I’m grateful for breakfast with my favorite officer in the Navy. I’m grateful for a trip to see the adorable grandson. I’m grateful for time and perspective and healing. I’m grateful for doors not closing. I’m grateful for excellent coffee and a beautiful sunrise. I’m grateful to be sober today.
(last weekend)
On February 9, 2025, my good friend Vlado (N3CZ) and I headed out to Pisgah National Forest (US-4510) near Looking Glass Falls for a joint POTA activation. This is Part 2 of our activation — if you missed Part 1, you can check it out here! While I typically write much longer field reports, I’m … Continue reading QRP POTA with Vlado: Penntek TR-45L “Skinny” in Pisgah National Forest (Part 2)
I’m grateful to be up super early on a Friday morning. I’m grateful for sitting in the inky dark and listening to the wind. I’m grateful for letting go of what isn’t meant for me. I’m grateful for seeing the path. I’m grateful to be sober today.
song of the week:
This one was wardrobe-connected. The song of the week selection is chaotic to put it mildly, wildly veering from song to song, crossing genre boundaries, and, not to complain, but it does place a strain on me. Sometimes, there will be a white-light shining on a certain song and I will spend the week composing the essay in my head around the many lessons that can be learned from these very wise songs, and a lot of the time it even has to do with alcoholism and recovery.
But then, riding a caffeine-fueled wave of exuberance and zeal, I sit at this keyboard and I just can’t bring myself to do it. That is why this song is not the song of the week more often:
Anyway, as I traversed midtown in the a.m. yesterday, dodging tourists and scowling at slow walkers, and maybe listening to Bananarama, I caught sight of myself in the window of the Paris Baguette at 41st and Broadway: I was wearing a blue blazer with a sweater underneath, a checked shirt, lighter colored khaki pants and white sneakers. I shook my head in disbelief. I knew who I had become:
The Captain in The Captain and Tennille. You heard this song roughly everywhere in the middle-70’s. I mean everywhere. I remember hearing it on the transistor radio of an Iowa City Transit System bus driver (he had it hanging by the strap on the fan arm. The television interviews were pretty hilarious because Toni Tennille was charming and beautiful and engaging and Captain Daryl was just, well, wearing that captain’s hat and a blue blazer without any real discernible reason.
That was not the look I was trying to capture, but we had a busy day ahead, so the only option was forward. I don’t want to go too far afield, but there is a mild controversy playing out over my grandparent name. To be clear, I was asked if I had a preference for the name my astonishing grandson might use to affectionately seek my assistance in skirting some unreasonable rule imposed by his parents or covertly obtaining some item or comestible that was being denied him. After being asked, and I do want to emphasize that I was asked, I did not raise this topic myself, I said,
My daughter so far says “no.” In the interest of family harmony, I’m not pushing the issue right now, and also, the plan was always to go directly to the child on this, I’m not looking for the parental sanction. By the way, I get to spend next weekend serving in a semi-custodial role for the young lad and couldn’t be more excited. I see this as the first opportunity to begin the his education and we will likely start with why the Designated Hitter Rule is just garbage and ruining baseball.1
I had the opportunity to qualify at a meeting last weekend—and not just any meeting. It’s a meeting called “No One Left Behind,” and it’s exclusively on Zoom. When I moved to New York in 2020, during the tail end of my first year of sobriety I began going to this meeting every day at 12:30pm. Everyone was a bit shell-shocked by the onset of the pandemic and adjusting to the new reality of Zoom AA meetings. I remember qualifying at that meeting on the occasion of my first anniversary of sobriety.
You might have already guessed this, but I often don’t strictly follow rules or guidelines. I’m a lawyer, so this can get dicey quick and I try to limit this to my personal life, as opposed to what I do on behalf of clients. Anyway, people will often advise taking it easy during that first year of sobriety. Well, I sold the house I was living in, ended a relationship and decided to make a major move to a city where I had never lived and didn’t know that many people. During the Pandemic.
