I’m grateful for having the chance to pause and think about where I am with AA thanks to a speaking commitment I have today. I’m grateful to be on track with the ways I want to evolve my sobriety in the coming months. I’m grateful for my latest grocery haul and having the financial means to include items to treat myself. I’m grateful for hearing someone who I’ve known since the beginning of my journey share about where he’s at on the eve of his anniversary. I’m grateful for being reminded about how my alcoholic thinking long predates my first drink. I’m grateful for how my mind responds positively when I have a clear framework to riff off of. I’m grateful for being shown an old tweet from Viola Davis that got me a bit misty-eyed as it eloquently summarized my own life: “Queer people don’t grow up as ourselves. We grow up as a version of ourselves to sacrifice authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us and which parts were created to protect us.”

Where I live in Denver there is a high percentage of dog owners who don’t regularly pick up after their dogs. For a little while I would go on rants about how disrespectful this is, the bad image it gives us responsible dog owners, the unhygienic conditions, etc. There’s validity to all these emotions, but I didn’t find my ‘holier than thou’ approach or the outsized negativity that consumed me around the topic fulfilling.

Then one day I went to a meeting where I heard this guy randomly talk about the same issue. He decided that instead of complaining he would start cleaning up after people who were being irresponsible. Not collecting everything of course, but whenever he could. Over time this issue started bothering him less and he was able to simply go about his day less annoyed and more at peace

I kind of instinctually laughed at his suggestion because, you know….gross. But after I gave myself a few more beats to think about his actions I figured why not give what he said a shot. Over the course of several weeks where I began picking up after other dog owners when I could, I actually started to feel better, to feel lighter. Instead of getting annoyed by what I saw every time, I reframed it as an opportunity to be of service in a tiny way. I can’t expect to know the situation of other dog owners – maybe they ran out of bags, maybe they weren’t paying attention, maybe…something else. I won’t pretend to know what happened, but I can do something to make it right.

Thinking about why I am less frustrated by the 💩 situation, I realized it was because I analyzed my actions using the framework of AA’s 12 Steps. Let’s start with Step 4. When I noticed fellow dog owners being disrespectful, it triggered defects I had previously identified about myself.

Anger – for our lovely streets being trashed and neighbors being inconsiderate

Fear – for possibly stepping in it myself and wondering if others would think it was me whenever I walked by

Control – for not having the power to force other dog owners to simply do the bare minimum

Some other things were triggered, but you get the gist. As I’ve shared before whenever I’m able to identify the roots of what I’m feeling and why, the power of that emotion immediately gets mitigated. Beyond naming it though I need to perform other actions too. Self-knowledge isn’t enough as I’ve read in the Big Book.

That’s where Steps 6 and 7 come into play. I have to embrace acceptance around what my situation is and let go. I’m not necessarily praying to my Higher Power about these irresponsible dog owners, but I am consciously making a choice to not allow external negativities to linger in my mind. The old saying “I cannot control other people’s actions, only my reactions” rings very true here. Humans will always be human-ing, which entails good and bad things. It is certainly not my place to be the ultimate arbitrator. In the end I need to keep my side of the street clean (metaphorically and literally in this case) and let go of holding onto Anger, Fear, and Control.

After letting my defects pass, Step 10 enters the mix. Doing a personal inventory I reflect on what the “next right action” is to better the situation? In this case it’s the very small, simple act of picking up after another owner. An act of service always makes me feel good and deters me from thinking badly about some unknown person. The “next right action” mantra frees me to proceed with my day with less animus in my heart. My “amends” here is being the best neighbor I can be to my community by cleaning it up.

