I Am

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful that Ori is continuing to get better and better. I’m grateful for my family, for Tim, for starting my new job today, for service and for AA. I’m grateful for coffee, for cleaning and putting the living room back together, for celebrating at the anniversary meeting last night, for rest, for heat, and for a sober life.

Gooood morning my friends. Hope everyone had a lovely weekend (: 

I’m coming at yah technically on Sunday night because tomorrow (today) is a busy day. I’m starting a new job today — that was the secret scary thing I couldn’t tell you about a few weeks back I was interviewing for a new job. 

So here comes the word vomit – yes a few weeks ago I was so nervous about the interview. Looking back at it I hadn’t been happy at my old job since July and so over the holiday break I really hit the ground running with applying for jobs. I got an interview, the same day I had a second interview. That Wednesday I had a job offer, Thursday I accepted and Friday I resigned from my now, old job. 

Then that Monday my dog got attacked, Tuesday he had life saving surgery, Saturday we got to take him home, today I have my last rabies shot, my boy gets better every single day but I feel like Rapunzel locked in her tower.

How am I ever going to walk him by myself again? How am I going to keep him safe? I wish I could just say ‘we’re never going to the dog park again’ but this happened in our building where we come in and out of everyday. I am terrified of leaving, I will not get back into the elevator. I am so scared of him getting better and then this happening again. 

I am nervous to start this job. What if I’m not good enough? Will I succeed? Will I be happy? Will I get to spend more time with my pup who I am now afraid to walk? 

And most importantly, my biggest ask to God is to just keep helping my boy survive. Keep him fighting. But I am so overwhelmed in my head by SO MUCH that is out of my control right now. 

This month has flown by and has been really hard. In the middle of it I picked up a sponsee who I got to meet in person for the first time on Sunday and that was wonderful. While all of this was happening, God presented me with so many opportunities to be of service and I took every single one. A part of me still struggles with the idea of a punishing God so I think I was afraid that if I didn’t take them, God would take my dog away. 

But I know that’s not how God works and I really really really had to force myself to NOT think like that while things were bad. God gave me all of these opportunities because nothing distracts you more than helping someone else navigate sobriety. 

So I don’t even know what I’m trying to say today. That I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I am grateful. I am sober. I am excited. I am nervous. All at the same time I am all of these things. 

If this has taught me anything it’s that so many things are just so trivial. My boy is ALIVE. Tim and I are SOBER. We had so much help and people who cared and showed up and helped and loved and prayed. My relationship with God changed. My relationship with myself is changing. 

The fact that we are all okay and we are sober (the dog is on a shit ton of drugs he’s definitely not sober but he’s definitely one of us now) and that we have so many people who love us and we love back is truly the most important thing. 

So, thanks for listening to me today. It’s not going to be 100% better anytime soon – I don’t know what 100% better even looks like right now. But I know that I am so grateful for each and every one of you. 

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xx  

Jane