I look back and don’t know how I made it to October 22nd of 2020 still sober. I have a much better grasp on how my sobriety grew from that point and turned into more than five years of renewal and change. Here’s what I did:
I got a sponsor and listened to him
I went to AA meetings and listened to people with a lot of sobriety talk
I read the Big Book
I worked the Steps
I read the Big Book some more
I developed a sense of gratitude
Back during the dark days of 2021, this meeting at 12:30 pm on Zoom was often my only real activity of the day and sometimes my only real contact with other people. I sat in my kitchen and sometimes ate lunch while I listened to people describe how they had gotten sober and how they were staying sober. That meeting was a lifeline.
I was really excited to have the chance to tell my story again at this meeting—especially since this meeting had played such a significant role in helping me navigate early sobriety. I kind of wish I had copies or recordings of my different qualifications over time—I think it would be fascinating to see the evolution in my thinking. From plaintively complaining that if other people could only do what they were supposed to, my path to sobriety would be much easier, to finally seeing that I was the problem. Well, it would be fascinating to see that.
I think the fundamental challenge of recovery is not stopping drinking or using, it’s changing the way one thinks.
I don’t plan out too much what I’m going to say, I like to see where things go. I found myself talking about gratitude, how doing a gratitude list helped me slowly change my perspective on the world and my place in it. I talked about my ten years of failed efforts to get sober and the reason behind every single relapse:
For sure, there were other obstacles and issues, but that inability to imagine being able to live life without drinking is what kept me tethered to all of those lovely bars in my neighborhood. In those dark days of 2021, it wasn’t clear what was going to happen in the world and there was even less certainty around what was going to happen to me. I didn’t have a job, the sports industry wasn’t doing much hiring and I was starting over in a new city as a 60-year old.
I’m not going to retell all of the stories about how beautiful people improbably showed up in my life to help me get to where I needed to go, like stepping stones across a stream. What unlocked all of that for me was gratitude. Building a sense of gratitude helped me find the meaning in sad and disappointing outcomes, helped me to see that I was actually taking some very tentative steps on the right path (finally).
But a grateful heart is not enough. It was the hard work of the Steps and ingesting the true lessons of the Big Book that helped drive the insane clowns from the sewers of my brain. The key to that hard work is willingness. When I first got drunk at Deak Rummelhart’s house, besides the trampoline, I saw a white light—this was how life could be if I just drank every day. I saw the same white light when I finally understood the passage about “Willingness:”
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.
I’d read that passage plenty of times and it never really registered. But after the necessary foundation of time not drinking, time spent thinking, time spent reading the Big Book and listening to other alcoholics, that message finally found fertile ground. I like to think of the daily gratitude lists I was writing as seeds in my garden. When carefully tended and planted in the right place, those seeds of gratitude sprout into something magnificent that shoots out of the soil:
It was spending those often lonely, dark mornings coming up with things I could be grateful for outside of coffee or warm socks or whatever, that tended the garden that eventually produced willingness. As I wrote those gratitude lists every morning I started to see that there was a place for me, that there was a path for me, there was a life I could lead and build and be proud of. I saw the lessons I needed to learn. I let myself feel things and finally saw that even the most desolate moments pass. I started to notice that the sun came up every single day.
As things began to come into focus, it was almost impossible to not feel that sense of willingness. I saw there was so much beauty, so much meaning, even in moments of loss. It was kind of impossible to not acknowledge the possibility that there was a power greater than myself in the Universe. And even more importantly, I realized for the very first time that his power was capable of restoring me to sanity, helping me lead a sustainable, sober, happy life.
So much has changed in my life over the last 5 years. So much. That was my takeaway after qualifying, that the life I lead today was unimaginable four years ago, and certainly 10 years ago. It was gratitude and willingness that finally helped me find the path back to myself.
To be honest, I don’t think anyone other than me knew who Daryl Dragon was yesterday, much less how he dressed in the 1970s. To be honest, I don’t really care what that adorable little boy calls me. I’ve been given a miraculous gift that 10,000 gratitude lists wouldn’t be enough to deliver sufficient praise and thankfulness. Fortunately, that’s not the job. Here’s all I have to do: When the sun comes up tomorrow, and it will, I just have to find three or four things to be grateful for—and then my heart will do the rest.
Happy Friday.
I’ve also had the semi-awkward conversation about how young R. is already destined for a life as a Cubs fan. As I said in that conversation, I know he was born in Boston but the Cubs thing skips a generation and he’s up. I don’t make the rules.