I wrap up with Step 12, especially the part of it that reads we must “practice these principles in all our affairs“. My whole focus thus far has been on dog 💩 and dealing with the ways it triggers me. However I find that correcting my attitude in this seemingly microscopic manner does have an impact on my overall behavior. As I make small adjustments here and there in a variety of similar scenarios then, lo and behold, I become a happier and calmer individual on a more holistic level. For me I can’t clean up my thinking in one fell swoop. I need to invest in a series of minute changes across all my actions to get incrementally better at being the best human being I can be. Picking up after my fellow dog owners is one way I go from being disgruntled to being positive. When extrapolating this move to everything else I tackle in life, with the assistance of 12 Step thinking, I get a fighting chance to stay sober and stay sane in a sustainable fashion. One day at a time, one poop bag at a time.

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I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the beautiful weather, for AA, for my sponsor, books, coffee, my family and my friends. I’m grateful for feeling comfortable, for a little extra rest, for opportunities and possibilities. I’m grateful for fresh starts and for old lessons, for fresh air and for quiet mornings.

Gooood morning my friends (: As per usual, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and you are feeling rejuvenated for the week ahead.

I personally am slowly but surely coming out of the low place I’ve been in – I haven’t had any additional melt downs over chicken, and I had a lovely conversation with my therapist on Friday, the goal being to work on emotional regulation & how I react to things vs what my intentions are – but this morning I woke up just feeling funky.

Mildly anxious, wishing the weekend was one extra day longer, a little confused about some conversations that happened over the weekend. I really need to talk to my sponsor (hey T), but my confusion consists of – have I been too wrapped up in self, OR have I been prioritizing self so I can come out of this low place? I’ve been proud of myself lately – getting to more meetings during the week, holding firm on certain boundaries.

Other boundaries are a work in progress but the reason I’ve been getting to more meetings throughout the week is because I’ve been firmer with those boundaries.

I feel like my friendships looks stronger, happier than they ever have before. I came out of a bad situation and landed with people who remind me every day that I am allowed to just be myself and there’s nothing wrong about that.  

I feel like a lot of good has been happening and yet I just feel a little lost. And looking back on previous seasons of feeling lost I can understand that more often than not, once I’ve found my way again there was a whole lot of growth that happened when I couldn’t see the way. What’s that saying don’t lose the forest for the trees or something like that? Does that even apply here?? (Call me confused).

I don’t know all I know is that I’m trying my best and that is simply, all that I can do. Just try. Funky days happen, the road isn’t linear, it’s a better day than it has been for a while despite the funk & the confusion always lifts. The lesson always reveals itself.

So, I’m just going to keep trying, the best that I can every day and because of that, because of this program that I do my best to live by, I know that this season will not last forever.

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Xx

Jane

I’m grateful for a super busy day. I’m grateful for the very delicious pasta experiment. I’m grateful for confidence and quiet and knowing the right thing Is out there. I’m grateful for watching the sun come up from the pirate balcony. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

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LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

I’m grateful for a Friday morning. I’m grateful for a super rainy night. I’m grateful for the coffee sitting next to me. I’m grateful for the chances and grateful for the way the world keeps spinning. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

No struggle this week. No warring factions in my head over whether “Alison” is too personal, or “Space Cowboy” is a little too long and maybe a little dated. One of the things I like about this song is that it has no secret meaning and no sappy emotional content, just a pretty perfect command going into a weekend:

Me personally, it being Friday, I’m definitely DTC.1 What does that look like? It looks suspiciously like a super-tired lawyer maybe eating Chinese food and watching YouTube videos about how civilizations end. But this song is not a meaningless paean to having a freaky Friday, it’s a harbinger of something to come, something that we hope can be restored to it’s former greatness, of what am I speaking?

It’s Breakfast with an Alcoholic, baby.

After much longing and consultation, we are making plans to re-launch the podcast. I’m lucky to have some very thoughtful and very cool sponsees, we’ve learned an awful lot together, and I sometimes like to jokingly ask, “are you sure you wanted to get this sober?” What are we going to do on said podcast? Will there be all of that nonsense talk about Planet of the Apes and the Alcoholic Lightning Round? Of course.

