I'm grateful for the chill that permeates the air during my morning runs. I'm grateful for our homemade Indian food that'll last for a few more days. I'm grateful for chairing a NYC meeting I've not attended in a while and catching up with the folks in it. I'm grateful getting to celebrate 15 years with a fellow who helped me a lot in the early days. I'm grateful for hearing other people's take on what Higher Power and spirituality mean to them. I'm grateful for understanding that focusing on self all the time is a harmful, empty way to live. I'm grateful for our shared backyard fence getting fixed. I'm grateful for potentially adding a new evening routine into the mix to promote my serenity. I'm grateful for our home, our car, and our health, and our serenity.
I've been thinking a lot more about my Higher Power over the past week. Shares about it at meetings have resonated deeply and I'm noticing my conception of it grow in meaningful ways since moving to Denver. Nearly ever time I read the question Ebby posed to Bill it brings up warm feelings inside me:
"Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
His words are incredibly freeing. It reinforces that AA to me isn't a rigid rule book, an exclusive cult, or a graded homework assignment. This Program simply provides a suggestive framework. My responsibility is to fill in the blanks of that framework with my own beliefs, my own life experiences, and my own ideas. While I can get amazing direction and inspiration from a community of fellows, sponsors, and sponsees, the onus is ultimately on me to use the Big Book's schematics to build my sober sanctuary.
After my Monday meeting I was driving home and saw the mountains majestically backlit by the setting sun. I was surprised at how I got a little emotional at the sight. Since becoming sober in 2021 a lot of my thoughts around what a Higher Power is have been super conceptual - a loose, diverse array of inspirational beliefs that somehow magically work together to lift me up. As I drove home I realized since coming to Denver these intangible concepts of my Higher Power have become tethered to something distinctly visual for the first time. It is evident during my runs in the neighborhood, as I'm driving around the city, or whenever I'm taking the dog out for a walk. The Front Range mountains that I see daily are the latest addition to my Higher Power composite.
When I see these mountains I'm reminded how they've been standing there for thousands of years. Through the entirety of human history their stoic presence has been a constant. They will live long after I'm gone from this Earth and perhaps one day my atomic particles may be a part of them. This somewhat unintentional move around tethering the abstraction of my Higher Power to the clear visual of the mountains have made my spiritual experiences feel more immediately accessible and more regular. When I have a problem weighing me down I walk to the east end of Cheesman Park and stare out at the Rockies. Observing them from afar reminds my brain to give itself space to reflect. When I give myself space to reflect I can more easily put matters in perspective. Having the mountains looming out there during this period of rumination reminds me in a powerful way that something greater than myself exists. Something that has and will outlast any disaster or success I go through. Comprehending that reality brings me back more easily to a place of humility, acceptance, and peace.
When I started my AA journey I never thought the Rocky Mountains would be a core part of how I conceived of my HP. I figured it would likely be forever amorphous because I felt the only way of grounding my spiritual ideas was to tie it to religious stuff, which felt triggering given my upbringing. However, thanks to Ebby's empowering, inclusive words I can make the choice to update what my HP is at any point and into any form. This most recent development is a powerful personal reminder that if I remain open-minded, if I remain teachable, if I remain curious then my Higher Power can continue evolving in beautiful, unexpected, and welcome ways.