By Teri KO4WFP Spring has arrived in Savannah bringing great POTA weather. There are still parks within a two-hour drive of my home QTH that I have yet to activate.  To check one more off the list, Daisy and I headed to Di-Lane Wildlife Management Area (WMA) this past Wednesday, March 26th. Di-Lane WMA (US-3744) … Continue reading More Dogs for the POTA Babe →

Friday, February 28, 2025, felt like another “rinse and repeat” day—a pattern I’ve grown used to over the past few weeks. That morning, I woke up early, published a post on QRPer.com, and by 7:30 AM I was outside with my chainsaw, preparing piles of tree debris for the skid steer operator we hired to … Continue reading Pairing the Elecraft K1 and AX1 for low-profile, low-impact portable POTA! →

I’m grateful for a super early morning. I’m grateful for Symphony # 31 in the dark. I’m grateful for a train trip later today and a hangout with my grandson. I’m grateful when people let me in. I’m grateful to get to be myself. I’m grateful to be sober today.

song of the week:

I’m going to tell you about a perfect moment that I got to experience earlier this week. To set the stage (and expectations), this was not the kind of “perfect” moment that involves the acquisition of a large sum of money, or th everlasting love of someone, or a lot of things. I guess what I’m trying to say is that while it’s going to seem like my perfect moment is kind of pedestrian, it’s a perfect moment in the sense that a couple of really funny things happened all at the same time.

So, as often happens on weekday mornings, I found myself on the subway. Many people don’t like the subway, they focus on things like the sometimes really terrible smells,1 the constant mortal danger, rats, the general level of cleanliness, things like that. I like and sometimes love the subway. I fell in love with mass transit around the same time I had my paper route. I was allowed to take the city bus from the stop by our house downtown by myself. I was 10 or 11. The equation in my paperboy head

Mass Transit = Freedom

I had $6 or $7 of free cash on a weekly basis, burning a literal hole in my jeans, and now, for 35 cents I got transported to happening downtown Iowa City where I could look to spend my Des Moines Register booty and plunder.2 These days, almost 50 years later, for only $2.90 I can pop up literally anywhere in this greatest city on earth. That is freedom. Spending a few decades as a car commuter in the Washington DC suburbs, well, I’m just going to tell you, this is way, way better.

There are aspects to my commute that I’m less fond of, like the young people who walk holding their phones in front of them, staring mindlessly at the lives of others unfolding before them—as they try to walk up the subway stairs. Also, tourists. Since my office is in a tourist high-density zone (the subway stop is Times Square), one must engage in a bit of broken field running to get where one seeks to go. 3

It’s Tuesday morning, a relatively busy day on the subway. I board my train at 86th Street, excellent skim cortado from the secret coffee place in my hand, music blasting through the airpods, sometimes maybe loud enough for other people to hear.4 It’s only 5 stops to Times Square and I know where to stand on the platform so that when we arrive at Times Square, I can make a beeline for the dreaded stairway. This is a potential choke-point, and the hordes of people lumbering up the stairs, staring at their phones, well, it kind of makes someone a little crazy. Like Ricky Bobby, I want to go fast.

This particular Tuesday, the door opened at 42nd Street and I was the first one out of the car and I was positioned perfectly, had only about 5 steps and then I was the first person on the stairs. This is a minor miracle, I don’t have to do the mindless shuffle or try to dodge around it—I jog up the stairs, drift diagonally across the rows of turnstiles to the far left, pushing through and then I’m only 5 big, long steps until I hit the exit stairs. I can smell the sweet, fresher air of freedom and liberty from here. I jog up the stairs, there is no one in front of me. I have achieved the mythical “first off the subway” status on a Tuesday in one of the busiest subway stations in the world.5

This whole time, the song I was listening to was coming to an end, and when I made the turn in the stairwell to mount the last set of stairs, a new song started and this song was not one that I had selected for this playlist, it was a Spotify suggestion and it was the song of the week. See, I told you this was going to sound underwhelming, so why did this strike me the way it did? This is where I get off the subway:

On Broadway.