But mostly, we’re going to talk about how we got sober and how we stay sober. To that end, our plan is to march through the Steps and share how we worked them, what helped us grasp some of the central concepts in each Step and what happened when we did them.2 We’re still going to do interviews with rando alcoholics and addicts , but we’re also going to invite you, the hopefully listening audience, to participate with us.

But wait, you ask, what does the sotw have to do with the podcast, what is it a harbinger of? I guess it’s been a while since we produced an episode:

If you make your way to the 11-minute mark, that’s about where the Alcoholic Lightning Round begins, and this one contains one of my favorite questions:

“What is the best song by the band Wang Chung?

You now know the answer to this. (Please see above). We are excited to be re-launching the podcast, we’ll probably start releasing episodes right after Labor Day, so keep your ear to the ground on that. In case you wanted to start brushing up in preparation for the re-launch:

Why am I so excited? I loved doing the podcast, it does partially fulfill my long-held game show host ambitions, although it pays substantially less. Part of what I love about the podcast is the origin story—-which does involve what I believe to be a direct communication from my Higher Power. I was standing, semi-naked in the locker room at the gym I belong to one day in 2022 and suddenly a thought, almost a fully-formed sentence, just popped into my head:

Do the thing you don’t know how to do.

I talk to myself pretty regularly, and I think the level of self-banter is actually pretty entertaining and even witty. However, this is not how I speak to myself. First, I usually begin said communications by calling myself by my given name or the secret nickname, this communication did not start this way. Also, my self-communications are usually more profane and typically don’t just involve commands. This instruction did not feel organic; It wasn’t the kind of thing I think, it wasn’t said the way I would say it.

Do the thing you don’t know how to do.

Did this mean that I should hang out a shingle and give general surgery a try? No. I pondered the source of the mysterious communication, as well as it’s meaning. I had been talking with a friend about an idea that I had for a podcast, I had come up with the name while I was on the way to a diner to meet an alcoholic friend of mine. As I tried to understand the imperative that had been issued, one thought zoomed to prominence over all of the other crazy products of the hamster-wheel,

“I could start a podcast.”3

It was great fun and I learned a lot—you can plot the course of my learning as you listen to the horrific sound quality of the first episodes. Despite super skillful editing by a talented friend, well, when you’re trying to record someone talking with a shitty microphone in a super-noisy diner, the results are about what you’d expect.

Was starting the podcast an essential part of your sobriety? Do I need to start one to say sober?

When one surveys the media landscape, it would be hard to conclude that the world needed another alcoholic doing a podcast. And yet, I reached exactly that conclusion. No, seriously, doing the podcast was not a critical element of my sobriety, but the changed thinking that led me to do it was.

During my illustrious drinking career, I had very definite ideas about the way the world was supposed to work, the way other people were supposed to conduct themselves and how they should think about and treat me. I was often disappointed by the way things actually worked out and the cute little carafes of Sauvignon Blanc were how I reconciled things in my head. I also had very definite ideas about my own life and what was supposed to happen, mostly involving ascending the mountain-top that was my career.

That’s not exactly how things turned out. One of the things I dealt with in early sobriety was the feeling that my life had already pretty much ended, I was just waiting for all of the mistakes and missteps and failures to catch up with me and deliver one more resounding blow—like falling in an elevator. The command I received in the locker room that morning was really a command to begin living my life again. Doing the things I didn’t know how to do was the doorway to my sober life.

My active drinking career highlighted a lot of things I didn’t know how to do:

Be honest with myself.

Understand my own motivations and needs.

See my proper place in the world.

Appreciate my own quirks.

Believe that I’m enough for the world, as-is.

One of the astonishing, liberating things I learned in sobriety, perhaps the key to my joy and happiness, is this:

You get to write your own story.

That’s what we all do, everyday, we write the book of ourselves. I’m sorry, I stole that idea from this song:4

Not to be trite, but I think that’s the real work of recovery: Rewriting the narrative of our lives. The journey back to ourselves does make for some epic adventure writing, but the more important part of this project is re-writing the main characters—starting with the alcoholic at the center of it all.

