To Surrender…Or To Accept?

I’m grateful for a run where the weather was perfect enough to motivate me to record my fastest mile splits in a long while. I’m grateful for a beautiful sunset drive to Golden to check out a new meeting. I’m grateful that my initial discomfort at being in a new meeting quickly melted away when I remembered the purpose for why all of us were there. I’m grateful for actively working on finding commonalities, not differences. I’m grateful AA has given me the framework to be less of a brat and instead discover paths that lead to constructive thinking. I’m grateful for a lead focused on Step 11, which got me reviewing the evolution of my relationship with prayer and meditation. I’m grateful for driving through the mountains and feeling deeply appreciative of how different my life has gotten over these past few years in sobriety. I’m grateful for the intangible gifts my parents gave me to live the life I lead today. I’m grateful for realizing my identity doesn’t need to be wielded as tool to ‘other’ myself. I’m grateful the zaniness of the world is something I can accept without letting it lead to self-destructive behaviors. I’m grateful for spicy Indian food that actually made me sweat. I’m grateful for visualizing a defect pass through me as it emerged, which helped significantly mitigate its impact. I’m grateful for the residual joy I still feel from last weekend’s adventures. I’m grateful for walks with Harper being opportunities to notice how much Spring is transforming our neighborhood.

A recent fellow’s share got me thinking about Acceptance and Surrender and what they mean for my Program. Are they the same? Are they different? If they are different, then in what ways?

Consider the below sentences:

“I accept a Higher Power in my life”

vs.

“I surrender to a Higher Power in my life”

Quick reflection makes me believe both words are fairly interchangeable, but the former is my preferred phrasing. I love the connotations around Acceptance. It sounds more inclusive, more gentle. It’s a word that can better get my mind on board with a new concept or challenge in AA because it invokes a sense of inclusion that is personally comforting.

Surrender on the other hand feels a bit more defeatist, more submissive to me. Like I need to experience loss before the possibility of gaining something, which certainly engenders a little extra pause. Additionally, for whatever reasons, Surrender seems more aligned with religious speak and that of course carries its own kind of baggage for me.

However using these words in other common AA sentences starts highlighting for me how different they can be. For example:

“I accept that I am an alcoholic”

vs.

“I surrender to being an alcoholic”

The above sequencing makes me rethink my hesitations around Surrender, or even believe these two words are interchangeable. My interpretation of the second line is that by Surrendering I invite more humility into my spirit beyond simply acknowledging the reality of being an alcoholic. I’m being more receptive to taking action by expressing stronger submission to my disease. Meanwhile Accepting something as being true doesn’t necessarily translate into my performing next right actions. It frames the idea in my head as mostly theoretical rather than grounding it. Conversely, my Surrendering to certain truths better primes my mind for taking actions in the real world that’ll truly transform me.

I suppose where I land with these two words is that both are important and also have distinct meanings for my sobriety. While Accepting something as being true comes more easily to me at present, I can still struggle with Surrendering to what the reality of that means. Surrendering is the greater lift since it pushes me to seek humility more often, which can be a taxing endeavor for this egotistical alcoholic. However it’s something I need to continually practice in order to uncover all the amazing gifts AA has to offer.