Radio Adventures on the Outer Banks of North Carolina by Bob K4RLC & Alanna K4AAC February 2025 My YL Alanna K4AAC had been advocating for a trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for some time. She had never been there to see its incredible natural beauty, and I had not been … Continue reading QSO Party, POTA, and a Touch of Winter: Bob and Alanna’s Radio Adventures on the Outer Banks
I’m grateful for access to specialized AA meetings because they allow opportunities to speak more freely and more broadly on a variety of topics. I’m grateful for the reminder that my troubles can become my assets. I’m grateful for the diverse discussion prompts found in “As Bill Sees It”. I’m grateful Harper’s dental procedure went smoothy. I’m grateful for walking around Denver more as the weather gets warmer – even if the streets aren’t conducive to pedestrians, it still gives me a better sense of the city. I’m grateful for Service being more and more of an essential outlet for my sobriety. I’m grateful when I get to hear a hardcore Queens accent again – it makes me nostalgic. I’m grateful for my ability to find community IRL or via technology. I’m grateful for understanding that the barriers I establish nowadays aren’t meant to close myself off as much as to keep my serenity intact. I’m grateful for listening to Lady Gaga’s deep cuts to keep my motivation high while running against some strong winds in Cheesman Park.
The idea of “false summits” was brought up at a meeting recently and it immediately caught my attention. The basic premise being when we believe we’ve reached the top of something there is always another summit, previously invisible to us, that now becomes our new pinnacle. This is pertinent for mountaineers in a very real way, but in my head I took the more conceptual approach.
Journey In AA
First idea that came to mind around false summits is tracking my accomplishments in AA. Embracing that I am an alcoholic certainly took many years. Once I gained the self-knowledge I had a problem and required some type of recovery Program, I had in some ways reached a “summit”, a.k.a. a new milestone of understanding around my addiction. However there were many more peaks I needed to tackle in order to re-enter society: engaging a Sponsor, working the Steps, going to Meetings, being of Service, etc. All of these have been key summits I’ve checked off to some extent in my recovery. They are never truly completed though. New ones are constantly emerging as life continues and my sobriety evolves. I’ve come to realize that it’s actually the journey between the peaks when I learn and grow the most.
More, More, More
Another reason why the false summit topic imprinted on me is because I can often find myself incessantly coveting more. More of anything really. Whether it’s shopping, sweet foods, binging a show I should be savoring, the need to consume insatiably is hard to resist. Society of course reinforces the importance of this so I always have a little voice telling me there is undoubtedly something better, shinier around the corner. When I get into that trap, those fleeting dopamine hits simply set me up for quick downfalls until the next time I create a shiny new peak to covet. I need to learn to not allow any of those shiny things to define my personal happiness or self-worth. ‘More’ today can quite often mean ‘Less’ for me down the road.
Acceptance & Gratitude
Given the inherent trickiness of all these pseudo peaks, I find the most serenity in consistently holding tight to Acceptance and Gratitude. AA reminds me over and over that I must pause, accept the reality of my present state, and actively find gratitude for the gifts already in my possession. Regardless of whether I’m climbing up or down the mountain, as long as I realistically acknowledge where my feet are planted and I am able to count my blessings then I have a better chance of not being swayed by those changes in elevation. Crucially, my daily investments in Acceptance and Gratitude ultimately make me a more Willing individual as well. When I have easier access to Willingness it lets me weather the new summits that life is constantly revealing to me. I can adopt the can-do, roll-up-my-sleeves attitude with greater ease, lean on my trusty AA hiking poles for support, and keep peacefully trudging the highs and lows of being a sober human being.
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the good memories, for my family, that TIm is home from London. I’m grateful for my friends and being able to celebrate them. I’m grateful for AA, for our new home, for my sponsor, for my happy pup. I’m grateful for the flowers on the island, to feel okay, and to know that the bad things will pass.
Hey friends! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend as always (:
I’m not sure what to write about today. Being that it’s St. Patty’s I should probably write about that but I gotta be honest guys – I am Sicilian, Russian, Polish, Dutch, a little bit of German and Scottish and not a lick of Irish. Can’t tell yah that this is a holiday I went hard for BUT I do think it’s cool they make the river green in Chicago…any Chicago locals here?