The Big Book says that willingness is one of the essential personality traits in recovery—and that is very, very true. You have to be willing to re-examine your life, test the assumptions that had been in place (likely wrong or outdated) and do things differently. That’s not easy; actually, it’s quite challenging and can be frustrating and even a little lonely. But the results are magnificent.

I guess I had enough faith to believe that foreign voice in my head, that morning in the Equinox locker room. It never occurred to me that it could be a set-up, like Lucy holding the football and urging Charley Brown to run up and kick it. It wasn’t. The little risks I took, the small steps of putting myself out into the world in different ways, begin to pay dividends almost immediately. See, it wasn’t what I did that mattered so much. As much as I liked to believe that the podcast could alter the course of human civilization, judging by the metrics, that hasn’t happened yet. Of course, that’s not the important part.

The important part is the willingness required to “Do the thing you don’t know how to do.” I was really being instructed to be open and willing and that has resulted in a waterfall of dividends. Not the kind that can be converted into additional equity or can create tax liabilities, a waterfall of peace and calm and happiness and joy. Doing the thing I don’t know how to do has generated serenity.

I don’t know how anything actually works around here. But here’s a small thing I’ve learned, if your glass is full of the wrong stuff, you can’t fill it up with the right stuff. The universe seems kind of strict about this. Doing the things I don’t know how to do forced me to question and then abandon a lot of my preconceptions. It forced me to consider who I really was. It showed me the things that mattered to me. It forced me to pour out the glass and wait patiently for the Universe to refill it.

Don’t worry, it does.

I like to think I’m lucky, that I’ve had the great, good fortune to encounter all of these lovely people who have moved me from point to point to point in my life, giving me the lessons that are necessary. I’m wrong. This is just the way the Universe works, when I’m humble enough to let it do its thing. None of it has been easy, pouring out that glass was pouring a version of myself onto the pavement and watching it disappear. The hardest part comes after emptying that glass out, waiting for the refill is completely excruciating.

During the drinking days, I would get very, very annoyed when my glass sat empty for too long (more than about 90 seconds). I will tell you something I’ve learned in my 4.75 years of sobriety, when I turn over the bartending to the Universe, that glass is always full.

Do the thing you don’t know how to do.

Happy Friday. I hope everybody Wang Chungs tonight.

I’m grateful for listening to a Denver old-timer qualify and stick to the basics of what we need to do to stay sober. I’m grateful for the messaging around service being regularly put in my head so I know to keep building that muscle and not let up. I’m grateful for switching up my run route to maintain my energy levels over a long distance. I’m grateful for witnessing some stunning storm cloud formations during our evening walk. I’m grateful for quiet days where I just get to live my life with peace and contentment.

Last week an old-timer with a whopping 56 years sober was sharing his perspectives on success versus fulfillment and how his relationship with each has changed over time in the Program. From the way he described it, I interpreted success as being more outward-focused, superficial, and transient while fulfillment was more personal, rewarding, and long-term. I liked how he juxtaposed these two concepts and it triggered me to do some internal searching to understand my own evolution with this in AA.

In my 20s coveting success was paramount and it was very much defined by society’s expectations. I was hungry for approval from the world because my sense of self was ill-defined. If I looked good by the outside metrics then I figured fulfillment would follow suit. This meant I stayed in a relationship for longer than I should have partially because the image of it was applauded by our friends. I found jobs at the shiny, name-brand companies because it would elicit envy rather than move my career in personally meaningful ways. Most choices I made were to achieve a level of financial or social success absent of any honest introspection. I figured if others are happy with me then I’ll be happy with me. The problem was I could never ensure others would always be happy with me because that is not how human relationships work. As a result I was constantly playing this dance with people where I made short-term moves to regain their affections, while compromising who I am in the process. External validation was an ever elusive constant. Ultimately I became such a shell of myself that alcohol was the only salve that let me deal with a litany of bad decisions. When I think about the 56-year sober guy’s framing of success I realize my insatiable appetite for it made me a hollow, sick, and insane person.

