I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the support of my family, Timmy and my friends. I’m grateful for Christmas lights, only 5 more working days, for AA and doing service. I’m grateful for my sponsor, for my pup, for coffee and writing and rainy days that end up being pretty cozy.
Goooood morning my friends! As always, I hope everyone had a nice weekend for those who celebrate Christmas…that you’re gearing up for a holly jolly holiday ahead.
I received some pretty shitty and unclear news on Friday at 5:45 pm roughly 10 days before Christmas and have been feeling a lot of things these past few days.
Friday night I cried, Saturday I was full of motivation, Sunday I was angry, today I feel a bit defeated.
But I think in a way God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. God is reminding me that I have so many people in my corner. God is reminding me that just because someone says x about you, that doesn’t mean it’s true. I honestly think HP is reminding me how to turn it over.
I don’t always think it’s fair to lean on HP exclusively when you’re in pain. It’s easy for me to be like ‘oh yes well HP is always there but I got this for now’ when things are relatively okay and then to fully turn into HP when things are not okay. But I think in this moment it is pretty clear that the signs have been there all along. Or at least in the last 6 months. In my body, in the back of my mind and all of that has always been HP.
So, a good friend of mine told me it’s all about how you recover now. And so here to all of you guys I will say that I am pissed off, that I am sad and that I am scared. That I feel utterly defeated. That I also feel for the first time in a really long time that I will not let someone else say I am incapable when I in fact am. I will take accountability when appropriate, but I will not eat shit for someone else anymore. I have a plan, and I have faced scarier things. And for the first time in a really long time I genuinely do believe that everything will be okay.
Outwardly to the rest of the world, I’m doing just fine. The boat is not rocking, my head is held high, and I will proceed as regularly scheduled until the above said plan gets worked out and then I will carry on with dignity and grace.
And again, for the first time in a really long time I genuinely feel that I do not have to do any of this alone. So perhaps the silver lining of this one thing that causes so many other feelings, is that I feel reconnected again. To myself, to my higher power. I don’t feel alone and that’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time.
Xx
Jane