Oregon Coast POTA Rove by Dan (N7CQR) Last December (2024), I was planning a trip with friends to Tucson, AZ, while my wife was traveling abroad. I enjoy the opportunity to go somewhere warm during the winter if possible. Alas, the trip fell apart, and I decided to take the opportunity to spend a week … Continue reading QRP by the Sea: Dan’s POTA Rove Along the Oregon Coast →

I’m grateful that despite the political shitstorm I found myself slowly being sucked into as the day unfolded I was able to stem a potential spiral by helping a newcomer who reached out, helming a cherished AA meeting, and going for a run where strong winds deafened my thoughts. I’m grateful for pushing myself to write in long-form when I wasn’t feeling it because in the end it did help me regain a sense of peace. I’m grateful to my grandfather for telling his grandkids during weekly havans to loudly repeat “I will always, always, always be disciplined” – a memory than once haunted me is something I now realize has served me well in life and in the context of AA. I’m grateful for my capacity to set boundaries is getting better. I’m grateful for learning about the extended version of the Serenity Prayer with added verses that also hold a lot of power. I’m grateful that it’s only T-2 days until Gaga’s new album is out.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” – I randomly heard this phrase a couple of times last week after never coming across it before in my life. Initially it made me chuckle just picturing the visual of me as a reluctant ringmaster. After giving it more thought I really started to dig into the deeper meaning.

With so much noise of late in both my immediate surroundings and the world at large, the repetition of this phrase has been liberating. I’ve been using it to trigger a series of thought progressions that help me retain serenity as much as possible while I navigate the complexities of my day.

Let Go

First part of remembering not to be the monkey ringmaster – letting go, avoid controlling behaviors. From my Step 4 work I know a strong defect of mine is control. I have a tendency to will things to be a certain way because that reduces future uncertainty and fear. Yet in doing that I’m only setting myself up for inevitable failure and resentment accumulation. So what do I need to do? Let go, believe my Higher Power has a plan that I can never decipher, and move onto….

Street Cleaning

Keeping my side of the street clean – the second step in my plan around ensuring the monkeys are at bay and I stick close to serenity. Knowing I cannot control other people’s reactions and only my actions, I have to invest in doing stuff that doesn’t cause hurt or harm so my conscience is clean. My actions must be tied to de-escalation of any tension while staying true to my values. Of course to ensure I don’t backslide into my vices, I must remain disciplined about my…

Routines

I won’t go in-depth here as I already wrote about them last week. I find sticking to my routines is kind of like paying insurance. I may not see all the benefits immediately, but when sh*t hits the fan knowing I haven’t gotten out of the habit of doing them will ensure my mindset is in fit form when those storms hit. And as with every storm in life, I hold onto the notion that…

This Too Shall Pass

Another phrase I ADORE in AA. After processing each of the above phases and finding the monkeys are still crazy close, I keep in mind that everything in life is transient, even the painful moments. At some point a new circus will come to town with a whole new troupe of chaos monkeys. It all has an endpoint though and in that understanding I find welcome solace.

I am always in deep gratitude when I realize what someone says at a meeting off the cuff causes me to reflect more deeply afterwards. “Not my circus, not my monkeys” has become the most recent example. Observing the cascade of thoughts that have solidified in my head after hearing this phrase has been super impactful in getting me through the week. I’m immensely grateful to that fellow for carrying the message. Hopefully I’ll see him again. There is such a beautiful butterfly effect phenomena when it comes to how shares in the rooms organically infiltrate our psyches. It’s one of the many gifts of being an alcoholic and having regular access to the wisdom embedded in our community.