Fulfillment finally became a real goal for me when I joined AA. I heard inspiring stories at meetings from fellows about how they overcame real struggles to figure out what they wanted and who they are – inside. Learning how to adopt an inward-focused lens – keeping my side of the street clean as they say in the rooms – became a game changer. I borrowed courage from the stories I heard and translated wisdom found in the 12 Steps to look into my soul and decipher what is actually going on here. I began asking myself honest, impactful questions in order to gain revealing, transformative answers.

Through this soul searching in AA my life has become much, much simpler. Less successful on paper perhaps, but more fulfilling spiritually than ever before. Although my career for now has taken a backseat, I am genuinely at peace. I’m seeking that work-life balance more than that corner office. I’m giving myself the opportunity to gain hobbies and interests that aren’t subsumed by my workaholic tendencies. I’m also in a loving partnership that actually supports my life in stable, happy ways and am not staying in it for superficial or harmful reasons. While I don’t live in the largest home or in the best neighborhood, I do have a cozy little place that we have truly made our own in wonderful ways. I exercise in a manner that is personally enjoyable and enriching for my specific body type and not in a manner designed to be Instagram-worthy. It may be obvious to say, but fulfillment truly is found in the small things that cumulatively make a big impact: seeing the houseplants grow new leaves, daily walks in Cheesman Park, noticing epic cloud formations over the mountains, listening to the same rotation of entertaining podcasts, going on new hikes, and so much more.

In sobriety I’m actively discovering what gives me fulfillment in a meaningful, sustainable manner. When I think about it, I do believe that to be success too. I started this off by saying these two terms are in possible conflict, but they don’t have to be. The times I feel mostfulfilled are also the times I am most successful. Making decisions in life where I strive for the former will inevitably allow the latter to fall in line. I believe finding unity in these two ideas will be my goal moving forward. While I might not look as bright on paper as I did in my 20s and early 30s from a career or social perspective, internally I am better than ever before. I am finally comfortable in my own skin and that is both fulfillment and success for me in AA.

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I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for slow mornings and extra rest. I’m grateful for coffee, honest conversations, moments of openness, hope and for my service commitments. I’m grateful for a fresh week, for fresh air, for hope and for HP.

Gooood morning my friends (: Another Monday…hope everyone had a lovely weekend full of rest and relaxation!

So yesterday I had a series of meltdowns over…. chicken. And it’s not really about the chicken of course.

You guys know I haven’t really been feeling great for the past few months and on Friday my sponsor and I talked about changing my perspective. On Sunday my chicken meltdown really drove home why I need to change my perspective.

I’ve been so tunnel vision lately – so in fear that I’ve been throwing everything I have into making sure my fears don’t come true and definitely not turning over anything to HP (my sponsor and I also talked about how I can’t be financially agnostic or agnostic when it comes to my job meaning I can’t turn over everything else except for these things, but that’s a different post for a different day).

I can’t remember if I said it last week, but this is NOT the hardest thing I’ve had to get through. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was stop drinking and get sober. Was put down all my shit in three inventories and read it all to my sponsor. That was hard. That saved my life. But at the time I didn’t have anything to lose. I just wanted to live.

Now I have so much to lose and I’m afraid and now is the time to lean in most to what I know will make me feel better and that’s my program. Not obsessively lean in as we all know I can do, just not completely forgetting that I have all these tools until I’m sitting in an AA meeting for one hour a day.

So, my perspective change for the day is yeah okay I’m not feeling great. But there are so many things that DO make me feel great – my friends, my partner, my family, the feral kitties that hop around the neighbor’s yard that make me smile. Talking to my sponsor and helping someone else but also just sitting and reading, being in the sun, watching a funny show, discovering more about myself, talking a walk, finding a penny on the ground that felt like a wink from our very own T.B.D (yesterday), etc. etc. etc.

