Coexistence

I’m grateful for talking through tough situations with those whose opinions I trust – it’s such a gift getting out of my own head. I’m grateful for an anniversary meeting where folks who’ve known me since the beginning of my sober journey are celebrating their own special milestones. I’m grateful for a fellow sharing a favorite phrase of mine from the Big Book “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny”, which also reminded me that this is a journey, not a final destination. I’m grateful for allowing myself to go through the rough feelings I was experiencing and not adding to the agita by thinking why am I not behaving perfectly now that I’m sober. I’m grateful for the sponsee being a source of inspiration for how I invest in my own sobriety. I’m grateful for regularly participating in AA because I can feel it really paying off during the rougher periods. I’m grateful I’ve been able to maintain commitments to my Zoom and IRL AA meetings since both formats mean a lot to me. I’m grateful for delicious, crispy French Fries. I’m grateful for the conversations I have with my own mind nowadays – the content and tone are so much healthier.

My sponsee, who is moving to a new city soon, recently shared a beautiful journal entry on the dueling emotions he feels about this change. There is excitement and fear, hope and anxiety, confidence and doubt. He ended by saying he feels relatively at peace with having these concurrent light and dark emotions as that really is the crux of what it means to navigate life.

His conclusion is quite poignant. Being able to hold several competing truths at once and allow for their peaceful coexistence has been a sign of real growth for this alcoholic. During my drinking days I fought every conflict by more aggressively exerting my will because surely then would things fall in line. Obviously that approach lead to years of turmoil. When AA entered the picture I finally developed sustainable ways to find harmony with those ever-present internal tensions.

First off, AA reminds me to always have humility around accepting internal contrasts. By knowing I can never eradicate them, I can start from a place of reality rather than delusion. Where once I felt a magic potion like vodka could totally absolve me from any strife, the Program tells me to see where my feet are actually planted and grow from there.

Next, AA shows me how to allow for healthy reflection on my internal chaos in a balanced (almost objective) manner. By sitting with my emotions, letting them come and go without dwelling on any one for too long, it ensures attachments or resentments don’t prevent me from moving forward.

Finally, to move forward I’m taught by AA to adopt the tiny next right actions, which will in turn grant me proximity to my more constructive, more positive emotions. Exercise, writing, meditation, and prayer are the sort of actions that help me out here. Regularly acknowledging silver linings by doing these ensures the darker emotions never have a chance of truly overwhelming me.

But of course the negative stuff won’t forever be silent. It’ll always linger in the back of my head, occasionally taking a front seat. This is why the word “coexist” imprinted in my mind when I read my sponsee’s journal entry. A few years ago just an iota of negativity would push me towards a black out. Thanks to the Program I have gained the confidence in knowing I can coexist with my swirling thoughts, which is such a crazy miracle. With an head full of AA peace can always be found, even in the most chaotic corners of my mind.

Subscribe now