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Many thanks to Hamilton (KD0FNR) who writes: Hamie (KO6BTY) and I have been playing with mapping our QSOs for a few years now. We evolved from ionosonde data and Google Earth to data from an NOAA model called GloTEC, (Global Total Electron Content), and Cesium Ion maps. Out of that, we have an app up … Continue reading Mapping the Ionosphere: Hamie and Hamilton’s GloTEC-Powered F2 Layer App →

A few weeks ago, Neil (G7UFO) reached out to let me know that he has started producing and selling 3D-printed magnetic cases for the BaMaKey TP-III. He generously sent me one to check out, and I have to say—it’s a great option if you’re looking for a simple way to protect your TP-III when tossing … Continue reading G7UFO’s Magnetic Case for the BaMaKeY TP-III Paddle →

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for our new apartment, to be living on the Upper West Side, for my parents coming up to help, for all of my friends. I’m grateful for a safe trip to and from Palm Springs, for AA and for my sponsor. I’m grateful for being able to walk to meetings again, to feel at ease, for the flowers on the island from my mom. I’m grateful for where we landed after all of the pain.

Hello friends! Hope everyone had a nice weekend as always and I PROMISE…soon I will come to you live on a Monday morning soon. For now, it is Sunday as I type yet again except this time I am firmly planted on the ground in my new apartment where I feel safe and honey and not like I’m going to be attacked at any minute.

But first – Palm Springs. What an absolutely gorgeous place. If you have never been you are literally nestled in between mountains that you can basically touch, the weather is gorgeous and I cannot possibly think of an acceptable reason to ever leave.

True to form though I am an East Coaster at heart and I did come home from the mountainous oasis. There was of course, lots of other people drinking. Someone asked me if I had ever had a drink ever in my life and it took everything in me not to keel over laughing. There were LOTS of mocktails available and I had absolutely no desire to drink. It amazes me truly how through all of this I have not wanted to drink.

So I came home, Tim left for London the next day and the day after that we picked up and moved. I cannot even tell you how relieved I feel. And I know I’ve said it 10000 times but I will say it again:

Through this awful, horrible time where I have never felt more powerless in my entire life, it has also been the most beautiful time. We had an army of people show up for us, God put everything we needed, every solution, every finance, our new home, right in our path. We’ve had so much help and have been shown so much love. I started a new job where I feel so fulfilled and happy and excited to go to work again. Timmy and I celebrated three years together. I celebrated another year sober. The power of AA, the power of sobriety has been so clearly in my face that I am not sure if I can ever doubt that power ever again.

God will only give you what you can handle as the saying goes and let me tell you I am TAPPED OUT. I can handle nothing else and I really need a break. But I cannot let it get lost how life changing in the best possible way this all has been.

So thank God I didn’t pick up a drink. Because I would have missed all of this.

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xx

Jane

Dear Readers, Just a quick note to apologize for the delay in responding to emails and comments. This and the past couple of weeks, I’ve been spending all of my free time chainsawing and preparing Hurricane Helene tree debris for removal by FEMA. I’ve hired a skid steer operator to help move the debris to … Continue reading Catching Up Soon—Hurricane Cleanup and Charlotte Hamfest →

Activating on the Road:  Gems Along the Way – Part 1 by Brian (K3ES) This two-part article continues my series from our 2024 road trip across the United States (Six Weeks and 7300 Miles:  Activating on the Road).  I hope to wrap up the series with one or two more articles (not yet written) over … Continue reading Activating on the Road:  Gems Along the Way – Part 1 →

I’m grateful for a really, really early morning. I’m grateful for a bright fire and a very dark, cold sky. I’m grateful for the feeling when the bat hits the ball. I’m grateful for time with my son. I’m grateful to be sober today.

A Note from Management:

Before plunging on with the one, the only, the maybe-not-as-renowned-as-it-should-be, the Sunday Gratitude Extravaganza1, we would very much like to thank all of you for all of your support. We are especially grateful for all of the new subscribers! We considered doing a “New Subscriber Spotlight,” but since we deal with a lot of alcoholics and addicts here, we thought that might not necessarily be appreciated.2

I know I speak for Jane and Sean, we’re very grateful for the chance to share what we get to share with you. Speaking for myself, I am especially grateful because I know how important this has been for my own sobriety. We would very much like to extend the sharing thing to you, our beloved audience of loyal subscribers. If you’d like to share a gratitude list, or even write something about your story, we’d love to start featuring those.3 We can do it anonymously or we can be super public about it—this would be up to you. The first step is getting in touch with us. You can send us a message here somehow, or you can email us at ThanksFLMS@gmail.com.

