Sober and the City

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for my family and for my sponsor who always makes me laugh. I’m grateful for our new place, being able to walk to meetings again and that the bus will drop me right in front of the Workshop too. I’m grateful for the weather warming up, for living in NYC, for getting sober in NYC and for staying sober in NYC.

Hello my friends (: As alwaysss I hope everyone had a lovely weekend! Tim has been in London and will remain in London until this Saturday when he promptly returns home however, since he’s been away I have had the freedom to binge watch Sex and the City so naturally I find myself writing here as if I am Carrie Bradshaw herself. 

And so I couldn’t help but wonder….just kidding!! In all seriousness I have been feeling a lot of things these past few days and I’m really grateful to have a place where I can not only talk about it freely but maybe just maybe, through all of the bullshit, help someone else. (That is cliché and I’m a little cynical right now but somewhere deep down inside I know it’s true.). 

I had a serious breakdown on Saturday, followed by another on Sunday. I feel like I am swimming through emotion. I wanted a dog like people want babies and I never ever imagined how much love I would feel for this animal who drives me absolutely bananas. My baby was viciously attacked, for many minutes another dog had him by his chest, was shaking and shaking and shaking him and after many minutes of pure terror and the other people doing absolutley fucking nothing, I stepped in, I got bit, I saved my boy. But there’s a little blood stain in the white of his fur that for the love of god just will not come out. Every time I step into the elevator I see that dog rushing in and grabbing mine over and over and over again. I look down and I see the gnarly scar I have on my hand now and I think about my sweet boy half dead in the hospital with a tube down his throat following us with his eyes and us not knowing if we would be able to take our baby home again. Not knowing if we would get the absolute joy of having him drive us bananas ever again. 

I know there are people who experience significantly worse. But I have never ever felt more powerless. I am angry, and I am scared and I am sad. Tim is away and my parents are far and I have the most wonderful friends in the whole world who if I called right now I know they would come over and hold my hand. But I unfortunately cannot ask them to do that everytime I need to be brave and go out and walk my dog, something that used to be fun and nice and enjoyable and now takes every ounce of energy I have because I simply cannot go through that again. Seeing this thing that I love so much almost die. And god help me if something ever happened to Tim, or someone in my family or one of my friends. 

I have crazy imposter syndrome being in this apartment with our fancy doorman who pushes the elevator button for me and keeps our packages safe and has become bff’s with the dog we almost lost. How did we get here? How did we deserve this? We work our little tails off but a DOORMAN on the UPPER WEST SIDE?? 

I have been doing all of the right things. I have never talked to God so much and so consistently not even when I first got sober. I am going to meetings, I am talking to my sponsor, I am doing service, I am talking to other sober people. This is not a matter of what I can do better. This is very simply wanting to know if this is normal. If what I am feeling is normal and if it will ever get better. 

It is and it will but that doesn’t make it any better. When he first got hurt I operated by putting one foot in front of the other. That was simply the only thing I could do and now we are somewhere safe, away from those irresponsible people and their psychotic fucking dog and yes I am VERY far away from forgiveness and no I don’t want to hear anyone’s advice about it. I just want to feel normal. Whatever that new normal is going to feel like I just want to feel it. 

There’s a positive way to round this out. Everything is going to be okay as long as I’m sober and have AA. All the things we know and they are all very very very true and I’m not trying to let that get lost. But on top of everything else I feel selfish. The past 7 weeks I have had a lot of people in my corner and it has been all about us and the dog. And as I go through all of these emotions they have been very patient with me. So the way I want to end this is with a special nod to a good friend of mine who I am very proud of. Who does amazing things all the time but has done something especially amazing not once but twice. 

I am very grateful for that friend. And a special friend of that friend, both of whom show me what it means to be brave constantly. I am grateful for everyone who has remained in my corner and has given me the space to heal. I see you and I’m sorry for not being myself lately. Thank you for loving me anyway. 

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xx  

Jane