Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys

I’m grateful that despite the political shitstorm I found myself slowly being sucked into as the day unfolded I was able to stem a potential spiral by helping a newcomer who reached out, helming a cherished AA meeting, and going for a run where strong winds deafened my thoughts. I’m grateful for pushing myself to write in long-form when I wasn’t feeling it because in the end it did help me regain a sense of peace. I’m grateful to my grandfather for telling his grandkids during weekly havans to loudly repeat “I will always, always, always be disciplined” – a memory than once haunted me is something I now realize has served me well in life and in the context of AA. I’m grateful for my capacity to set boundaries is getting better. I’m grateful for learning about the extended version of the Serenity Prayer with added verses that also hold a lot of power. I’m grateful that it’s only T-2 days until Gaga’s new album is out.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” – I randomly heard this phrase a couple of times last week after never coming across it before in my life. Initially it made me chuckle just picturing the visual of me as a reluctant ringmaster. After giving it more thought I really started to dig into the deeper meaning.

With so much noise of late in both my immediate surroundings and the world at large, the repetition of this phrase has been liberating. I’ve been using it to trigger a series of thought progressions that help me retain serenity as much as possible while I navigate the complexities of my day.

Let Go

First part of remembering not to be the monkey ringmaster – letting go, avoid controlling behaviors. From my Step 4 work I know a strong defect of mine is control. I have a tendency to will things to be a certain way because that reduces future uncertainty and fear. Yet in doing that I’m only setting myself up for inevitable failure and resentment accumulation. So what do I need to do? Let go, believe my Higher Power has a plan that I can never decipher, and move onto….

Street Cleaning

Keeping my side of the street clean – the second step in my plan around ensuring the monkeys are at bay and I stick close to serenity. Knowing I cannot control other people’s reactions and only my actions, I have to invest in doing stuff that doesn’t cause hurt or harm so my conscience is clean. My actions must be tied to de-escalation of any tension while staying true to my values. Of course to ensure I don’t backslide into my vices, I must remain disciplined about my…

Routines

I won’t go in-depth here as I already wrote about them last week. I find sticking to my routines is kind of like paying insurance. I may not see all the benefits immediately, but when sh*t hits the fan knowing I haven’t gotten out of the habit of doing them will ensure my mindset is in fit form when those storms hit. And as with every storm in life, I hold onto the notion that…

This Too Shall Pass

Another phrase I ADORE in AA. After processing each of the above phases and finding the monkeys are still crazy close, I keep in mind that everything in life is transient, even the painful moments. At some point a new circus will come to town with a whole new troupe of chaos monkeys. It all has an endpoint though and in that understanding I find welcome solace.

I am always in deep gratitude when I realize what someone says at a meeting off the cuff causes me to reflect more deeply afterwards. “Not my circus, not my monkeys” has become the most recent example. Observing the cascade of thoughts that have solidified in my head after hearing this phrase has been super impactful in getting me through the week. I’m immensely grateful to that fellow for carrying the message. Hopefully I’ll see him again. There is such a beautiful butterfly effect phenomena when it comes to how shares in the rooms organically infiltrate our psyches. It’s one of the many gifts of being an alcoholic and having regular access to the wisdom embedded in our community.

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