This is a phase and I’ve been in it for a while but that still does not mean that it won’t pass. That it won’t all make sense down the road. I just need to keep getting through it.

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Xx

Jane

I’m grateful for an adventure. I’m grateful for what is. I’m grateful for all the lessons. I’m grateful for all of the coffee. I’m grateful for cloudy mornings. I’m grateful to be sober today.

LAST WEEK ON TFLMS:

song of the week:

TFLMS Weekend: Where Sobriety Isn’t Just a Consequence…

(last weekend)

I’m grateful for a gorgeous sunrise. I’m grateful for seeing how things change. I’m grateful for patience and for being myself. I’m grateful for cutting myself a break. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Mystery ?? Button

song of the week:

There’s not really an explanation for today’s choice. Mac Miller was one of us, died of a Fentanyl overdose not so long ago. When I listen to this song, I’m back on the sidewalks of the Nation’s Capital. Back then, I haunted the Logan Circle neighborhood and had a string of places I would where I would drink, bars that met my fairly exacting specifications: Cool looking, dark, busy, prompt service, easy to view televisions, comfortable bar seats,. decent to very good food, prompt service, appropriately chatty bar personnel, prompt service and carried a decent Sauvignon Blanc. And prompt service.

TBD, during the active drinking days, did not like to be “left on read,” when that glass was empty. There was a bartender training protocol; When I started drinking at a new place or a new bartender arrived at one of the old places, I needed to make sure they had a sense for the proper intervals for refilling that glass. When the glass was dry too long, I would often catch the new bartender’s eye, then look dramatically at my empty glass and then watch it be refilled wordlessly. This was surprisingly effective.1

In those days, big swathes of my days were spent sitting at bars, watching soundless TVs and listening to music. This song is a very DC song for me, it played a lot on my regret-fueled walks around the neighborhood and was the soundtrack for failed relationships. Like Anderson Paak in the opening scene, I was constantly mystified by that door shutting in my face.

One of the primary symptoms of alcoholism/addiction is that the alcoholic/addict begins using the substance to mediate their experience with the world around them. As Dr. Dorothy Fox put it in 1955:

The primary addict, from his first introduction to beverage alcohol, uses it as an aid to adjust to his environment.

Alcoholism: It’s Scope, Cause and Treatment (1955), p. 142

Hence, the importance of prompt service. In the bad old days, when I hit my peak (nadir), I would go into withdrawal after about 4-6 hours. My hands would shake, my thoughts would race, my stomach would turn flips and I didn’t know how or why I kept going. Until I had that third glass of wine, then things seemed to make sense, or at least become somewhat tolerable.

This gets pretty close to the end stages of drinking. The stories about people keeping vodka by the bedside and setting an alarm at 4am, to wake up and have a drink to prevent the onset of withdrawal symptoms, those are pretty tough stories. It might seem like someone who drank like that, knowing how much and when, pretty precisely, is just a really organized alcoholic. No, they’re actually pretty far gone and not everyone finds the way back.

In a stunning development, given present course and speed, I’ll celebrate five years of sobriety this Fall. Not that the cat is in the bag, by any stretch, but the old, active alcoholic me just gets a little smaller everyday in that rearview mirror. Of course, what made this possible, what makes this possible each day, is a Program that encourages me to see myself as part of a whole, that sets the objective as progress, not perfection and is built around the idea of integrity, self-honesty and acceptance.

Seeing myself as part of a whole, acknowledging the existence of a higher power, understanding that not everything is meant for me have been the keys to my recovery. I’ve built my life around these ideas and part of this worldview is believing that the Universe finds ways to communicate with me, to nudge me in the right direction, to help me realize how things really are or what they really mean. Of course, two weeks ago, there was this enigmatic example:

A few days ago, I was tending to my Pirate Balcony garden and made a miraculous discovery. I’m a bit forgetful, so it’s not unusual for me to plant seeds then completely forget what I planted or where. This is usually sorted out early in the plant’s life with few ill effects. A few weeks ago, in the Basil section of the garden some new plants emerged. The leaves didn’t look very Basil-y and I even harvested some of the leaves and cooked with them, the results were inconclusive.

