I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for catching up on reading, for the sun being out, for working from home and vacation soon. I’m grateful for AA, for my sponsor, for coffee and for our beautiful home. I’m grateful things have gotten better, I’m grateful we’ve grown so much, I’m grateful we get to continue growing.
Hello friends! Hope everyone had a nice weekend and to all the moms out there, hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day (which comes in all different shapes and sizes so however it looks for you I hope it was an okay/good/great day)!
It is Sunday night. I am in bed. I really don’t know what to write but I know that if I don’t write right now, I really won’t know what to write tomorrow morning then add in stress and feeling overwhelmed.
So here we are. What’s on my mind? A lot and nothing at all at the same time. My family and I are going to Disney next week so I have a ton to do. My sister is graduating college on Thursday and that’s wonderful!!! But also when did I get old?? I’m sad about leaving the dog (and Timmy too of course). Stressed about having the dog walker come (what if he gets hurt again?!?). Oh and I’m going to Denver a week after we get back from Disney so I’m sort of dizzy but also excited and scared and looking forward and nervous all at the same time (I will not bore you with a duplicity post for the 8000th time).
All of the business (and all of the things I get to be afraid about) are a gift. I am very grateful for this big life I have despite how lazy I currently feel. You know I was at a work thing last Thursday and long story short someone asked me when I graduated from high school to which they threw up when I replied 2017 but we started talking about where I was before my current job and they didn’t believe me when I said I was at my FIRST big girl job for almost 5 years. How could I?? I graduated high school in 2017??
Yes well I started really working when I was 19. At the peak of my alcoholism I also worked a big girl job and finished school. And to be clear I am NOT tooting my own horn here but it’s in fact one of those rare moments where I’m really fucking proud of myself. Adulthood is hard man but let’s tack on alcoholism and recovery too.
So yes I graduated high school in 2017. I finished college in December of 2020 and got sober January 2022. I am physically 25 but in my brain I’m 62 and I worked my little tail off to be where I am today, nothing of which was handed to me. Did I have help along the way of course, but I earned all that I have including my sobriety. Again to be clear I’m really not trying to go down the ego road, but these moments where I can look back and look around and presently be PROUD instead of wracked with fear about the future or shame about the past and genuinely fearing and I do hope one day these moments can last just a tiny bit longer.
So perhaps that’s what I’m trying to do right now before the craziness of tomorrow takes over. Just be in bed and be proud for a tiny bit longer. And maybe make someone else proud of themselves too. Because sobriety is a HUGE accomplishment. But every step forward whether it’s big or small is something to be proud of too. Every time you’ve maybe actually slipped backwards but continued to move forward anyway, that’s something to be proud of. Every time you didn’t want to but did anyway that’s something to be proud of. The times you didn’t want to or couldn’t even get out of bed but eventually you did, be proud. All those times you couldn’t stop doing what you’ve been doing forever and then one day something changed, that’s something to be proud of.
Not everything needs to be twisted into this conversation about our egos. Definitely let’s stay away from being arrogant, condescending dicks, nobody wants that. But sometimes it’s really okay to simply just be proud.
P.S. As suspected this fine Monday morning I am now stressed, overwhelmed, feeling guilty about going on vacation?? So fucking nervous about the dog and what will happen when he’s out of my sight but he got hurt when he was in my sight so there’s that too. THAT’S how fleeting the moment was, that’s why it was important to at least me, to write and read back this post.
Xx
Jane