I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for the holidays coming up, for 3 years on the horizon and for my friends. I’m grateful for my family, my pup, for my service commitments and for AA. I’m grateful for the $62 printer I bought clearly on sale, for my sponsor, for coffee, for heat when it’s cold and AC when it’s hot. I’m grateful for the sober life I have, for all the lessons I’ve learned and all the lessons I continue to learn.
Goooooodd morning my fellows!
As.per.us.u.al!!! I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and that you are feeling rested and rejuvenated for the week ahead. For all my friends who just have to make it two more weeks & then we get holiday break – we got this.
I chatted with our very own T.B.D last night and we were talking about just different ways to spruce up my writing and one thing that came up was going back into my older posts and seeing what’s changed. Given the yearlong funk I’ve been in I figured that would not only do wonders for today’s post, but also my brain.
So, I went back and naturally wanted to see what I wrote a year ago today. Well, I didn’t write on December 9thlast year, but I DID find this post:
https://substack.com/@misssoberjane/p-139427918
which was on the 4th so close enough. When I tell you I read that and genuinely thought to myself, who even IS that person. That person obviously was me but clearly in a much better headspace. Someone who believed I was worthy, who believed I was capable and valid and was SO excited over flowering Aloe (that still is pretty cool btw).
Today, I’m not feeling so capable and valid although I have upgraded caring for plants to caring for a dog who I do believe is very happy to have a mom and dad who love him so much.
I talk about God in that post in a way that I have forgotten. I can feel the trust that somehow, I have lost. I can’t pinpoint exactly when things started to change but oh my goodness that post what honestly weird to read.
Weird because I want to be that person again. Weird because a neighbor JUST told me it’s nice to see someone so positive in the morning…who, me?!?! Yes, apparently me and a perfect example is that post which is SO positive.
This line in particular is what I need to remember these days – ‘I am angry, and I have asked God for help, I am sad and I have asked God for help. I have never given up on myself or helping others and all of those things make me plenty worthy.’
I haven’t been asking God for help. I have forgotten that the most important thing I have ever done and will ever do is get sober. How much does the rest really matter if I am not sober?
How much does it matter if I am successful at work if I am not sober? How much does it matter if I am not helping another sober person? Doing service? How much does it all really matter if I am not doing the things that make me happy in the place that makes me happy?
The silly little social media posts will continue with or without me but none of it matters if I am not sober. If I am not finding that feeling of being capable, worthy and valid again.
So that’s what I am going to do today. No matter what happens I am going to remember that God is always there, that I am worthy and that I am capable because the hardest thing I ever had to do was get sober. If I can do that, I can very legitimately do…anything else.
Xx
Jane