Self-Care Practices

I’m grateful for having the financial resources to take care of my teeth since insurance coverage is absurdly lackluster. I’m grateful for investing in my health when for a while it was something I disregarded completely. I’m grateful for a partner who is being genuinely supportive through this arduous process. I’m grateful AA has taught me tools that let me work through problems rather than find shortcuts around them. I’m grateful to exist in an age where modern medicine has created some amazing tools that drastically improve our lives, in some cases nearly instantly. I’m grateful for becoming better at managing my finances such that emergency situations don’t totally derail me like they might have in the past. I’m grateful for a super early morning run where the weather was amazing and I got to witness all the off leash dogs enjoying themselves in the park. I’m grateful for logging my highest elevation gains since returning to Denver. I’m grateful for the reminder that I can no longer use control to try to change things that’ve already happened, but instead focus more on inhabiting acceptance, gratitude, and serenity. I’m grateful for the select few Zoom AA meetings I’ve cherished since the pandemic continuing to exist today. I’m grateful when Harper returns home tuckered out from a full day at daycare with his buddies.

I visited the dentist earlier this week. Somewhat embarrassingly I haven’t been there in ages. It was actually a reminder call from my veterinarian, who said I have Harper’s first teeth cleaning next month, that made me realize I should probably do the same. Going to the dentist after so long got me thinking more deeply about what I do nowadays to take care of myself to remain a sober, functioning adult.

Over the past 3+ years in AA my self-care practices have progressed by leaps and bounds. Back in those dark addiction days my mind was consumed solely by drinking. It didn’t matter if my abdomen was hurting, or if I was destroying relationships, or if I didn’t have enough money for food, I was obsessively focused on one thing: vodka.

With a lot of grace from my Higher Power and a lot of wisdom collected from AA literature and meetings, I’ve been able to figure out how to look after myself in a sustainable fashion. When I do so I know I can not only stay sober, but also be of service to my community. The eventual goal is of course becoming more adept at freely giving away this Program the way it was given to me.

To hold myself accountable around staying close to my self-care actions I thought it would be a valuable personal exercise documenting them. A little cheat sheet of sorts I can reference next time I’m feeling glum and be like, “Oh yeah, it’s because I’m not doing XYZ.”

Mental Self-Care Practices

AA Catchphrases/Acronyms

These have been super critical for me during moments of stress. With time and practice I’ve been better at recalling them in real-time such that I can quickly de-escalate my mind. Current favorite phrases that keep me in line include: PAUSE (Postpone Action Until Serenity Enters), HALT (am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If ‘yes’ to any, then address that before moving forward), THINK (is what I’m saying Thoughtful, Honest, Important, Necessary, Kind? If ‘no’ to any, then keep my mouth closed), KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid), Forgiveness Is Love In Action, This Too Shall Pass, My Conscience Always Keeps Score, Pain Is Inevitable But Suffering Is Optional, Just Let Go, and finally Time Takes Time.

Setting Boundaries

Something I discovered early in my journey is that part of not being a resentments-filled people pleaser is learning how to set boundaries. Boundaries usually means distancing myself from folks who I know are infringing on my serenity. It seems simple enough to say, but for this alcoholic actually doing it effectively took a while, and I still falter. However when I do it right, it makes me feel incredibly light.

Practicing H.O.W.

It’s cheating slightly because I could’ve categorized this under acronyms, but I wanted to separate it out because the ending of Appendix II in the Big Book contains this phrase and of late it has been particularly resonant. When I have to remind myself to do AA I know H.O.W. – I have to be ‘Honest’, ‘Open-Minded’, and ‘Willing’. I can easily close myself off from the world for a variety of reasons, but when I am actively doing those three things in every interaction then I feel more connected with my HP. I will say honesty is a big for me right now. I can tend to say little white lies to protect people’s feelings, but I now realize doing that only kicks the metaphorical can down the road. At some point I’ll have to address it head on. So honesty now means serenity also now.

Music & Podcasts

Listening to my favorite rotation of podcasts and playlists distracts me from whatever bit of news might be weighing me down. It shifts my thoughts towards something either more pleasant or more intellectually stimulating. Both serve in helping me move to the next thought more readily rather than inhabit a space (especially a negative one) for too long.

