, I feel so inspired when I hear these strangers I’ve never met (and likely will never meet since many have passed) convey to me in such simple, impactful, and honest language their truth. I often get misty-eyed at how on earth we alcoholics are able to transform so completely after putting ourselves through so much trauma. The strength of the human condition exemplified in the words of these fellows is mesmerizing. It’s such proof positive for me that if I remain disciplined and teachable my life will change. Things will always get complicated because that is the reality of existence, however I will find paths to elegantly traverse through those complications with balance. I can borrow the courage, I can borrow the wisdom of these writers, who have thoughtfully gifted me with their vulnerability, and apply it to my own life.

The story we read at Anyone Anywhere last night was titled “On The Move”. Towards the end on page 493 the author describes how he and his father feel about their lives after years of tumult:

“I think we are both at peace with our pasts and comfortable with the present”

This sorta sounds like Promise #3 (“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”), which is one of my favorite Promises. What I appreciate about the above quote is the usage of “peace” and “comfortable”.

I still occasionally revisit drunken escapades, even ones over a decade old, with a tinge of sadness and regret. Time and reflection in the Program have finally brought me to a place where I am at peace with what happened. I realize in order to change my mind on matters I needed to go through that mayhem to get to my current state. It’s just how my brain works – I cannot automagically reform overnight those neural pathways that were calcified by alcohol. Most importantly though, now that I have gained relative stability in life, I can use my story on the regular to identify with other alcoholics, especially newer ones. I can lead with empathy and love rather than judgement or derision for people inside and outside these rooms. I have finally found a purpose for my pain. That evolution is what “peace” with my past means to me in AA.

With his usage of the word “comfortable” I identify with a lot because for many decades I was incredibly uncomfortable with every aspect of me. I was so ashamed about basic facts about my identity that I distorted my story to others for many years, even before I had that first drink, because I thought that revised version would make them like me more and therefore make me feel less ashamed about myself. While I am still very much a work in progress on this front, I can say that today I am more at ease with my identify than ever before. Because I have spent the time on honest self-reflection and regular course correction, I can be comfortable with my daily existence and not constantly fight or be fearful of everyone and everything.

I underscored the above sentence from yesterday’s story because I am amazed at how freely I can get thoughtful solutions from AA and all I have to do is show up and listen. The Big Book’s stories are such amazing examples of humanity’s resilience and optimism. They showcase the best in us when we are able to set aside that drink and open the door to change. I am glad to have taken the time to continue reading beyond the first 164 pages. I’m also excited to finish all the stories one day – and then get to do it all over again with another alcoholic.

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