They say the neon lights are bright on broadway, 
they say there is always magic in the air

I chuckled out loud and had a pretty big smile as I turned right on 41st street. For whatever reason, I had been feeling a little down and tired that morning, but now I was singing along in my head:

They say I won’t last too long on Broadway, 
I’ll catch a Greyhound bus for home, they all say, 
but there they’re wrong, I know they are, 
‘cause I can play this here guitar, 
and I won’t quit ‘til I’m a star, 
on Broadway.

I’m not aiming to be a star, and obviously don’t play the guitar, but I had a pretty big smile on my face as I navigated the cut-through to 42nd Street, past the Shake Shack, my office filling my vision and looming high in the sky.

One of my favorite passages in the Big Book is the oft-quoted paragraph on “acceptance” on page 417:

And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place or thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place or thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.…

One of the keys to my sobriety was realizing this passage also applied to myself. That unless I accepted myself, I could find no serenity. Until I accepted that I had been placed where I was meant to be placed at that moment, I could find no serenity.Until I accepted my alcoholism, I could find no serenity. You get the idea.

The circumstances that led to my arrival in New York were weird and random, to say the least. I was starting from scratch during the pandemic, and when I think back to those days, it makes a lot of sense that I would wake up in a near-panic every morning.

What the f*** was I going to do? What the f*** had I done to my life?

I began to learn how to navigate solitude. I began to learn how to avoid fixating on fixing things, and just live things. I tried to exert less control over my life, realizing somewhat bemusedly that I had so little power, no wonder it was such a frustrating pursuit. Bill W. describes self-centeredness as one of the great enemies of the alcoholic and decrees that the alcoholic ego must die in order to gain sobriety.

People have real issues with this—and for good reason, because it’s hard and goes against a lot of what you get taught: That life is a continual series of achievements that can be obtained, that life is about acquisition and making sure the people around you know how successful and smart you are. I know I believed that the point of life was to make a “big noise with all the big boys.” Sure, you can get a lot of stuff that way, and I certainly had a lot of stuff. My ex-wife still has a lot of it—beach houses and what not.

I could be bitter, starting over in New York at 60, trying to work my way back. 60 hour weeks when you’re 60 are no joke.6 Lots of my friends are retiring to sailboats and golf courses and I’m on the subway at 8:15 on a Tuesday morning—with a full, full, full day ahead of me. But that’s not how I look at it.

I struggled mightily to get sober. It took me ten really hard years of failure and loss and desperation to get one year of white-knuckled, antabuse-backstopped sobriety. Then I moved to New York, lived alone and began finding my way, bit by bit. Listening to music and exploring the city, riding the ferry, wandering in the museums or Central Park. I fell in love, really and truly.With the City of New York. No matter what happens in my life, no matter how sad or lost or lonely or overwhelmed I might feel, I know there is an antidote right outside the door.

I’ve learned there is very little that isn’t helped by a long walk in the park.

Maybe this could all of happened somewhere else, but I have a sneaky feeling that’s not true. One of the articles of faith in the Big Book is that we are placed where we may be of maximum service to whatever the great force in the Universe is up to.There is no point trying to figure out the angles on that; the only move is to do the next right thing and believe that the next right thing will happen. For a long time, I used to quibble with the Universe over what was “right;” it turns out we had very different ideas. One of us was very, very wrong.

I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I know I’ve been given another chance at life. I know I’ve been given the chance to build something and do something I love. I know my life has been blessed with love and redemption and grace. My arrival in New York surely did not seem like the start of a well-run, organized plan, but it was the start of a long-run of serenity.

Every day, I wake up to a city I love. Sitting in the dark, drinking coffee and watching the sun rise across the East River, with the Hopper-esque RFK bridge and smokestacks in the background, brings a bit of joy every single day. Maybe I could have gotten sober somewhere else, but I know I did, here in New York. I don’t think that was an accident. I’ve always had a sense this is where I’m meant to be, this place where there is always magic in the air.