BECAUSE I am writing to you all on this lucky day I am obliged to remind everyone Irish or not, no one has to drink today. It’s really just another day and I promise no luck of the Irish is worth going out for. The day will pass like all the other’s and while everyone else will be waking up hungover on Tuesday we will not and if that’s all that gets you through today that’s fine by me. Who wants to crawl to work feeling like their stomach is in their throat and their head is on a swivel. Not worth it!!
I happened to spend this morning at the DMV of all places surrendering my NJ license in exchange for a NY license and again I gotta be honest I’m a little sad. If anyone questioned my New Yorkerness I would be very upset…I’ve been here for SEVEN YEARS that’s a long time and I’m definitely a New Yorker but… I grew up in New Jersey. The sweet old Jersey Shore & not the Jersey Shore of the show but the shore of ‘local summer’ in May and September. Late night drives to the beach, Stay Gold my favorite coffee shop on the corner of 10th Ave & Main Street (regrettably now closed). Walks to the Shark River where we could walk SO far out when the tide was low. The Monmouth County fair, the Fireman’s fair, visiting my dad after class when I had dual enrollment my senior year of high school. Ah senior year, when my drinking wasn’t great but I was still just a kid (definitely an alcoholic then but pre NYC clubs, promoters, falling in trash on the sidewalk alcoholism).
The winter before my friend L. died we went back into the woods and ‘sledded’ down the very very small hills. My dad taught me how to drive in the Camp Evans parking lot. We used to go to flea markets at Allaire State Park which is ALSO where I took photos ( as a second shooter) at one of my very first weddings. I ‘ran away from home’ on my little pink scooter and was headed to my nana’s house in Shark River before my parents came and stopped me.
I used to struggle with how I love New Jersey but I also love New York. I love rock but I also love country. I love the beach but I also love the mountains in Arizona. It all felt very conflicting like I couldn’t love two opposites at once.
But now I understand I love New Jersey AND I love New York. I love Tool AND I love Tim McGraw. I love Ocean Ave AND I love CamelBack. All of those things make me who I am. The emotional alcoholic who loves and cares with my entire heart, who wears her feelings right on her sleeve (you actually can tell exactly how I’m feeling just by looking at me but whatever).
So I guess you can call me officially officially a New Yorker. But New Jersey will always be in my heart. Along with everything else that makes me, me. And that’s not conflicting at all, it’s actually quite beautiful.
So happy St. Patrick’s to all my Irish and non Irish folks alike, I hope you have a beautiful, green, sober day.
xx
Jane
On Friday, March 7, 2025, Vlado (N3CZ) and I made our way to the Charlotte Hamfest — and what a fantastic trip it was! We hit the road Friday morning and arrived in Concord around lunchtime, where we met up with our dear friend Phil (W9IXX) at Captain Steve’s Family Seafood Restaurant. The food was … Continue reading 2025 Charlotte Hamfest Recap: Radios, Bargains, and Good Friends
I’m grateful for seeing what I couldn’t. I’m grateful for schnitzel and real friends. I’m grateful for a super foggy day. I’m grateful for farmers markets, bookstores, and, of course, record stores. I’m grateful to understand I’m placed where I need to be placed. I’m grateful to be sober today.
(last weekend)
Tomorrow (Sunday, March 16th, 2025), I’ll be participating in the Ham Radio Workbenches On The Air (HRWBOTA) event from 1800 to 2200 UTC (2 PM to 6 PM Eastern). I’ll be operating QRP and portable, weather permitting, from a POTA site. I’ll mostly be using CW from 10 to 40 meters. If you’re learning CW … Continue reading Join Me for Ham Radio Workbenches On The Air — Sunday, March 16th!
On February 9, 2025, my good friend Vlado (N3CZ) and I headed out to Pisgah National Forest (US-4510) near Looking Glass Falls for a joint POTA activation. This is Part 1 of our activation — and while I typically write much longer field reports, I’m still in the final stages of Hurricane Helene debris removal … Continue reading QRP POTA with Vlado: Elecraft KX1 in Pisgah National Forest (Part 1)
