In Context

I’m grateful for feeling the seasons change ever so slightly with the cool air being a welcome relief during my morning runs. I’m grateful for the incremental updates we keep adding to our home to make it both more comfortable and more pragmatic. I’m grateful for the newcomer who has been showing up and letting it all out – inspiring me to demonstrate the same courage. I’m grateful for how delicious our peach and nectarine hauls have been for the past several weeks. I’m grateful for the regularity with which I look out at the horizon and my mouth drops at how beautiful the nature around here is – I hope that feeling of wonder doesn’t subside anytime soon. I’m grateful for having options in life. I’m grateful for a meeting focused on Step 1 and our experiences with powerlessness in those final days. I’m grateful for randomly sitting next to someone who recently relapsed after moving to Denver and being able to guide him a little on how to navigate the AA scene.

On Sunday evening I wasn’t in the best mood. I’d been cleaning and doing a variety of home projects throughout the day that were pretty taxing. I’d not eaten at the most optimal times. I’d been stuck indoors save for my morning run. There were tiny actions taken by my partner that were also kinda grating on me. I’d gotten caught in a rainstorm while walking the dog. Luckily we were fairly close to home, but he had not been able to “go” fully. I had to bring him back inside and wash the dirt from his feet, as I do every time we go out, but knowing full well I needed to do this again in 10 minutes after the rain stopped. My mind was primed to react poorly to external events…and it did.

Now the manifestation of my anger wasn’t yelling or visibly lashing out. It was quietly stewing on the couch and trying to analyze “why?”. Why am I in a bad mood when generally speaking there isn’t a super solid reason for me to be. At best I can be moderately annoyed, but what purpose is this negative state of mind serving me except to infringe on my serenity?

In the old days I’d escape this emotion rather swiftly (or more likely make it worse) with a bottle of vodka. Thankfully that idea never crossed my mind, but deploying AA certainly did. I began asking myself how can I tap into the knowledge I’ve gained from being in this Program to get out of my funk.

First thing is I needed to give myself a little grace around feeling my feelings, even the subpar ones: anger, pettiness, snarkiness, etc. Ignoring them or scolding myself for not perfectly avoiding negativity wasn’t going to turn things around. However I knew I could only have this grace period for a short while. Stewing in it is never the ultimate solution so I had to concurrently devise an off-ramp strategy.

Later that evening after our second walk where my dog did finish his business, I began deploying a variety of techniques I’ve learnt in the rooms to get recentered. I asked myself the question, “What would the best AA version of me do here?”. Immediately a phrase I often recall at these junctures surfaced: “Everything is temporary“. I kept saying it over and over. I often find relief in repetition and repetition does drive home the message for me. I began welcoming the notion that another thought, another emotion would eventually arise and over time enough of these would allow me to move past my present state. I also reminded myself of the mountains I’d just seen highlighted by the setting sun and wondered how they’ve survived for thousands of years. Is whatever I’m feeling really that necessary to hold onto given my relatively short time on Earth?

After letting my mind sit in these musings, I remembered how helpful writing out gratitude lists are. So I listed a bunch of good things that happened throughout the day to counterbalance my negativity: successfully mounting artwork that had been stored in the basement, enjoying delicious homemade Indian food with plenty of leftovers for the week, having a functioning car that works in the city and at higher elevations, showing my NYC friends around Denver, etc. I got another few minutes of reprieve as I actively challenged my mind to find the light and to adopt a bird’s eye view of my life, which made it harder to be absorbed by darkness.

As my grouchy thoughts continued subsiding, I remembered a mindfulness tool a fellow had shared at a meeting a few weeks back. After having an argument with her husband the fellow decided to write about how she could’ve tackled the scenario better. She created two columns on a sheet of paper. In one column she listed her defects that had emerged during the disagreement and in the other she listed the opposite thought / action she wished she had taken. Seeing everything side by side helped get her right-sized.

As I filled out the internal defects that I’d been exhibiting in my first column I immediately realized how petulant, how childish I was being. When I moved onto filling out the second column, a sense of calm overcame me. I saw before me a roadmap for getting out of my bad mood. Here’s an abbreviated version of what the list looked like (details are omitted for personal reasons):

It’s a miracle how being sober can ensure that formerly intense desires for embracing delusion are absent when I direct my mind to productive, honest work like this. While the remnants of my sourness lingered somewhat, I began switching over to a stronger headspace where I visualized the nasty little tendrils of my defects slowly dissolving. That list creation allowed me to confront what was happening head on. I wasn’t avoiding my demons, I was understanding them and then strategically erasing them by putting everything in context. From chanting about life’s transience, to finding gratitude, to remembering how I can show up as the best version of myself, I found a way to be lead by my better angels. It’s truly amazing what my sober mind can do these days to be my own best advocate and not my own worst enemy.

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