Blank

I’m grateful for a slow and steady run in cool weather where, despite my body not feeling it, my mind was able to power me through. I’m grateful for Tajin seasoning adding a welcome tanginess to my food. I’m grateful for actively working on letting my judgements melt away (though not totally successfully) when hearing a fellow whose vibes just always rub me the wrong way. I’m grateful for Harper calmly snuggling by me for most of the day while I was immersed in my own world. I’m grateful for escaping the crazy storm with Harper right before it was about to hit hard. I’m grateful for remembering the phrase that my speed bumps can become spiritual tools. I’m grateful for thinking about the transformation of defects into more productive activities, specifically the tiny actions I do around making this happen. I’m grateful for the continued realization that time doesn’t equate to wisdom. I’m grateful for the self-care practices I engage in daily – when I show up for myself then I can more easily show up for others. I’m grateful for our covered garage. I’m grateful for continuing to enjoy the flowers we received from friends back in NYC. I’m grateful for all the educational videos about space, history, and pop culture that folks create for YouTube.

For some reason I don’t have much to write about this morning. Life is generally pretty chill. While I have my grievances in certain areas, I honestly cannot muster up the energy to complain. Doing so would mean me veering into self-pity, which I try to only dip into in sobriety. In some ways it’s a blessing to feel sort of blank given how little that was the case during my drinking where drama was the centerpiece.

Outside of work I spend my days quietly. I find comfort in the near daily routine of hopping onto my NYC Zoom meeting where I first got sober. I like to attend at least 2-3 in-person meetings a week here in Denver. As Spring slowly arrives walking around the city has become more enjoyable. It’s fun noticing nature rebound. No longer do seasons blend into one another in a blurry way. Instead observing the gradual changes helps get me out of self and remember there’s a big world that exists right outside my doorstep. Since work revolves around sitting in front of screens, my daily runs are a welcome respite for my body and mind. My dog is also an important reminder throughout the day to go for mini walks in the neighborhood so his spirits are lifted, along with mine. Blasting music at home and in the car, especially new releases from Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande, has contributed significantly to me dancing like nobody’s watching.

I’m kind of appreciative of the blankness I feel. Blankness isn’t bad in my book anymore. The potentially haunting, existential question of “Is this all there is to life?” doesn’t seem to derail me. Maybe because my current outlook is simply to stay in my lane, keep my side of the street clean, and inhabit a state of gratitude as much as possible. Life will always throw curveballs – good and bad. Over the past few months I’ve had a few of these with a recent engagement, fairly pleasant trip back home, anxiety-inducing tenant situation, root canal work, and other personal situations. I can already anticipate a few disruptive events potentially looming on the horizon. But for today, as I sit in the comfy little nook area of our home, life is blank. Or I guess more positively put, life is calm. I thank my lucky stars that that is enough to keep me sober.

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