What are the Options?

I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for time with and showing up for friends on Saturday, for warm weather (slowly) coming back and for working from home. I’m grateful for AA and my sponsor moving to the Upper East Side!! I’m grateful for rest, for smoothies, for books, for fresh flowers. For connection and laughter. For having fun and for things finally feeling okay.

Morning my friends (:�

As always, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! That said, does anyone know if a lobotomy is an option in 2025?�

I’m totally kidding, that actually is  the most horrific thing, however, if there’s another way to turn off my brain that doesn’t involve drugs, alcohol or severing my prefrontal cortex I might be down.�

This dramatic intro is all meant to say that over the past few weeks this like crippling insecurity has come back. I don’t know if when things were bad or when I had to kick it into high gear the insecurity left because I had no other choice but to do – not to overthink – and maybe it’s because things have settled down that it’s coming back but every single thing I do I find myself in this round and around circle of – was that the right thing? Did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Did I think the right thing???�

And that’s why it’s crippling. Because even if for a second I feel pretty good there’s that little teeny voice that has re-arrived that says mmmmmmm is it actually good though?�

So maybe what I actually want to do today is break this all down for a second.�

• I am sober. For three years I have stayed sober and sobriety three years ago was unimaginable. Today I have this big beautiful life because three years ago I thank God, stopped drinking.�

• I have a family who is always there for me and will always be there for me no matter what.�

• I have a partner who is always there for me and will also always be there for me no matter what.�

• I have friends who show up for me, who I get to show up for, who don’t ask me to be anyone but myself, who love me for who I am regardless of how in my head I get,�

• I have a job that I really really really love. I love what I do and I love doing it and I don’t think I have ever felt this happy in a job ever.�

• I have a puppy who I swear to God is going to institutionalize me but who we almost lost and who I am so grateful for. �

• I am an alcoholic whose brain works differently than normal people, who gets really overwhelmed by my own thoughts and who is sometimes incredibly insecure. And that’s okay.�

So yeah I’m spinning myself but I don’t actually need (or want)  a lobotomy. I just need some space between that teeny voice and the person I actually am. The person who loves and wants to help and cares and works hard and doesn’t do literally anything perfectly but tries to show up as the best person she can. And that’s just going to have to be enough.�

Leave a comment

xx�

Jane