Somehow, it doesn’t seem right to do what I’m about to do, but you loyal readers know that this alcoholic developed the uncanny ability to ignore that troubling feeling and just plow forward:

We’d love to have you consider a paid subscription.

We’re not in this for the ca-a-a-ash. Like they say in AA, we’d rather have you than your money, but if we could have both? Anyway, we love getting to do this (it has me on my laptop at 5:20am) and we appreciate your support no matter what. But if you enjoy this and think that you’d like to send us to breakfast sometime, we’d be very down with that. Anyway, thank your for your support, we hope to hear from you!

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LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

I’m grateful for a sunny Friday morning. I’m grateful for the end of February. I’m grateful for really cool opportunities. I’m grateful for all of the hanging in. I’m grateful for where I’m going. I’m grateful to not know where that is. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

I f***ing hate February. I have my reasons (don’t worry, we’re going to be exploring that in depth). February is my personal Bermuda Triangle, where I suddenly find myself lost in a whole different world. I look back at previous Februarys,1 It’s like I’m watching a movie of someone else doing really disastrous stuff, squirming in my seat, hoping against hope, you’re not really going to do that, are you?

It’s a hard movie to watch because he always does.

I’ve been sober for more than five years at this point, and I still have these moments wherein I very lucidly remember something I did or said back in the olden days (or a combo of saying and doing) and just feel an instant wave of revulsion and regret wash over me. I imagine the faces of the people on the receiving end of my nonsense, the looks of pain and disappointment and fear in they eyes of the people who loved me, the people I hurt so badly. There’s a lot of residual shame that wells up and washes over me, kind of the way oatmeal will foam over the top of the pot if you’re not paying attention.2

February is like walking in a graveyard for me; wandering in the darkness between the tombstones and having to remember a lot of what happened. On top of this, there is a pretty strong seasonal component to the depression that has been a companion to me for most of my life. It’s funny, because I get about one-third of the way through February and think, this is not so bad, maybe things are getting better. Then kaboom, I’m sitting on the sofa and even the prospect of chinese food being delivered to my apartment is not enough to rouse me from my torpor.

It’s actually quite a bit worse than that. I’ve had lots of Februarys to observe the phenomenon and I know that it follows pretty much the same course. I start to feel tired all of the time, but have serious difficulties sleeping. Even things I cherish and love seem not so appealing and it’s hard to muster the energy to do things, enjoy things, care about things. I get sick a lot in February.

As things grow a little darker, I begin questioning myself and what I’m doing. I note for myself the absurdity of the things I’m pursuing, the impossibility of what I’m trying to do, the ridiculousness of the things I dream about. All of the good stuff in my life recedes, like I’m looking through the telescope backwards, and I feel lost and lonely and things just seem very, very dark.

Of course, part of the problem is that February is kind of a dark month and it comes after January, which is light-wise, very, very dark. Physically, I know this is part of the problem, However, I will note that even the year that I lived in sunny Florida through the dreaded February doldrums, well, they were still the February doldrums. Did I mention that Februarys have been super eventful for me and not in the good way?

I got engaged twice and married once in the month of February.3 I’ve had two really important relationships end in February. I had to report back to sleepaway rehab one February. I got tossed out of an IOP in February.4 I’m sure some good things have happened, I just don’t seem to be able to recall them off-hand.

I know enough these days to just hunker down when February comes and stock up on the pop-tarts and Apple Jacks.5 My strategy these days is to wait it out and try to limit the amount of self-reproachment that usually goes on. YouTube is a pretty potent ally in the waiting it out phase, but even YouTube could not prevent me from dangerously falling in love again during this very dismal month.