Happy Friday.

I’m grateful for talking through tough situations with those whose opinions I trust – it’s such a gift getting out of my own head. I’m grateful for an anniversary meeting where folks who’ve known me since the beginning of my sober journey are celebrating their own special milestones. I’m grateful for a fellow sharing a favorite phrase of mine from the Big Book “trudge the Road of Happy Destiny”, which also reminded me that this is a journey, not a final destination. I’m grateful for allowing myself to go through the rough feelings I was experiencing and not adding to the agita by thinking why am I not behaving perfectly now that I’m sober. I’m grateful for the sponsee being a source of inspiration for how I invest in my own sobriety. I’m grateful for regularly participating in AA because I can feel it really paying off during the rougher periods. I’m grateful I’ve been able to maintain commitments to my Zoom and IRL AA meetings since both formats mean a lot to me. I’m grateful for delicious, crispy French Fries. I’m grateful for the conversations I have with my own mind nowadays – the content and tone are so much healthier.

My sponsee, who is moving to a new city soon, recently shared a beautiful journal entry on the dueling emotions he feels about this change. There is excitement and fear, hope and anxiety, confidence and doubt. He ended by saying he feels relatively at peace with having these concurrent light and dark emotions as that really is the crux of what it means to navigate life.

His conclusion is quite poignant. Being able to hold several competing truths at once and allow for their peaceful coexistence has been a sign of real growth for this alcoholic. During my drinking days I fought every conflict by more aggressively exerting my will because surely then would things fall in line. Obviously that approach lead to years of turmoil. When AA entered the picture I finally developed sustainable ways to find harmony with those ever-present internal tensions.

First off, AA reminds me to always have humility around accepting internal contrasts. By knowing I can never eradicate them, I can start from a place of reality rather than delusion. Where once I felt a magic potion like vodka could totally absolve me from any strife, the Program tells me to see where my feet are actually planted and grow from there.

Next, AA shows me how to allow for healthy reflection on my internal chaos in a balanced (almost objective) manner. By sitting with my emotions, letting them come and go without dwelling on any one for too long, it ensures attachments or resentments don’t prevent me from moving forward.

Finally, to move forward I’m taught by AA to adopt the tiny next right actions, which will in turn grant me proximity to my more constructive, more positive emotions. Exercise, writing, meditation, and prayer are the sort of actions that help me out here. Regularly acknowledging silver linings by doing these ensures the darker emotions never have a chance of truly overwhelming me.

But of course the negative stuff won’t forever be silent. It’ll always linger in the back of my head, occasionally taking a front seat. This is why the word “coexist” imprinted in my mind when I read my sponsee’s journal entry. A few years ago just an iota of negativity would push me towards a black out. Thanks to the Program I have gained the confidence in knowing I can coexist with my swirling thoughts, which is such a crazy miracle. With an head full of AA peace can always be found, even in the most chaotic corners of my mind.

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My friend Jonathan (KM4CFT) recently sent me a neat little prototype paddle he designed for the Elecraft KX2 and KX3 field transceivers. He wanted my feedback, so he generously sent me a set to evaluate at no charge. Lately, I’ve been tied up with the final stages of debris cleanup here at the QTH, leaving … Continue reading The New KM4CFT KX2 and KX3 Iambic Paddle Kit →

Many thanks to Scott (VA3EKR) who shares the following field report which was originally posted on his blog: March 23, 2025, Fletcher Creek Ecological Reserve, Puslinch, ON (CA-5363) by Scott (VA3EKR) Today was a nice day to walk around, though still a little chilly at around 0°C. Fletcher Creek Ecological Reserve is part of the Hamilton Conservation Area … Continue reading Diamond Achievement at Fletcher Creek: VA3EKR’s 50th POTA Activation! →

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a really chill weekend, for time with friends on Friday, for coffee and new books. I’m grateful for my family, for being able to help other people and for AA. I’m grateful for this incredible job that makes me happy, for getting dressed up today which will make me feel good, for this little routine me and the dog have fallen into. I’m grateful that HP has continued to keep us all okay.