Then, a few days ago, when taking a closer look, I saw this:

Miniature rogue strawberries. Of course there is a backstory. A few years I ago I had a fantastic meal at one of the very finest Italian restaurants of the Upper East Side. Old School Swanky. The dessert was these tiny Italian strawberries, very fresh and very tiny, in a delicious meringue. It was unbelievably delicious. At some point, I found a miniature strawberry plant and planted it in the garden. Last summer it blossomed and I had a harvest of 50-60 delicious, delicate strawberries.

I carefully transplanted it into a new pot that could be moved indoors last Fall. I tended that plant very carefully, it tried hard, too, but I guess we weren’t meant to be together like that. The wild strawberry plant didn’t survive the winter and sadly went into the compost bin to eventually fuel other plants.

I hadn’t thought about the strawberry plant too much, and then I saw those strawberries. They were not planted by me, they came from now-departed plant, left behind to ensure some kind of continued presence or connection. I laughed my machine gun laugh out loud when I spied them. Not because of the impending bounty of tiny, wild strawberries; it looks like I might harvest up to 8 or 9 in the near future. But because the re-appearance of the rogue strawberry plant kind of encapsulates my view of life these days.

Things don’t end. We continually have the chance to learn the things we need, the universe shuttles people in and out, events transpire and we end up being changed—which is exactly the point. I think the AA view that it’s about “progress not perfection,” is consistent with how the Universe works. Things are not static, they change, we change and everything takes a few more spins before it begins all over again.

My drinking grew from fearing what the Universe had in store for me; Sobriety has been accepting what the Universe has in store for me. Spoiler alert: While things are still unfolding, I’m finding life is exceptionally beautiful and groovy. Even in the hard moments. Especially in the hard moments.

Here’s another thing I think: When you learn from the people who pass through life, when you let yourself be changed (not in the bad way) by them, when you see that the point is often moving from Point A to Point B, rather than forever, well, those are actually the turn-by-turn directions for serenity and acceptance.

It’s Friday morning and while I have a pretty full schedule, in a broader sense, I don’t really know what’s in store for me. I don’t know what comes next. These days, this produces serenity, not anxiety. I’ve come to trust the world around me, I have built faith that if I accept what happens, it will be what needed to happen. The Universe is a very sneaky, subtle MFer sometimes, but I find that I always have what I need. Not what I want, but what I need.

I guess that includes tiny, rogue strawberries. We’ll see what they’re here for.

Happy Friday.

I’m grateful for clearly seeing the mountains again during my run after last week’s forest fire cloudiness. I’m grateful for the podcasts that keep me entertained throughout the day. I’m grateful when I get genuinely excited about things and the thought of having a drink because it’ll “add to the fun” doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I’m grateful for anniversary meetings being such an inspirational display of how this Program works miracles. I’m grateful our move to Denver has reinvigorated my desire to go on adventures more regularly. I’m grateful for how expressions of my curiosity has expanded in sobriety. I’m grateful for people who share honestly about feeling like they’re lagging in their Program because it reminds me to stay on the beam as life ebbs and flows.

Nature is inexplicably overwhelming in the most positive ways. The beauty, the power, the majesty, the scale….too many superlatives exist for me to adequately describe how it hits. When nature does get my attention I feel more connected with my surroundings, more in communication with my Higher Power than at any other point.

Last Saturday was one such point where I felt nature’s magnificence. Leaving home for my daily run I noticed ominous clouds from the southwest moving quickly across the mountains while the sun blared strongly from the northwest. It was beautiful to see such an aerial dichotomy as I made my loops around Cheesman Park. Soon enough it started gently raining while the sun was still out, a very unusual situation that I later found out is a weather phenomenon called sunshowers.

