I'm grateful for a calm, cool run in the rain that energized me for the rest of the day. I'm grateful for being able to manage our basement situation in an even keeled manner. I'm grateful when perspective comes at opportune times in order prevent me from spiraling into a defect. I'm grateful for figuring out a way to work as Harper uses my entire lap and the majority of my arm to fall asleep. I'm grateful that my tendencies to be a creature of habit have transferred over to how I engage with this Program. I'm grateful for shares reminding me to truly appreciate that a lot of the basics in my life are covered and the need for more isn't always a required pursuit. I'm grateful for not fighting or fearing uncertainty, but rather using it as opportunity to grow with the Steps as an effective framework. I'm grateful for a passage about empathy I read years ago in "To Kill A Mockingbird", where Scout is standing on Boo Radley's porch for the first time, continuing to stick with me into adulthood.
I'm in a bit of stasis of late. On the whole life is humming along smoothly enough. However there are larger, more existential issues I need to address where I've not been making a tremendous amount of progress. Part of it is me dragging my feet out of fear since change potentially means introducing some imbalance. Another part is that certain decisions are beyond my control so there is not much I can do to move things along.
I wouldn't say I’m in a purgatory state because that suggests feelings of imprisonment, which is definitely too dark a framing. I think I sort of want to simply fast forward a few months to see where certain things land. I want the end result without having to go through the middle part of twiddling my thumbs. At one point vodka gave me the illusion that this is possible. Well, I found out the hard way the hollowness of such an approach. So what do I do in sobriety?
I simply have to continue appreciating the now. A quote I've loved for a while that I attribute to the Kung Fu Panda (yes, I know its origins definitely precede the movie) is when the wise turtle character says, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift - that's why it's called the present". Cheesy for sure, but personally it still hits. Especially in sobriety where I spend a lot of time focusing on the minute actions I take in a given day thanks to Steps 10-12 keeping me accountable.
My gratitude list, which takes ~10-15 minutes every evening, encourages me to reflect deeply on what has transpired over the past 24 hours. It's the small moments, the ones I could very well take for granted because they occur often, that pepper my list the most: Harper falling asleep on my lap, me successfully completing my run in the park, a pithy share I heard at a meeting, connecting with nature to gain perspective, etc. I enjoy the repetition of calling these out as it builds a muscle around recentering my spirit so when unhappy situations occur I can offset their power by quickly recognizing where my feet are today, the comparatively serene condition of my life right now. I am no longer a chaotic alcoholic. I've done the hard work to transform tremendously in sobriety. The exercise of writing seemingly repetitive gratitude lists trains my mind to go through life’s mental gymnastics with greater ease.
Acknowledging the tiny, serene, happy details that pepper my daily existence gives me the strength to better weather the crises of varying sizes that inevitably come my way. As stated, I do have some potentially large challenges ahead that I have varying levels of ability to effect. But I can't hold onto the idea of fast forwarding through them anymore. That was the old me, the alcoholic me speaking. I know by living in the reality of today, counting my myriad of blessings via my gratitude lists, I can slowly but surely make progress on chipping away at those looming issues without entertaining shortcuts.