Morning friends (: Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! Had a little name change over here – a rebrand if you would. I started this wonderful job where I finally feel exceptional as a good friend of mine has inspired me to feel at a job. BUT I work with a lot of talent who are themselves on Substack and I hesitate to tell them that I too am here, and here is all my knowledge about this platform, because of the subject in which I write about. 

I know I know. It’s not that I’m ashamed, I don’t care who knows I’m an alcoholic. It’s just that this space is so deeply personal to me. And I’m clearly not anonymous here, you all know truly the inner workings of my brain – but out there and in this case I think I’d prefer to hold on to my anonymity. So my cute little logo is still Miss Sober Jane but my ‘name’ is now MSJ and my personal publication is now Sober And The City. Any copyright lawyers here? Can I do that?

Anyway the point is I’m still me. Just choosing to be a tiny bit more anonymous I guess so I can continue to be completely and totally honest in a space where I feel completely and totally safe. 

So here’s the deal today peeps. Anyone else live in a bad neighborhood? Not physically, no no but the neighborhood between your ears. I would really love to know what it’s like to have a brain that does not constantly pick you (me) apart. Or that doesn’t lean negative. Last Monday and Tuesday I was feeling SO GOOD. Truly the best I have felt in a long time, I was feeling so much gratitude for our apartment, our neighborhood, having a happy healthy pup, a job where I feel fulfilled, Tim home from London. All of the things were just feeling great and then I woke up Wednesday on the metaphorical wrong side of the bed. I haven’t woken up on the right side just yet. 

So I’ve typed and deleted all of the possible reasons why at least a dozen times (financial insecurity, Upper West Side imposter syndrome, not feeling like I’m enough, feeling super uncomfortable in my body) and the bottom line is I am just too in my head. I’m in that bad neighborhood again where everything is over thought and I go around and around in circles with myself. And does anyone else struggle with once you’re inside your own head for too long it’s hard to get out?? 

I heard a woman at a meeting a few weeks ago talk about how she was really depressed this winter but because of this program she knows how to get through it. She’s been through it before she can get through it again and whether it’s three months or three days it does always pass. 

I think sometimes I set this really high bar for myself like – I have been sober for three years so I should in fact now be emotionally sober. I think I forget that I have gotten lost in my head many many many many times before and every single time I have gotten through it. I know how to get through it. It is simply not a matter of how much time I have, if I should or should not be feeling this way. 

Sometimes it really can just be I feel x, I have felt x before, I know how to navigate feeling x, and x will eventually pass. And of course with every day that goes by I learn more and more about myself. Especially all that has happened the past few weeks – through that I have uncovered so much about myself. But that’s another post for another day, 

Bottom line today is that sometimes the neighborhood in my head is really bad. Sometimes it’s really wonderful and sometimes I just have to ride out the bad because I know that I can. This program taught me how. And soon I will wake up on the right side of the bed again. 

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xx  

Jane

Many thanks to Dale (N3HXZ) who writes: “Thomas, Great response to your post [regarding the toughest CW paddles for field use]. What if we consider another idea: collecting the “Greatest Bloopers while Activating” shared by your readers? I can think of several I did, but what takes the cake is a buddy of mine who … Continue reading My Most Embarrassing Field Radio Fail (What’s Yours?) →

I’m grateful for breakfast with my favorite officer in the Navy. I’m grateful for a trip to see the adorable grandson. I’m grateful for time and perspective and healing. I’m grateful for doors not closing. I’m grateful for excellent coffee and a beautiful sunrise. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

On February 9, 2025, my good friend Vlado (N3CZ) and I headed out to Pisgah National Forest (US-4510) near Looking Glass Falls for a joint POTA activation. This is Part 2 of our activation — if you missed Part 1, you can check it out here! While I typically write much longer field reports, I’m … Continue reading QRP POTA with Vlado: Penntek TR-45L “Skinny” in Pisgah National Forest (Part 2) →