Brainwashing

I’m grateful for exercise being such an uplifting part of my day. I’m grateful for nature serving as a powerful visual to put my problems, my grievances in context and nudging me to get out of self. I’m grateful for the poignant phrase “as the road gets steeper the views get better” to frame how life grows in AA. I’m grateful for continuing to recite the mantra “this too shall pass” as a means of more easily letting go of negativity whenever it arises. I’m grateful for my daily gratitude practice becoming a core part of how I engage with Step 11. I’m grateful for reflecting on the ways humility is tied to gratitude. I’m grateful for Harper keeping me disciplined around my routines. I’m grateful for feeling incredibly satisfied with all that I have today and not finding old instincts for ‘more’ or ‘better’ seeping into my psyche as much. I’m grateful for more readily accepting life’s myriad of beautiful imperfections.

At my old NYC Zoom AA meeting I heard a humorous anecdote from the fellow qualifying. She talked about how resistant to the Program she was in her early days and once told her sponsor that AA is just brainwashing. Her sponsor replied, “Good! Your brain needs washing.”. I thought that was a pretty clever retort so I recorded it in my Notes app.

Enough people with alcoholic tendencies have certainly told me a variant of this sentiment over the years. I can’t speak for them, but I definitely know my brain needed washing – and still does. Her anecdote served as a catalyst for reflecting on some fundamental ways AA has transformed me.

Wash Away My Prejudices

Honestly I had a ton of barriers when it came to people from all walks of life. Because I thought everyone was judging me, I decided with vodka’s assistance to judge them first before they could hurt me. In that way I would “win”. Win what? Nothing really except increased isolation. Step 12, which has the principle of “Service”, reminds me that no matter who it is (inside or outside these rooms) to be helpful to my fellow humans where I can. When I am helpful to others I get to know them for real and have my prejudices melt away.

Wash Away My Insecurities

My goodness do I have a lot of insecurities I wrestle with even today. I don’t feel cool enough, smart enough, eloquent enough, attractive enough, etc. This is where Step 11, which has the principle of “Awareness”, serves to stabilize me. When I am able to connect with a Power Greater Than Myself it places my issues into the broader context of our world. I find humility in the reminder that: 1) Much greater problems exists than what I deal with, and 2) My problems still matter to me and I am not alone in feeling a certain way, there is a community of people who have similarly incorrect assertions about themselves. Knowing I don’t believe those negative things about them then why can’t I extend myself the same grace? Regularly practicing such thinking permits me to slowly let go of long-held, faulty insecurities.

Wash Away My Misconceptions

These were rampant when it came to what I thought an alcoholic, and AA in general, is. Thankfully those beautiful fellows I met early on in the Program quickly smashed my misconceptions and created a gentle on-ramp into recovery.

Additionally I had such a skewed understanding of self. Since I had spent years contorting like a Cirque-du-Soleil gymnast to be a certain type of person in order for society to accept me I had developed no real understanding of who I am. Step 4, whose principle is “Courage”, gave me the appropriate framework to look inside me with honesty and start discovering the truest version of me. I found my authenticity in sobriety and thereby my self-confidence.

Wash Away My Defects

Steps 6 and 7, which have the principles of “Willingness” and “Humility”, are daily practices for me (or at least I strive to do them daily). Whenever something goes awry I see those defects I codified in Step 4 (control, fear, passive aggressiveness, anger, etc.) creeping up. What 6 and 7 permit me to do is notice them from farther away so I have the necessary distance to steer clear. I’ll likely never reach a place of true enlightenment where all defects are erased, but with time, willingness, and humility I’ll hopefully continue getting better at mitigating their power over me, especially during stressful moments.

There are so many other aspects of my thinking that need regular washing away. I’m grateful AA, specifically the Steps, provide me structure on how to do that in a healthy fashion. I’m not totally wiping away my thinking with vodka only to have it rear its head back in more destructive ways. Instead I’m understanding how the various pieces of my thinking come together, identifying what pieces no longer fit, and finding new ones to rebuild a new, better, less washed up version of me.

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