Talking It Out With Others | Social Relationships

Whether they be friends, family, fellows, or my partner getting out of my head is the goal and also being humble enough to receive their perspective. Going through those actions is always crucial in allowing me to calmly walk through any event. I’ve gotten a lot better at letting go of my “lone wolf” badge and have learnt how to be more open, more vulnerable, with others. Engaging in that regularly has interestingly given me more self-confidence too because I can present more authentically without fear of reproach.

Harper

Having a dog in my life forces me to be outside at regular intervals, teaches me how to get outside of self, and how to love another living thing that communicates in his own unique manner. I wrote a whole thing about it here.

Interior Design

This has become a serious passion of mine that started when I got my home in Queens and has continued expanding here in Denver. I love watching YouTube home tours to expand how I think about continually improving my own space. In sobriety caring about bettering my immediate surroundings reminds me I care about myself. When I care for myself I can more readily lead with love in more aspect of my life.

Candles

I never quite internalized how smell can play a powerful role in changing my mood. It was during the pandemic I discovered burning candles fills my surroundings with a pleasing odor, which without failed resulted in boosting my mood. This could be a subset of interior design, but I wanted to call candles out specifically because my rituals around maintaining candles such that they last longer folds into all this. So yeah, smell…who would’ve thought it could promote near instant mental serenity.

Technology Blackouts

I’ve been getting better at not bringing my phone on walks with Harper, not keeping it by my bed so it’s not the first thing I check when waking up, and generally becoming more conscientious about what content (and how much of it) I ingest throughout the day. Remembering that I grew up in the ’90s where I spent considerable amounts of time without technology at my fingertips is comforting because I know how to do that lifestyle. And doing that today gives me the ability to investigate my thoughts with greater clarity and quietude.

Comfort TV

It’s a similar feeling that I get from music, especially classic bops from my childhood, but sometimes I simply need to rewatch 30 Rock, The Good Place, or Parks & Recreation for the umpteenth time to regain my fortitude.

Physical Self-Care Practices

Running

This has been such a game changer for my serenity. Being outdoors and seeing the mountains daily reminds me of a power greater than myself. Plus getting the adrenaline pumping in a very focused and healthy manner provides me space from the world’s nonsense for at least an hour. After wrapping up my run I can return to the various tasks at hand with a fresher, calmer perspective.

Diet

While I could still get better at eating healthier despite being a lifelong vegetarian, the fact that I’m not inhaling Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, or whatever other junk food during my drunken binges is a huge step up nutritionally. Baby steps for sure, but I am eating regularly and that is a key component of my ‘HALT’ acronym from above.

Sleeping On Time

I’m so much better at sleeping regularly and therefore soundly. It helps having a dog and a partner who are both on regimented schedules, which encourages me to get to bed at a certain hour. Left to my own devices I can falter on this front and when I do the ramifications are unsurprisingly poor.

Hair Care

It may sound slight, but my hairline isn’t what it used to be in my 20s so practicing a specific care regimen has made me feel good about my hair situation. To me some of the external things do matter, like teeth and hair, so finding a good balance without veering into shaky self-esteem territory is something I’ve been able to manage in sobriety.

Spiritual Self-Care Practices

Daily Gratitude Texts

Like with running these have been a game changer ever since I started them 1.5 or so years ago. Throughout the day I make mental notes of the blessings in my life and when I sit down in the evening I write them all out. Usually it’s a 7-10-minute exercise of quieting my brain, reaching for my HP, and discovering the plethora of positives in my life. Discipline with this practice has built a vital mental muscle in my brain. The muscle lets me more easily pivot towards noticing the silver linings that are always there if I open myself up to them.

Writing

I had sort of forgotten how to write in long-form until I started on Substack. But being able to sit down and consolidate my weekly thoughts on sobriety, either for myself or in a more public forum, has been a game changer. Its invited me to converse with my brain, almost as if I’m having a one-on-one check-in conversation. The act of writing our conversation then further reinforces those ideas. The act of healthy internal introspection that writing affords me is an invaluable gift when it comes to staying close to my Higher Power.

