Spiritual Vessel

I’m grateful for a beautifully crisp and sunny morning run in the park. I’m grateful for seeing the first dusting of snow on Mt. Blue Sky. I’m grateful for keeping an optimistic mindset during a period of experimentation. I’m grateful for being more comfortable in silence. I’m grateful for noticing the conversational tone I have with myself be more gentle and constructive. I’m grateful for my dog’s bouncy gait, especially when he’s excited. I’m grateful for shares about maintaining emotional sobriety during the good times and the bad. I’m grateful for the courage and resilience of day counters. I’m grateful for the laughter and reflection during one of my favorite comedian’s new special. I’m grateful for learning to take things in stride more easily these days.

At a meeting this week an older gentleman in a cowboy hat and boots gave a heartfelt share about the status of his spiritual condition that has stuck with me. He spoke about how his integrity was recently put into question and that deeply irritated him. After working through his “justified” anger and wounded pride, he engaged in some deep soul searching. Why was he so distraught? He concluded his spiritual condition wasn’t strong enough.

Initially he felt after decades of sobriety that integrity was something he had in spades. He had mastered control over it through practice and it gave him great pride believing this. However at some point such thinking slowly lead him astray. He started interacting with his integrity in inauthentic ways. The pressures of holding onto it as his spiritual fitness flailed made him cut corners in efforts to maintain the veneer of its existence. When he was eventually confronted about it, his bubble burst.

After considerable reflection he realized how messy his relationship with integrity had become. It was never a trait for him to wear with unbridled gusto. That merely surfaced a bunch of other defects. Integrity was something that, in its purest form, belonged solely to his Higher Power. He was ultimately just a vessel for it. As with all his attributes, they were not for him to own, control, or project. He was a channel through which these qualities flowed. His primary goal was to move out of the way and keep the lines of communication open and regular with his HP.

I’m still working to deconstruct this fellow’s very pithy message, but one point that clearly jumped out to me is the necessity to keep my spiritual condition in tip top shape. Sure it can be a tedious process, but that’s the job of an emotionally sober alcoholic. Nothing happens automatically, I have to do the work. I have to do it when it’s rainy, I have to do it when it’s sunny. Just like I run daily to avoid physical attrition, I have to engage in sober routines daily to avoid spiritual attrition. And I of course need to be open to learning how sober routines can be expanded or redefined as life progresses. Maintaining sincere energy around my spiritual growth will be a lifelong journey and, at least for today, I feel ready.

The other point he made around being his Higher Power’s vessel really got the gears in my head turning. Alcohol made me spend way too much time on self. I blocked out everything in favor of listening solely to the delusional voices in my head. Being in AA has gifted me the ability to now take inputs from a plethora of constructive places – meetings, the Big Book, close fellows, spiritual activities, etc. – and siphon the wisdom gained from them to perform the next right action. I have to avoid taking sole credit for those actions because when I do I’m in danger of letting self creep back into the mix. Instead a beautiful consortium of things influence my life, which taken collectively is how I define my Higher Power working through me. As a result I count myself as a very grateful and a very blessed vessel.

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