I’m talking about the song of the week now. YouTube suggested this video to me and I was instantly seduced by the leisure suit, if we’re going to be honest. My Grandpa B had a leisure suit in almost this exact color in 1975, also worn with the cuffs unbuttoned. One difference: Instead of the mod turtleneck sported in the video, Grandpa B preferred a shirt and tie and buttoned up the front of the leisure suit. Two differences: Grandpa B did not get down like this:

Not to go on too long, but I can’t stop listening to this. I have been working on the adjust the glasses wink and smile move—there is a lot of power in that. This is the part where I would start blabbing on at length about the way I made it through this February was with self-love and honesty and compassion and acceptance, it feels like that’s all I talk about anymore. I’m going to tell you how I got through February:

I raw-dogged it.

This is not necessarily what you think,6 it’s something you see on social media wherein younger people do the unthinkable and unplug from their devices for unimaginable periods of time—like sometimes hours. They confront their demons and let their brains be occupied by nothing but their own thoughts and imaginations during multi-hour plane flights or even train rides to the Hamptons. On this basis, I’ve raw-dogged my entire life— from 1962 until the early 2000’s. But enough bragging.

I knew February was going to suck. I’m generally a pretty positive person, but let’s just call it for what it is:

February is a garbage month.

That’s my opinion. Some of you like February and that’s cool. Some people even look forward to Valentine’s Day or the Super Bowl or all of the other great stuff that goes on in February. My view and my view alone: If it’s so great, why are there only 28 days of it.7 Also, what the f*** is up with the groundhog? Seriously? If the highlight of February is a rodent predicting weather, I think I’m just going to stay in my den and let the rest of you drink it all in.

Random thought: Maybe bears suffer from depression and hibernation is not just about sleeping?

So, I raw-dogged February. I knew it was going to suck, I knew I was going to be stuck in cycles of upsetting thinking, I knew my motivation levels were going to be hovering around zero, I knew I was going to try to take myself apart brick-by-brick to see if that felt any better.8

The trick for me is not taking February very seriously. The task is being ready when the crazy, dark thoughts start crawling out of the crevices and deep recesses of my alcoholic brain. I don’t need to engage those dark thoughts and mow them down like the malicious, hungry zombies they are; the trick is to let those jokers run right past me. The trick is to keep doing the simple things, even when I don’t really want to.

I don’t mean to take credit for herculean tasks like walking in Central Park on Sunday mornings, or going to the Farmers Market in the dead of winter or spending the weekend cooking and reading and letting the glorious awfulness of February just wash over me and then depart. But, the effort involved in doing those normally pleasurable things does amp up pretty significantly in February.

My thoughts in February can resemble what it might look like if you suddenly let a bunch of really angry monkeys out of a monkey insane asylum and then told them who was responsible for them being in the monkey insane asylum in the first place. Also, the person probably responsible for the terrible food in the monkey insane asylum.

I recognize that the feelings the monkeys are unleashing aren’t based in reality or logic or truth; they’re likely products of repressed fear and anger from things that happened a long time ago but are still working their way out. They don’t mean anything. They don’t have any real power.

Once the insane monkey posse has passed by, I take a deep breath and realize that I’ll soon be seeing daffodils and forsythia. I realize that all of the dark stuff is just remnants of what was and what, very fortunately, doesn’t have to be what “is” anymore.

It’s just February.

Did I mention I’m really glad it’s over?

Happy Friday.

You might recall from my last field report that I was undecided about keeping or selling my Ten-Tec Argonaut V transceiver. After some soul-searching, I’ve decided to keep it! The response from the QRPer community was incredible. With few exceptions, nearly everyone who reached out encouraged me to hang onto the Argo V—largely because it … Continue reading To Sell or Not to Sell? My Decision on the Argonaut V! →