I don’t know exactly why, but I became filled with glee. Beyond the beauty of observing the raindrops flickering like little stars in the sunshine, it was also a welcome respite from the oppressive heatwave we’ve been having here in Denver. Sure I had to watch my footing since the ground became a bit mushy, but nothing I couldn’t handle by staying alert. It was honestly just cool to see these two contrasting weather patterns blending together so harmoniously. As the sunshowers continued for longer than expected I began reflecting on metaphorical meanings for what was happening. It may seem “cheesy”, but I thought that this quasi-storm kind of represents how I feel in AA.

Life at any given moment is rarely binary. Inside me there is concurrently a storm and a bright, shiny day unfolding. As I write this post I have some scary, existential stuff looming over me. I also have some awesome, happy stuff giving me hope. Being in AA thankfully allows me to live sanely within the complexity of my existence. I can embrace my reality for what it is and not flee with the assistance of alcohol. As uncomfortable things emerge I leverage AA’s suggestions to find those silver linings. Sure the rain roughs up my sneakers and creates slippery trails, but it also cools me down, boosts my energy levels, and nourishes the plants around me. Successfully getting through tough circumstances can be reframed as me collecting evidence of my Higher Power working, thus reinforcing my need to stay sober. Since no state is ever permanent the sunshine will inevitably return. Truthfully speaking, it was probably always there. The sunshine in this scenario being the Steps, my fellows, and my service commitments. They will always exist to lift me up if I seek them out.

I may be waxing poetic here but for me witnessing this unique event became a lovely little analogy for my life in AA. When the actual sunshower eventually passed, I wrapped up my run a little wet and a little muddy, but feeling lighter and grateful for the spiritual experience.

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Goooood morning my friends (: As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and you all are feeling ready for the fresh week ahead!

I’m having some writers block the morning and would prefer not to bring you all through the same story it’s been for the past few weeks. I started therapy again, first session was great, there’s been a lot of changes lately just in life in general and I need some more time to settle in. I don’t want to drink by any means, but I still can’t shake this exhaustion.

SO, I think it would be best to bring us back to our roots here, something I haven’t done in a while. A gratitude list – my list of 30 things that I am grateful for today.

I hope you enjoy!

1.    I am so grateful to be sober.

2.    I’m grateful for time with family over the weekend.

3.    I’m grateful for the friends I have who are so patient, tolerant, kind and understanding.

4.    I’m grateful for our new home and all of the new space we have.

5.    I’m grateful for the really good memories.

6.    I’m grateful for the old film photos I found that I took and developed back in college that I hung up around the house.

7.    I’m so grateful for remembering how much I love to take photos.

8.    I’m grateful for AA and the lessons it’s taught me.

9.    I’m grateful for my sponsor.

10. I’m grateful for the opportunity to change.

11. I’m grateful that I was able to take my peepas ashes back home with me this weekend.

12. I’m grateful for adapting and evolving.

13. I’m grateful for coffee.

14. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to keep the doors in lately to let a little fresh air in.

15. I’m grateful for boundaries – for respecting myself and for knowing that I certainly cannot expect other people to change – but I can find a place of neutrality and still have a boundary.

16. I’m grateful for how far I’ve come.

17. I’m grateful that I’ve stopped being a doormat (in most cases).

18. I’m grateful to know that seasons pass.

19. I’m grateful for moments of calm inside myself (which can certainly be few and far between sometimes).

20. I’m grateful for a long slow recovery.

21. I’m grateful for the anniversary meeting last night and for doing service.

22. I’m grateful for in unit washer and dryer (it’s the little things).

23. I’m grateful for my health.

24. I’m grateful for books.

25. I’m grateful for comfy sweatshirts and a new anklet from my mom.

26. I’m grateful for the beach.

27. I’m grateful for the city.

28. I’m grateful for honesty and compromise.

29. I’m grateful for being able to write here.

30. I’m grateful for my life and all of the ups and downs and all of the things that make me, me.

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Xx,

Jane