Nature

Living in Colorado has increased my access to some epic nature. Simply existing in those environments brings such an immediate sense of calm, perspective, and spirituality.

Houseplants

This could be tied with Harper, but having a lot of house plants brings me a lot of personal introspection. Noticing the tiny ways they contort to find the sun, sprout new leaves over the course of weeks, react to the slightest changes in care reinforces my connection to everything around me. My plants are a microcosm of my relationship with the broader natural world and it’s humbling to be reminded of that each day as I go through the motions of their caretaking.

Reciting Prayers

I’ve shared before that there are only two prayers I recite regularly. The Serenity Prayer at the end of our AA meetings and the Gayatri Mantra, an old Sanskrit prayer I’ve known since childhood. Not only the content of these prayers, but also the act of saying them inevitably has a relaxing effect. In a Pavlovian way I’ve been trained to settle my thoughts whenever I let the recitation of these beautiful ancient words come out of my mouth. Someone shared a while back that actually pausing between the words of a prayer so as to elongate the time I spend with them is a form of meditation. I love that sentiment and it’s something I’ve used more regularly to keep in touch with my spiritual side.

Meetings

It’s all about getting out of my own head and nowhere do I experience that better than when I attend a meeting. Hearing how my fellows tread their sober paths is always immensely enriching. I get inspired, I get ideas, I get less lonely, I get wisdom that I store to use if not for today, then definitely for later on in life. Meetings connect me with my people and in those connections I better understand my Higher Power.

Sponsor & Sponsee Interactions

Similar to Meetings, these more intimate AA interactions are immensely rewarding, especially with the individuals who are supposed to keep me most closely tied to the Program. Everything I said about meetings rings true here as well.

Reading The Big Book

While I’m not yet one of those people who reviews pages 86-88 daily, I am part of groups where we go through the first 164 pages of the Book over the course of several months. Despite plenty of arcane 1930s language that perhaps doesn’t quite track in our current era, the sentiment of the words – and often the words themselves – still hold tremendous meaning for me. Rereading the Big Book is an exercise in humility where I am actively working to find points of understanding, points of commonality, rather than taking the easy route of criticism or judgement. Every time I review a chapter I find new meaning in how it impacts my ever evolving sobriety. To be reminded I am connected to a long lineage of people who’ve used this Book to find recovery is powerful.

Future Practices That Can Further My Self-Care

• Diversifying exercise routines: In particular think about strength training workouts that’ll help as I age. Also I want to play more sports. I was doing tennis for a bit until it got cold and I’ve always loved playing soccer so hopefully I’ll research those options as it gets warmer. It’ll also allow me to build up social connections, even outside of AA.

• More sponsees: The more I’m able to see perspectives on sobriety from others, especially a newcomer still learning their way, it further solidifies what works in me and what I need to change.

• Traditional meditation: There is something to be said about simply sitting in silence in one place. One day…🧘‍♂️

• Diversifying my AA literature: Drop The Rock is text I’ve heard a lot of good things about and rereading Living Sober has been on my To-Do list for a while.

• Reading in general: I do this in spurts where I’ll read a ton of books for three to four months and then zilch for the remainder of the year. The process of silently reading and being transported to different worlds via storytelling is an exercise I do find meditative in its own special way. I don’t have an excuse about trying to find the right books because I already have a trove of titles at home that I know I want to finish.

• More service: Especially at places like sober homes, rehabs, and jails.

• Creative hobbies: Drawing, carpentry work, needlepoint, piano – I’ve enjoyed all of these in spurts over my life, but I’d like to truly become an expert in some area that lets my creative juices flowing. Feeling creative in the past has always made me feel joyous.

• Therapist: I had someone briefly when I first joined AA. It wasn’t a fit, but one day I’d like to see, with the right person, what I can continue learning about myself in order to continue growing.

• Regular doctor visits: I’m realizing at 40 my body isn’t springy so I need to be better at regularly seeing medical professionals – get my annual physical, continue with me dental upkeep, optometrist check-ins, etc.

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