Addicted To Holding On

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a good weekend with the pup, for service commitments, for how much my life has grown. I’m grateful for being honest, for my friends, for AA. I’m grateful for quiet mornings, for coffee and for knowing that things will always get better.

Goooood morning my friends (:

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! I definitely have picked up a little cold and could use an extra day or two of the weekend…

I also am perpetually exhausted after getting our sweet pup. Is this parenthood? Every moment with him is so so worth it but what I would give for a nap.

I heard a lot of things I needed to hear at a meeting yesterday – long slow recovery, just because you’re not drinking and using doesn’t mean you’re not doing things addictively. All the things I’ve heard a million times, but I needed the reminder yesterday.

I was talking to my therapist about my spirituality looking like believing even when I don’t have faith. And I really need to stop being so self-reliant. She tells me I’m self-aware and that’s great, but I am constantly standing in my own way.

It’s truly as simple as letting go but perhaps I’m addicted to holding on. Ori (the pup) helps. I can’t get every leaf or stick or piece of dirt out of his mouth fast enough, but I have faith that HP is not going to let our dog die from a piece of dirt (that also very likely could just be air and he thinks he got the dirt but in fact he did not and now he’s just chewing air).

It’s the same point over and over and over again. I have to let go, I’m holding on to the rope too tight I’m getting rope burn, I have to leap and let the net appear. How many posts here can we look back on and see the same message come through? Probably all of them.

So, when am I going to just let go? Who knows and I guess that’s the glory of a long and slow recovery. Learning the same lessons until it clicks. Choosing to stay here even when it’s hard because it’s so much better here than it is out there.

My life has blossomed in the most unimaginable ways but there can be more. There IS more I know there is. And not cash and prizes but things like – a whole day without anxiety. A whole day without controlling anything. A whole day feeling content and at peace. A place where I’m happy with things exactly as they are.

All of those things are out there for me. If only I just— let go.

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Xx

Jane