I'm grateful for how we help one another in AA because to truly get this means to give it away. I'm grateful for continuing to tackle my runs at a deliberate pace to ensure whatever soreness I was having is comfortably allowed to dissipate. I'm grateful for Harper's perfectly adorable new groom. I'm grateful for continuing to listen to Gaga's Mayhem album and uncovering new, fun layers from my favorite songs. I'm grateful for getting to lead my old NYC meeting where we delved into our relationship with religion and spirituality as members of the LGBTQ+ community. I'm grateful for certain prejudices I once had melting away thanks to being in this Program. I'm grateful to know if I lead with an open heart and mind I can grow so much. I'm grateful that, at least for now, I am finding true serenity in the rooms since I'm regularly shown how scary it is to still be out there. I'm grateful for cooking more at home of late. I'm grateful for the birds that were chattering up a melodic storm in our backyard. I'm grateful for the beauty I'm able to appreciate in simple living.
When first coming into this Program and realizing I can choose a Higher Power (shorthand: HP) of my own understanding, it was an exciting, liberating concept. The rigidity that defined my religious experiences had left a bitter taste so now, finally, I could break from those limitations and truly experiment. However, if I'm being totally honest, the opportunity also felt kind of daunting.
The structure religion provides can be warmly comforting in a chaotic, ever changing world. While AA's Steps (along with certain approved literature) provide guidelines for following the emotionally sober path, said path is pretty individualistic. For me it involves picking and choosing suggestions that I hear and read, and employing them at the right moments in order to feel spiritually connected. With a little sober time, keeping an open mind, and some active exploration I feel like the process of unlocking my personal version of HP has become one of the more exciting elements of my sobriety.
Over the years an element that has remained firmly constant in my HP search has been connection with nature. When initially presented with finding something greater than me the most obvious answer was the ocean. I lived in NYC then and often walked along the East River staring at the irrepressibly dynamic waves, in awe of the soothing yet powerful force of water. Fast forward to Colorado, where I now reside, bodies of water are less frequent, but the majestic snow-capped mountains have become new visual reminders of a huge world beyond my doorstep. From oceans to mountains these varied landscapes have been integral in teaching me about spirituality.
I've always been a visual learner, which is why I think nature has taken such a central role in defining my HP. As a kid I prayed to a variety of ornately carved Hindu statues for guidance. As a sober adult I've sort of transferred that muscle memory to the nature that surrounds me. Those human creations are slightly tainted for me, but nature remains pure, separate from our misbegotten constructs. I suppose why not project the feelings I once received from praying to plastic or marble statues to something much more ancient, epic, and beautiful?
Apart from nature's tangibility, it's what I actually feel when being in it, or looking at it, that is my reasoning for putting it on a pedestal. Nature opens the floodgates for my brain to think in out-of-the-box, highly theoretical ways that expand my relationship with HP. Observing those powerful East River currents or being in awe of the peaks in RMNP reminds me of just how small I am in the grand scheme of things. I'm lulled by these sceneries into embracing humility. Troubling matters are put into perspective and I more readily recall that my time on this planet is finite. Why waste it over petty feuds, perceived slights, or toxic vodka bottles? Such a birds-eye perspective opens me up to taking stock of what is real and important vs. what is fabricated and fleeting. Accepting truths that are foundational to my present life opens me up to practicing gratitude for what I have already have, which inevitably provides the sense of genuine serenity I'm always seeking.
This "flowchart" of mental states set off by nature is a process I'm constantly retreading to stay near my HP. Last Sunday I went on a solo hike with my dog. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Upon reaching the peak I noticed on one side the Denver skyline glittering far off in the distance. On the other side were the daunting 14ers that stood like stoic soldiers guarding something outside my view. The flood of emotions I felt from these paradoxical sights I can't quite convey with words. Suffice to say I felt tremendously blessed to have the chance in life to log such an experience. It was not too long ago where I nearly drank myself to death in a dark, closet-sized room in deep Brooklyn. Thankfully my story didn't end there. Somehow I found myself at the top of a random mountain in Colorado sober and content. I was feeling one with natural forces that were opening me up to appreciating the wondrous experiences provided by sobriety. It was my Higher Power showing me yet again that all will be okay.
